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Keeping it real-Chapter 1

by EPICnumber1


CHAPTER 1

I let go of my mother’s tearstained blouse, I look into her deep blue eyes reminding myself to be brave. I watch her shadow fade into the distance, I duck behind a wall to take cover, I hear millions of gunshots but the one that killed her stood out from them all. I half-heartedly run through the maze of the dead and stumble onto my mother, lying limp on the floor. I see a giant wound where her heart should be, blood coming from all directions. I’m blinded by grief. Her eyes linger open, I know she’s gone. I shut her eyelids trying to be peaceful but someone drags me off my feet. A single tear lands on my mother’s cheek I quickly bid her goodbye as my kidnapper takes me away. I don’t bother struggling as there is no point. I have lost everything. My head is covered and my limbs bound together by an immense force squeezing all nerves out of my body to welcome numbness.

That was 5 years ago

I stand in front of the thousands of graves that sit in this church yard. Only a few I know. Yet all of them died for me, for the divergent. I gaze among them my eyes linger upon the very few I know, the very few that stand out among the thousands.

I see my mother and father lie romantically side by side under the layers of rock and dirt that separates us. They died for me. The rest had a choice, they could have saved their necks but they didn’t and it has got them in a mess. A mess they can never be rid of. Death. They saved me and for that I am eternally grateful however it’s the price you have to pay when you are divergent. Like me.

I see his silhouette standing in the graves over head, I see him sink to his knees. He has probably found his own parents. Even from here his tears are faintly visible. I stroll over to him not bothering to take my time to look at the shameless names on the rotting graves. To read them I must be able to stop. Look. Read. Something I haven’t got time for.

“Tobias” I whisper so quietly I don’t think he heard but he did. He stands up keeping his back to me. I run up to him. The dead names wiz past in about 3 seconds. Gradually I get closer I hear sobs, soft sobs echoing from Tobias. He turns round showing me is blotched face tears rolling freely down his cheeks marking out his cheekbones. Even in the dead of night I can still make out his swollen bloodshot eyes. He looks down at me not bothering to turn back around to face his dead parents. I don’t think I could turn around again to face the parents that died for me. We share the same terrible burden; it just adds to the rest we carry along with us, yet why this one standing out from the rest? Why does this one seem like my fault?

“Irresponsible, they could have lived saved their own necks” he finally says in his croaky voice.

“Even Marcus, he saved me by sacrificing himself, irresponsible” he continues.

I look in to his deep dark eyes unable to make them out in the dark yet I know they’re there.

“No” I say planting a kiss on his forehead

“No, they were brave something you have to be” I continue

“They were selfish; selfishness has nothing to do with bravery”

“It can be” I say giving him a lingering kiss on his full lips. Nothing can separate us when we are bound together. You my call it a coincidence, I call it fate.

We creep in to the bureau unnoticed. We head towards the dorm but nobody is there. I look for Lynn, I call out Marlene yet no one comes. I start shivering in my blue shorts and shirt. I feel Tobias’s fingers curl into my palm. At his touch I suddenly feel warm again, the second he lets go I’m struck with grief and I start shivering again.

We search around the bureau for what seems like forever. I hear a faint scream; from the corner of my eye I see dead bodies or what seem to be bodies. The shape, the motions of them seem familiar like I have seen them before. I tug on Tobias’s t-shirt and point in the direction of the dead. He gasps and rushes towards them, I follow.

 There on the floor I see my brother Caleb lying limp on the floor blood poring out of him like a water fall, a waterfall of blood. I see his stone cold face his eyes looking up at me, without blinking, I fumble around for his hands not caring if I touch any blood. Cold, cold as ice, his pointy finger tips carve the groove in my palm. I feel my adrenaline fueled heart pounding effortlessly against my chest. A single tear stains his almost perfect face sleeping in tranquillity forever. More tears leave my eyes when I see who’s lying next to him, Lynn. I gasp at the sight of her war-battered face. No more crying I tell my self. No more. Be brave Tris I tell my self. I must be strong. For her. For them. No more. Lynn looks even more peaceful. What was once a happy glowing face full of life is now a limp, thin dirty face showing no life at all.

I get up and leave the corridor and run. Far, far away from where my dead brother and best friend fell. I hear Tobias’s thundering footsteps behind me threatening to catch me up lingering closer and closer until he finally does. I stop, grief stricken and lonely. My parent’s grave to see earlier today, and now I have just lost my brother and my best friend, whoever did this is going to pay, and they are going to pay big-time! Everything I had, all gone I have to find out what happened here.

We don’t see any more dead bodies lying on the floor. When we reach the lab we find David, Christina, Matthew, Cara, Amar and Marlene. They look about as worn-down as we do. Their clothes ripped and torn also they all have greasy hair and smell of old urine and sweat. A draft flows through a hole in the wall, it tickels my ears so I squirm.  All the lights are switched off giving the room an eerie effect, a shiver spirals down my spine so I clutch Tobias's hand, harder, harder, I swear he winced.

