z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Burning

by gallifreygal11


The Men came to take me away three nights after the incident. I knew about them though. It was common knowledge that Margaret Bell was a witch and was getting burned. My mother had completely disowned me and I was living on the streets. But I knew they were catching up to me. So I wasn’t surprised when they woke me up as I was sleeping under a rag with the few possessions I had left. I didn’t struggle as they grabbed my arms and hauled me off to wherever the witches go before death.

It had been decided that I was a witch the day on the boat. My older brother had gone to go out fishing in the bay and had let me tag along. I hopped in the boat along with him and three of his friends. They were all about twenty years of age. I had worn a big navy blue dress that puffed up around me as I sat in the boat. It was hot and itchy as it smothered me alive. My only wish right then and there was to be rid of that dress. The boat was small and called “The Siren’s Song” We had started to get going when my brother’s friends found some beer they’d hidden in the boat and started drinking. They hid beer in the boat so when there was nothing to do, they could well get drunk. My father taught them this trick. When his lips weren't covered in beer they were spitting harsh comments to my mother and I. One of the boys started singing and brought me out of my daydreams. The rest of them joined along. They danced and sang. They spoke of Marisa, the clergyman's daughter. Of how her breasts shook when she laughed and how her lips were as red as roses. Once a boy tried to compare me to Marisa. He then laughed and fell on the floor of the deck. After that I asked my brother if we could turn back. The now unfamiliar man laughed and said stuff I couldn't understand. They all continued to chortle, yell, and dance around.

I was just sitting on a bench at the edge of the boat looking at the water below, trying to ignore the fools behind me. When suddenly a pair of hands pushed my back. I looked back and in an instant. I was falling from the boat and into the waves below. I could see I man above me. His face was laughing and his eyes were the color of the water below me. Pale colored hair curled around his face as it blew in the wind. His face was in a malicious grin as he screamed two words. "goodbye Marisa!" About the age of twenty. A man who I knew, a man that had promised nothing bad was going to happen on the trip, my brother. The waves crashed around me as I hit the surface and froze my skin. My petticoats and undergarments tugged me down and grew heavier. My skirt billowed and floated around me. The damn skirt. I tried to struggle but it was too cold. So I just closed my eyes, hugged myself, and waited for it to be over. I felt the sinking in my body. The cold taken my feet and I couldn’t feel them anymore, then my ankles. Soon my entire legs surrendered and were gone. I just clenched my eyes tighter and waited for it to be over. I could hear people screaming and yelling as if they were angry and scared. But there were more people now. Not just my brother’s friends. There were lots of men and a woman crying. That’s all I remembered. Then the lights faded, my mind gave way to the cruel fate of death and everything disappeared .

Later I had been told that somehow I had survived I had floated to the surface and bobbed there until I was rescued by a small boat. But I had been convicted of the crime of witchcraft. My mother was ashamed and my brother refused to speak to me. Apparently "Marisa" was not supposed to come back. Our father had left us years before but I was sure if he had stayed he would have beaten me.

The men pushed me into a tiny cell and spat upon my face as they locked the door. I huddled in a corner and wound my blanket tightly around my cold bones. I hadn’t eaten in days so I felt shaky all over. It was dark in the cell for the moon wasn’t out. I felt around the cell for something, anything that would help. My hands felt a small box. I picked it up and tried to open it. It had two matches left in it, they were a bit soggy, but still good. I tried to light one to warm myself up by it just snapped. So I grabbed the other one and prayed it would light. The flame birthed for a few seconds and I was warm in it’s dancing light, but the happiness soon ended when a big gust of wind came in through the window and blew it out. I huddled up in the corner as my tears froze to my face and cried myself to sleep. For I knew in the morning I would die.

I slept for about two hours before another pair of hands shook me awake. I was greeted with a gruff voice from a big hairy man. He had a big burly beard and cold gray eyes that showed no emotion whatsoever. His hair was dark and covered with an old cap. His skin was pale and scared. The big hands grabbed my thin arms and shook me. I got up and left my blanket in the cell. I would not be needing it where I was going. The man led me out of the shack where my cell was and into a courtyard. The place was filled with people. Mostly men but a couple women in there too. One woman especially stood out to me, my mother. Her eyes met mine, but instead of looking saddened or disappointed, her green eyes were dark and cold. She had no sympathy for me at all. I was guided through the crowd past my mother to the center. Instead of looking down I looked them all in the eye. Each and every one. I wanted to yell at them to scream, but I kept my cool. Their eyes met mine and they instantly looked down. Familiar faces started to show. Old friends, enemies, my brother. None of them had a shred of sympathy anywhere on their heads. As we got to the center of the crowd there was a clearing. And in the clearing a big pile of wood planks, sticks, old wagon wheels, and anything else flammable. and atop this mountain of kindling there stood a stake. I knew what it was for. It was for me. For my death.

The man pulled me up atop the mountain and took out and old thick rope. He tied my arms and legs to the stake and stepped back, admiring his work. I tried to struggle but the bondings were tight, no hope of escape. I looked around me for something, anything that would help me escape. The sun had not yet risen and it was mostly dark, except for the torch traveling through the crowd in the hands of a tall man with pale, curly hair and eyes the color of the water. He approached me, tied to the stake. I kept his gaze.

“Please...”

“You Must Be Finished”

“I’m your sister...”

“I Have No Sister. You Are A Witch!”

His words struck me. My eyes plead. “Don’t Do This!” But he breaks my stare and looked down at the wood below me. He dropped the torch and it was like time stopped. I watched the torch as it hit the pile and grew. It grew until blocked him. The fire races around me and covers my view of the people who came to watch. The faces melt into the flames. My brother stands there and watches. Not moving. Soon everything is a big orange blur. I am getting warm and I smile. I look up at the sky now filled with stars. I laugh. I scream.

“TAKE ME!”

“I AM WAITING!”

“JUST DO IT!”

My mouth opens up to another glorious scream of triumph. My life is ending and I feel exhilarated. My feet are burning but I don’t care soon my bonds burn away but I do not run I dance in the fire. Soon my legs give way and I am burning to a crisp. The stars are beautiful.

“BEAUTIFUL!”

“I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL! LIKE THE STARS! I WILL BE ABOVE YOU ALL!”

I will watch them all from my peak in the sky and I will pity their sad, ugly little lives. On my knees burning I close my eyes and let the warmth cover me as I sink down, down into death. And away from the horrid cruel human life and into something more, much, much more.


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Fri Sep 26, 2014 10:23 pm
Ljungtroll says...



Very touching and eerie. I admired the way you made her sound crazy at the end.




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Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:31 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hello!

I'm going to jump straight in with what I liked about this story. Well, it was pretty dark, and you managed to create a fairly morbid and dark atmosphere which is fitting to your storyline. Also in such a small space, you actually told a story really well, slightly rushed, however I knew exactly what happened and I could feel some sympathy towards your MC.

As for suggestions, firstly I'm going to talk about your sentence structure. When reading it, I noticed that all of your sentences are really similar in the sense that many start with 'I' and they are all rather short. You should try and mix up the lengths of your sentences so that it's more interesting to read, shorter sentences for tense parts, and longer sentences for description.

Which brings me onto my next point, I really didn't feel like there was much description, and this kind of links to the way your sentences were. I feel like this whole piece was very tell, and not show. It was like 'and then this happened. and then this happened.' It all sounded really similar, you did describe some characters, but there just wasn't enough description. Remember, your readers know nothing, and in a sort of historical/fantasy type story with witchcraft, you need to make sure you're describing everything properly. Think about what people are wearing, what the atmosphere is like. I always find is useful to think about the five senses when describing things, not just what the place looked like, but smells, sounds, tastes even! Perhaps if you want to build up a dark atmosphere even further, you could use some darker imagery.

Another thing which wasn't really described is the character's personality, now because this is a short story you can't really go on and on with these things. But what I found kind of confusing is the fact that she was out with her brothers, after they invited her to come out, and then they completely betrayed her. Seeing as I barely know anything about these characters, I found it quite odd, to be honest. So I think you need to add more dimension to these characters.

My last point is, well seeing as this was in the first person, I was expecting to hear more thoughts from the MC. I mean, she's just been accused of witchcraft, betrayed by her brothers, but from what I can read she doesn't seem very upset about it. I'm not saying she isn't, but it isn't really shown. Try and get an interior monologue going about her thoughts a bit more, and if you find it difficult, think about how you'd feel in her position.

Overall, I thought this was really interesting. The storyline is cool, and the ending is extremely dark, but in a good way! There are just a few things I felt were missing from this story like descriptions of setting, and the characters. Also, remember to vary your sentence lengths! I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x




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Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:11 am
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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey! IamTraunt here to review this short story for you!

Can I just say... I love your avatar! Yay Doctor Who!

Nitpicking Time!

The boat was small and called “The Siren’s Song” We had started to get going when my brother’s friends found some beer they’d hidden in the boat and started drinking.

Firstly, you need to put 'was' in your sentence and secondly you need a full stop in there, like so:
The boat was small and called was “The Siren’s Song”. We had started to get going when my brother’s friends found some beer they’d hidden in the boat and started drinking.


Then the lights faded, my mind gave way to the cruel fate of death and everything disappeared .

You don't need a space in between your word and your full stop.

I would not be needing it where I was going.

Should be:
I would not need it where I was going.


. and atop this mountain of kindling there stood a stake. I knew what it was for. It was for me. For my death.

This needs to be a capital 'A'.

“You Must Be Finished”

Firstly, you need a full stop. Can I just ask: Are the capitalization of words mean something?

It grew until blocked him.

It should say: 'It grew until it blocked him'.

When dialogue is used you need to slit your paragraphs, here:
His words struck me. My eyes plead. “Don’t Do This!”[SPLIT HERE]But he breaks my stare and looked down at the wood below me. He dropped the torch and it was like time stopped. I watched the torch as it hit the pile and grew. It grew until blocked him. The fire races around me and covers my view of the people around me. The faces melt into the flames. My brother stands there and watches. Not moving. Soon everything is a big orange blur. I am getting warm and I smile. I look up at the sky now filled with stars. I laugh. I scream.

I tried to struggle but the bondings were tight, no hope of escape.

Bonding isn't the right word. I think you mean 'binding' which means:
1. To tie or secure, as with a rope or cord.
2. To fasten or wrap by encircling, as with a belt or ribbon.
3. To bandage.

Storyline!

Wow. That was really creepy towards the end. It was as if the fire had begun to run inside her blood, as if it had turned her crazy. I mean, if I were dying in such a way, I would be crying my eyes out, not screaming and laughing. That was just... br. Really, really scary. Yet, I do feel sorry for her. It wasn't her fault, she hadn't done anything wrong - in fact it was her brother that had done wrong. He tried to drown her! That is what I think you should go into more depth about, because I was asking myself: Her brother tried to drown her and yet she doesn't hold a grudge against him? that doesn't seem very realistic. Put it there somewhere just to make it seem that more life like and accurate.
I like how you linked in the fishing trip with the drowning. In those days, when they tried to kill a witch, they would take them to a pond or a well and do a test. This test was highly unfair and either way, you died. If you floated up to the top, you were a witch, and then you were burned. If you sunk, you were innocent, and you were dead. You couldn't win. And I'm presuming, because the girl in this story was found floating, they thought she was a witch. HER BROTHER DROWNED HER, HOW COULD THEY THINK SHE'S A WITCH?! Ahem. Sorry.
I wish the brother would have died. Ugh. She didn't deserve it.

Brilliant story, gallifreygal11! Loved it.





Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna lay down and become a tomato for a while.
— RokitaVivi