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Who is he?

He has black long fluffy hair and his proud of his long tail.

He likes to hunt but actually not so good hunter.

Sometimes people point out that his skill of hunt but he doesn't care about that.

Whatever others think of him, he doesn't mind at all.

On the other hand he has his own troubles.

For example He can't stop check everywhere in his house.

He already known where is the bathroom or what kind of things is in food stock case but he can't stop check every day.

Of cause he never try to stop do that just he think too much hustle sometimes because he has never thought about meaning in his life.

Who is he?

His name is must be Cha-ko.

As you know he doesn't attention to others.

So he is selfish because he is a cat.

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Points: 254038
Reviews: 4101

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Sun May 30, 2021 11:29 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a sweet little story here...I definitely enjoyed reading this nice little piece here...its a lot of fun to see that pretty funny reveal at the end and its just a pretty relaxing piece to read.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He has black long fluffy hair and his proud of his long tail.

He likes to hunt but actually not so good hunter.

Hmm...well this is a pretty decent start there, definitely building up a bit of mystery about who this is. You're doing a decent job describing this person and the unique skills that he has. Its definitely slowly forming a bit of a picture in the reader's imagination and I think that is the one that you want to create here, let's see where this goes at any rate.

Sometimes people point out that his skill of hunt but he doesn't care about that.

Whatever others think of him, he doesn't mind at all.

Hmm...well adding some personality to this person I see...looks like someone that's very confident in their own abilities and knows not to doubt themselves despite what anyone else might say, and well that seems like a pretty good quality, well as long as its not disregarding other people to the point of it becoming a bad quality that is. There's always a fine line with these things.

On the other hand he has his own troubles.

For example He can't stop check everywhere in his house.

Okay....well the problems you have as a person can also tell you a lot about someone so alright...this should also be some pretty interesting details and well this one certainly is quite an interesting detail that he somehow can't stop checking things in the house. That does add to his personality as well.

He already known where is the bathroom or what kind of things is in food stock case but he can't stop check every day.

Hmm...bathroom and food...well...that's definitely very interesting to see someone that checks those most frequently...I almost this is some kind of animal at this point, cause otherwise it doesn't make too much sense why the bathroom and the food would be the most checked items in the house.

Of cause he never try to stop do that just he think too much hustle sometimes because he has never thought about meaning in his life.

Okay...yeah this is definitely starting to sound more and more like an animal of some sort..well I suppose we will be finding out shortly...or have you left us off on a sort of cliffhanger here...well I guess I will be finding out really soon...

Who is he?

His name is must be Cha-ko.

As you know he doesn't attention to others.

So he is selfish because he is a cat.

Yay!!...my random guess is right....well...that's always fun when you're reading a story where there's a little bit of mystery involved, and well this was quite a nice fun piece here that you've got. Its definitely pretty funny to see that conclusion in the end and its just a fun little story to read.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, it had some issues here and there with grammar and spelling that several people have pointed out already so I didn't go with those...but as a short story...this was a fun read and it manages to be relatively funny with that reveal.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 94
Reviews: 66

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 7:21 am

Storybraniac wrote a review...

Hey there! Storybraniac here to review. I think that this story has a few mistakes, which I would like to clear up. But it's okay since this is your first story.

... And his proud of his long tail.

I guess for the first his, he is would be better.

He likes to hunt but actually not so good hunter .

I guess it's - but actually HE IS not so good AT HUNTING.

... Point out that his skill....

I guess it should be at instead of that.

For example.... He can't stop check everywhere at his house.

... Food stock case but he can't stop check everyday.

Check must be checking in both sentences.

He already knows where the bathroom is or what kind of things are in the food case ...

Corrections needed as mentioned above.

of course he never tries to stop doing that, it's just that he thinks too much hustle sometimes because he has never thought about meaning in his life .

Corrections needed but the line does not make too much sense to me.

His name is Cha-ko.

Corrections needed.

As you know he doesn't pay attention to others.

Corrections needed.

Overall I really liked the way you explained about the cat, or rather I think yourself. You did a great work for a fist story. Keep it up. Keep writing.

-stor
Brought to you by Team rocket.