"Have you guys been living here?", I ask not wanting to hear the answer but an eerie silence that falls over us all like a thick blanket answers my question. We sit in the small stuffy room for what seems for a year but it was only twenty minuets.

“There was a war”! Matthew finnally decided to say. I want to hide in a dark corner, all alone. Another war means more dying, more injuries and most of all alot more grief. I know I must say something.

“We must prepare for another attack! Everything we do now counts on our lives, to the very last detail, costs our lives” I say. (It sounded better in my head.) A tear falls on to my tear stained cheek. Oh no I just remebered Caleb and Lynn, I wipe the tell tale tear away with the palm of my sweaty hand and concentrate on giving a speech.

“Double the guards, double security, double everything because ladies and gentlemen we are going to war!!!” I say yet again. (It sounded a lot better aloud than in my head). Tobias gives me an awkward smile, which then turns to a smile that is probably hurting his cheeks, to a full on kiss on the lips. I smile with gee. Faith is everything right now!


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Tue Nov 04, 2014 7:20 am
MissMikerowave says...



hi

to start with i really love this. i read all the divergernt books and thought they were good but this version is sooo much better. if only the original author was as good as you (im not saying she was bad but if she had put something like this as a 4th book it would be like - wow)

i really like the sentence you used

You my call it a coincidence, I call it fate.

and faith is everything right now.

its defenatly something tris would say.




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Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:33 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello, EPICnumber1!

First of all, epic user name. ;) Now, I have not read the... Divergent series. So, I apologize if one, I got the name of the series wrong, and two, if this review doesn't make any sense because I haven't read the series! So, let's see if this review is any good! (Also, on a side note, you might want to check your computer for viruses. If you see random links in a lit work... )

Now, in the first paragraph, I love the description. I can see the pain and grief of the character, and honestly, I'm feeling bad for the MC. However, I wonder who the kidnapper is and if the MC escaped...

The use of the bold/italics/underline was a bit... distracting. Yeah, it got my attention, but it was loud. Maybe make it just italics, or just bold. Both would make a statement.

Now, in the dialogue, before the ending double quotation mark, pieces of punctuation seem to be missing. Perhaps add them in? Like, here: “No,” I say planting a kiss on his forehead. Add in the red. ;)

You my call it a coincidence, I call it fait.

Is that the type of "fait" that you want to use here? It means: a legal deed, writing, or fact. I think the fate that needs to be used here is "fate."

Oh, wow. They're fighting a war. That's cool! I really want to know who they are fighting against! (Now, I really want to read the books...) While I said imagery in the first paragraph was amazing, I have to say... it was even better in the rest of the chapter. I could see everything even though I haven't been given an actual picture. Oh, how I felt for the character...
Nice chapter! Keep on writing!

Rae,




EPICnumber1 says...


Wow thanks for that :) by the way if you haven't read the divergent series you haven't lived lol :)



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Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:58 am
yellow wrote a review...



Hello there! Unknown391625 here wit another review!

Ok so, first off, I have a question. Are you in the Divergent Club? Because there was a post saying to make a Divergent fanfiction. Just wanted to know.

Anyways, this is awesome! I love Divergent. I think it is an amazing series. Anyways, good job with this. It's great! Something every Divergent fan would read. But, for the last part, you don't have a very good setting. Basically one of main concerns. But otherwise, great job! You categorized the genres and the title sounds awesome. Good job! I will look for more of you works. Never give up and always write!

-Unknown391625

P.S Stay Divergent




EPICnumber1 says...


Aw thanks. I am not in the divergent club but I wrote this ages ago and has been a draft for ages so I just posted it but I never knew there was a divergent club but thanks for the heads up :)



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Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:38 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! Let's see what we have here.

My main concern is that you don't have a good setting for the last part. I want to see what is happening around there. In the Divergent books, I really couldn't imagine the area that they were in so I had a lot of trouble reading those books. If you could make that setting come to life with some imagery, that would be amazing and I would really enjoy this fan fiction. I think that you need to improve a bit on your spelling and grammar. In the area of grammar that I want to specify on is your punctuation in conversations. The correct format is usually like this:
"Hello," said KatyaElefant. "This is some text." OR "Hello! This is some text?" answered KatayElefant. I advise that you put this through a spell checker before you post it.

I love the theme and general idea of this fan fiction. It really is how most people would feel and what they would do if their parents had died to some evil force. I would totally do this for revenge. I have no idea why tris didn't automatically start the army to attack the bad guys. I think that your paragraphs are not too long or not too short. I think your imagery in the first part is pretty good, it's just the parts after that don't have as much imagery. I want to see the army of people. I want to see her raise her fist. I want to see Tobias. Let's do this! Overall, pretty good job, I really enjoyed this and this got me into speech mode. Have a nice Review Day, keep calm and keep writing.





Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot