Teach Me How To Dance

by Kelpies

Published August 4, 2014

E - Everyone

In Contests

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I met him one day,

I looked at him,

He looked at me.

And I knew right then,

that he was the one.  

***

She walked in,

her gait like a swan.

She met my gaze,

I took her slightly warm hand.

***

He took my hand, 

and lead me to the posters.

The dance took up the wall,

And I asked him if he would teach me how to dance.

***

She asked me to teach her, 

I didn't know myself,

I said that I would teach her,

Thinking that I would have to learn.

 ***

He said that he would teach me,

I almost danced from joy.

I wanted to come away from the pond,

from the death and decay beneath it's surface.

and I could feel animals rotting muscle

beneath my ungainly feet.

***

Dancing with my mother,

though embarrassing 

was the only way I could learn.

I wanted to sweep her across the dance floor,

And put the sparkle back in her eyes,

instead of the bones and blood I saw there.

***

I waited for him on my porch,

The night had finally arrived.

I was going to learn to be the swan,

Taking flight across the floor,

instead of the pond,

where sorrows dwell.

***

I took her hand,

and lead her away.

wilderness dance it said,

by the pond it said.

But when my little swan arrived there with me,

her eyes took on a haunted expression,

and she begged me to leave.

***

I begged him to leave,

he didn't know what waited for him.

For it was my destiny never to know love.

And the creature in the pond,

would take him away.

But he would pay no heed.

He wanted to teach me to dance.

***

I wanted to teach her to dance,

So I took her to the boardwalk,

and swept her across the floor.

But the minute our hands met,

The water parted,

to reveal the most beautiful creature 

I had ever seen besides my beloved.

I walked toward it, entranced by the way it's mane moved,

by the way it pawed the ground.

***

He walked toward it, 

I begged for help,

But no one saw the harm,

In walking toward a perfectly white horse.

But they didn't know,

It wanted me for it's own.

It wanted it's own pretty flower.

It wanted him gone.

***

She pulled my sleeve,

But I couldn't hear her.

The horse drawing me in.

I stroked it's light blue mane,

and then without warning,

It bit my shoulder,

Tearing a giant chunk of flesh.

I tried to pull away,

but my hand stuck to it's mane.

***

His hand was stuck to it's mane,

I yelled at the kelpie

"Take me instead!" I said.

So it let him go,

and took me back.

He turned me into what he wanted me.

Another of his kind.

But the sparkle he had created,

was gone from my eyes.

*** 

She was gone,

It took her instead.

I went in after her,

But the villagers stopped me,

saying it would take both of us.

They overwhelmed me,

my torn shoulder was taken care of,

but my torn soul could never be mended.

Comments & reviews · 3
thePoeToaster43 wrote a review Review · Aug 31, 2014

I'm going to be completely and horribly honest.
When I first started reading, I did not like it whatsoever.
Then I read more... And more, and thought "okay."
AND THEN YOU FREAKING KILLED HER OFF.
I guess all in all it was great. I usually couldn't care less for characters that die... But I feel as if you are A NO GOOD, FILTHY, ROTTEN, MURDERER! (Which in my terms, translates to- A pretty good writer.)
Truly a splendid piece. And in the end, I really did enjoy reading it.

Good Luck To You.

User avatar
Romania
Review
Romania wrote a review Review · Aug 6, 2014

I dont know if its strange but i read the girls part first and then the boys. At first I was confused obviously for olny getting half of eath story but the two halves tie nicly together. Now i believe i read it correctly being that the girl is the boys mother and he wanted to teach her to dance before death took her away? If not so it still makes sense on how ones soul can be torn from the loss of a loved one. The creature from the pind confused me too. was it swan or a horse? a horse with wings? I know one is suppose to represnt death.

Kelpies replied · Aug 6, 2014

It was a Kelpie. And the boy's mother is not the same as the girl that he will teach how to dance. A kelpie is a mythical horse with a skin that if it deems fit becomes adhesive. It lures people into the water in order to drown them and eat them. Thanks for the review!

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Aug 4, 2014

Hey Kelpies! So I'm not really a poet but this pulled me in and I thought I'd drop you a line or two by way of a review!

What I really loved about this poem was the way it told a story. I think more poems should do that - they're my favourite kind! I also liked the whole premise about teaching her how to dance but on that note, I think it's a bit silly that she would ask him to teach her, at a dance, next to a pond, where there's something trying to kill her. I mean, what an illogical plan!

But love is blind... I guess?

One small grammar issue I noticed a few times - the difference between it's and its. And this is super-easy to remember once you have a memory aid! Mine is this:

He is, she is, it is

become

he's, she's, it's

but

Belonging to him, belonging to her, belonging to it

become

his, hers, its

Whenever you're not sure, put "he" or "she" in the place of "it". If there's an apostrophe when it's a he or she, then it's an apostrophe for it's also! But if it's a word without an apostrophe, then it's its. Do you get it?

I think the main thing I would tell you to work on to make this poem better is rhythm. I didn't feel like there was a ton of rhythm here, some of the lines felt out of place. For instance:

She walked in,

her gait like that of a swan.


Perhaps this one is more the awkward phrasing than the rhythm, but the second line sticks out like a sore thumb. It's ungainly, not swan-like at all as a line, and it disrupts the flow of the poem. The poem is scattered with lines like these and I'm not going to pull them all out. But what I'd suggest is read the whole thing over. Try and work yourself into a sort of trance with the poem, picture yourself there, get a whole feel for everything you're trying to convey. And every time a line stops you from doing that, every time you are pulled out of the mood because something is too long or too prosaic- bam! That's a line you gotta change!

But overall I loved the story of this poem, I think a little bit of work on the presentation could make it great!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x



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