Points: 874
Reviews: 232

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Mon Jul 21, 2014 10:02 pm

rainforest wrote a review...

Welcome to YWS! Since this is your very first story, I can tell you are new. Considering this is your first story, it is well written and flawless. I would agree the genres are general and humor. I think I will be looking out for your future stores. It is short and simple. A bit suspenseful because of the title. Anyways, have fun writing your books and don't stop.

-Unknown391625

Points: 256
Reviews: 37

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Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:27 pm

wickedlygoodwriter wrote a review...

Hello! Welcome! very cute story. slightly short but thats why they call it a short story. i like how you were able to capture the personality of a cat and give good descriptions but i would have liked to see better. you have some worn words and tenses in certain areas. i felt this more like a poem. overall, very cute, keep writing and improving.

Points: 561
Reviews: 476

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Thu Jul 17, 2014 10:56 am

Apricity wrote a review...

Hey maya, welcome to YWS! I like the avatar by the way, anyways let's get on with the review. Because this is your first story, I suppose I should go a bit more easy on you. Biscuit's already pointed out some of the nitpicks, but I will go into further depth.

He likes to hunt but actually not so good hunter.

The way you write sentences, I'm not sure if it is intentionally or not makes them sound awkward and chunky. You're missing some articles in the sentence I just quoted. To make it smoother try, 'he likes to hunt but actually is not such a good hunter.' That flows better, but the way you construct your sentence remind me of the way sometimes children write. So I don't know if this is intentionally or not.

Sometimes people point out that his skill of hunt but he doesn't care about that.

That awkward chunky flow again, and I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to say here either.

'Sometimes people point that his skill of hunt-' seems like something has been cut off after hunt, because the current sentence doesn't make much sense.

He already known where is the bathroom or what kind of things is in food stock case but he can't stop check every day.

Known should be knows.

There should be an article before 'food stock case'.

'Stop-check?' I think you mean stop checking.

Of cause he never try to stop...

Cause should be course.

His name is must be Cha-ko.

As you know he doesn't attention to others.[I]

So he is selfish because he is a cat.

The first line is very strange grammatically in nature, 'is must be' isn't grammatically correct. You either keep 'is' and get rid of 'must be' or vice versa.

I'm not sure what 'he doesn't attention to others' mean, if you mean that he doesn't pay any attention to other people then, perhaps try another way to write this?

Well, that end line was amusing, and somewhat surprising.

The story:

To be perfectly blunt, this seems more like a narrative poem instead of a short story. Partially because to the way that you've written it and the style in which you've written your story in. I've mentioned earlier that your story reminds me one of what a child might write, so perhaps our narrator is a child. I don't know, your sentences are chunky in nature but they also creates this unique atmosphere when you write like that. There are also some spelling mistakes in here, once again not sure if this is intentional or not. I found this story quite funny, because I wasn't expecting that he was cat but I also think that it's a bit mundane in some way. These are all the things we expect a cat to do, you could perhaps add in some humour with your style of writing because I don't think imagery would fit in well with this type.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

All the best.

[I]Flite

Points: 31396
Reviews: 760

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Thu Jul 17, 2014 10:01 am

ExOmelas wrote a review...

'his proud of his long tail.' - the first 'his ' should be 'is'.

'but actually not so good hunter.' There should definitely be an 'is' between 'but' and 'actually'. After that I'm really not sure. I understand what you're trying to say but there's something about the grammar that's not quite right.

'point out that his skill of hunt' - this should be 'point out his hunting skill'.

'He can't stop check everywhere in his house' - 'he' shouldn't be capitalised. 'check' should be 'checking'.

I'll let the next reviewer do more of the nit-picks and move onto plot stuff.

I think this is a great idea and the reveal that the end was a good concept. The problem was that it was a little direct. It felt more like a poem than a short story and now that I think about it a teeny wee bit of tweaking this would make an awesome poem.

A story would have to have a little more of an event and some setting.

My advice to you is to seek poetic help or just slot in a regular day and mention one of the events from a cat's day-today life.

Also, you said this was your first story. Did you enjoy it? I how you did because I can see you are suited to this.

Well done :-)

When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind