z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

An as-of-yet unnamed thing about crows, women and wizardry, Chapter 1

by guineapiggirl


Evangeline I: The Murder

"Slice of the she-demon's toes, and feed them to the crows!" shrieked a beggar.

"Then let the sorceress drown in a pool of her own blood!" bellowed a woman who had brought her two infant children to the hanging, and she threw a copper to the man, nodding and smiling at him to show their shared disgust.

Evangeline leapt over the beggar, squeezed through the legs of the woman, and elbowed her way through the crowd whose voices were nearly all joined together in one cry of "BURN THE WITCH!" Just one puny, pitiful group of students from the University of Science and Innovation shouted to the contrary- "FREE AREIA! LEARNING IS NOT A CRIME!"- as they tried to fight off the Malicia with their placards. Swinging her sign declaring "EDUCATION IS OUR RIGHT!" towards a Malicia club, one protester hit Evangeline, propelling her forwards into the throng surrounding the pyre that had already been built. Evangeline could glimpse the Justice sat upon his raised throne at the opposite end of the court. But where was Areia? Evangeline craned her neck, hoping to get a view of the dungeon gate, but it was no use; she would have to get nearer if she hoped to see anything.

All of a sudden, the crowd's chanting reached a tumultuous roar. They've brought her out, Evangeline thought, heartbeat quickening, and with one last desperate shove she found herself at the front of the crowd, standing just metres from the condemned.

The young woman being dragged towards the Justice was nothing like Evangeline had pictured her. Where she had expected to see a fierce, wrathful warlock, sending out sparks of pure magic with every step, was a scrawny, shaking, stumbling girl. Her legs and arms were covered in fresh scars; one foot was missing three toes. She flinched away from the guards who hauled her up each time she fell to the ground- were they the ones who'd tortured her? Evangeline wondered. Or was she too traumatised to know? Lady Areia's eyes were wide with fear and red from tears.

"BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH BURN THE WITCH!" bellowed the crowd.

The Justice cleared his throat, then held his hand up, asking for silence. From his high throne, he surveyed the ruin of Wizard Arietto, who just days before had graduated top of the year. "You, the Lady Areia Isabetta Myrcella Donatella Echivarria," he declared, "are found guilty of the murders by magic of Professors akd;fjasjfs aksjf;ls and akdjf;als adlk;fjasl and of Malicia guards Sergeant dkaj;flsj, Private klsjf;lasjf, Private skfj;aslj and Private as;flsjl, of grievous bodily harm inflicted, also by magic, upon Professor askjf;sjf, Wzd sjfaskljf;ls, Wz akjdksfja and Wz ajslkfjs;f, and of grievous bodily harm inflicted by the foot to the belly upon Private akl;sjfls;js, of the arson by magic of a historical, listed and sacred building, of the theft of a wizard's staff, of the fraudulent impersonation of your late brother, the Lord Arietto Horatio Paulo Dimitri Echivarria, of fraudulently acquiring a magical license, of practicing magic without a valid license, and of the heinous and accursed crime of witchcraft, of brewing beer whilst under a vow of abstinence, and of acquiring a beard through false means. Do you confess to these crimes?"

Up on the platform, the Lady Areiaattempted to croak her response through a split lip, cracked teeth and a mangled tongue. The crowd strained to hear her: a street-vendor selling rotten fruit to throw and printed accounts of Areia's fall to immorality for half a baluchi stopped mid-transaction; the rabble screaming "BURN THE WITCH!" fell silent; the Malicia dragging the struggling students away were still, and the students ceased their cries of "LEARNING IS NOT A CRIME!" A Malicia stood by the pyre shifted restlessly, and gave his flaming torch an experimental swing towards the twigs. One spark flew off and landed on a twig. For a moment, it appeared that the pyre would catch alight and burn before they could place their witch upon it, but then the spark fizzled out.

Finally, she found her voice.

"I acknowledge these actions," murmured the Lady Areia Echivarria brokenly. She took a deep breath, and voice quavering continued. "However, I do not confess to them, for to do so would be to say that I believe I have done some evil, when to the contrary I have fought for what is right and just." She raised her voice above the cheering of the students and the jeers of the crowds. "It would be to say that I am ashamed of my actions, when I will be proud to die for my beliefs, and it would be to give in when I know that the struggle shall go on!"

The crowd were in a frenzy, spitting and shaking their fists at the woman on the stage, cursing her name and her unnatural ideas.

Only the Justice was unmoved.

"You have confessed to crimes," he said, staring at Areia with blank eyes, "so immoral, so repugnant, that by law you ought to be executed eighteen times: eleven times by hanging," Areia shuddered, "twice by forslug," she winced, "once by four-horses, once by death by crow-cage, once by beheading... and once by burning." Areia whimpered softly. She glanced at the pyre, blanched and looked as if she were about to vomit.

"Unfortunately," the Justice continued, "there is no known way to execute someone eighteeen times without using the darkest of magic."

"DO IT!" shrieked voices in the crowd.

"ETERNAL DEATH TO THE DEMON!"

"MAKE THE SORCERESS SUFFER!"

"FIGHT EVIL WITH EVIL!"

"PARDON ALL CHARGES!" the students bellowed desperately. Evangeline gasped as she saw a Malicia hit the ringleader of the students over the head with his truncheon, sending her to the floor with blood spouting from the wound.

The Justice allowed himself the briefest of emotions, a smile at those disrupting the peace being dealt with. "Which shall it be?" he asked the crowd. "How should the witch be punished?"

As if they were reading from the script of a twisted horror story, the crowd took their cue: "BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!"

The Malicia with the torch by the pyre was clapping his hands, shouting along with the rabble. In his carelessness, the torch brushed against the pyre. This time, he was not so lucky, and he watched in horror as flames caught and the pyre began to blaze.

"Areia Isabetta Myrcella Donatella Echivarria..." the Justice said, "you are hereby declared a witch and sentenced to death for this and the other aforementioned crimes. Execution by burning shall be carried out forthwith." Then he banged his hammer once upon the arm of his throne, stood and, cloak whirling, departed from the courtyard through the Jail Gate.

"MURDERER!"

"THIS IS NO JUSTICE!"

"HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?"

" YOU WIZARDS' WHORE! YOU SORCERERS' SLU-" A truncheon to the face stopped the protester from finishing, and the last of her friends were finally overpowered. The Malicia led them kicking and screaming away, leaving their "EDUCATION IS OUR RIGHT!" signs upon the ground, to be trampled upon as the crowd flocked to the now blazing pyre.

Areia's last reserves of strength and bravery had fled from her with her hope. As they dragged her towards the flames, she flailed out at the guards, clawing and scratching them. She broke free for a moment and raced to leap from the platform, only to be passed back up to the Malicia by the crowd who were desperate for the smell of burning flesh.

"I've done no wrong!" she pleaded the Malicia surrounding her. "I'm only nineteen. I don't want to die!" Some laughed; the rest, grim-faced, ignored her. She turned her eyes to the crowd, searching for someone who would save her. She spied Evangeline, staring horror-struck at the scene, amidst the throng of bloodthirsty faces. A certain calmness fell upon Areia's face, and some of the courage she'd had before the sentence was passed returned. She reached into her corset and extracted a shiny, ruffled black feather. The flickering flames of the Malicia's torches shone upon it. She clutched it in her hand to her chest, closed her eyes and breathed, and when she opened them again they were filled with a steely determination.

She was now close enough to the Pyre to feel the heat upon her face. As the Malicia shoved her forwards, she gave the feather one last lingering look, then released it to flutter down into the crowd.

Areia stepped into the flames. First they licked at skin then they took hold, and the stench of smouldering flesh filled the air. Evangeline was unable to look away. She saw Areia grit her teeth and grimace, holding back screams, as her hair and clothes blackened and fell away. Sweat, soot and blood made rivulets down Areia's scrunched-up face. Tears trickled from Evangeline's eyes, yet she watched unblinking as Areia's skin crisped, until she finally broke and emitted one piercing long scream.

Areia's scream heightened and then suddenly faltered. She collapsed- unconcious or already dead? - into the centre of the bonfire, so that all the spectators could see were her remaining seven toes, curling and shrivelling.

The sun seemed to suddenly set and the sky turned dark so that all that lit the scene were the flickering flames of the bonfire. Looking up, Evangeline saw thousands of dark shapes moving above them, blocking the sunlight with their wings. A few in the crowd began to scream.

Then the crows descended. As one, the murder feel upon the crowds, so great in number that the beating of their wings drowned out the cries of shock and terror. They screeched a terrible war cry- CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW"- as they stabbed the crowd with their beaks.

"Oh my, oh my!"

"My eye! My eye!"

"My BABY!"

Panicked wails filled the air. There were a dozen crows to every member of the crowd,

each seeming to target them with a vicious vengeance.

Only Evangeline was untouched. Blood flowed from those stood around her, yet not one wing or one beak beat or bit her. The pyre was obscured from vision by the throng of black, blood and carnage; the stench of burning human was overpowered by the rivers of blood. Evangeline's feet felt wet. She looked down and realised she was stood in a puddle of it, a puddle of blood from all different people mingling together, and different body parts floating in it... Was that a finger? And that a tongue? Then Evangeline glanced something else...

The feather. The feather Areia had thrown; a crow's feather, Evangeline now recognised it as. It had landed at her feet. It was glistening wet with blood. Without really knowing why, she bent to pick it up. She wiped the blood from the feather onto her dress, then she placed it in her pocket and wiped off her fingers.

Swiftly as they'd came, the crows departed, their CAW CAWS! now falling upon the silence surrounding the corpses and half-dead, dismembered bodies they'd left. When the air had cleared, Evangeline looked towards the pyre.

It had burned out. All that was left of Areia Echivarria was a pile of ashes.

And a courtyard flowing with blood, and a sky filled with the screeching of crows.


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Thu Jun 26, 2014 12:19 pm
Laure wrote a review...



Hai! Laure here as requested, did you read my reviewing style before requesting? If not, I tend to kill your work. Prepare for an onslaught, lackey. Because Sarah seems to have already pointed out a lot of the technical things, I'm going to comment mainly on your style and your writing.


"Slice of the she-demon's toes, and feed them to the crows!" shrieked a beggar.


Of should be off.

"You, the Lady Areia Isabetta Myrcella Donatella Echivarria," he declared, "are found guilty of the murders by magic of Professors akd;fjasjfs aksjf;ls and akdjf;als adlk;fjasl and of Malicia guards Sergeant dkaj;flsj, Private klsjf;lasjf, Private skfj;aslj and Private as;flsjl, of grievous bodily harm inflicted, also by magic, upon Professor askjf;sjf, Wzd sjfaskljf;ls, Wz akjdksfja and Wz ajslkfjs;f, and of grievous bodily harm inflicted by the foot to the belly upon Private akl;sjfls;js, of the arson by magic of a historical, listed and sacred building, of the theft of a wizard's staff, of the fraudulent impersonation of your late brother, the Lord Arietto Horatio Paulo Dimitri Echivarria, of fraudulently acquiring a magical license, of practicing magic without a valid license, and of the heinous and accursed crime of witchcraft, of brewing beer whilst under a vow of abstinence, and of acquiring a beard through false means. Do you confess to these crimes?"


Don't know if you're trying to be funny here, but instead of typing in random letters like aoineorinfeoirfnosiemge, if you really can't think of a character name just leave it blank or even a line is better than a series of random letters. It makes your work seem untidy and unprofessional, in fact even if you leave it was Professor or Private. It would have conveyed your meaning perfectly well.

I don't know if you intended this to be a satire novel or a black humour novel or if it is purely historical. If it is historical, then I strongly suggest you to go and do some research on Medieval Europe and their beliefs in witches, and maybe some of their daily routines as well as that. In order to re-create a realistic historical novel, you must have a good understanding of the era in which you're writing in. That includes everything from their daily life, their social hierarchy and how that may affect your story. For example in this chapter, you have students from a Science academy to protest about 'Learning is not a crime.' Now, if this was intended as a parallel novel to our modern society it might have worked, but I'm pretty sure back then. College didn't even exist, in fact, I doubt education would be available if you're not someone who's very high up in the social hierarchy.

Sarah has already pointed this out to you, but I will touch up on it again. It is extremely unlikely that someone like a Lord or Lady would be accused of a witch, they hold power over a lot of people and I don't think unless they have exact proof against them would accuse a Lord or Lady of witchery.

"I acknowledge these actions," murmured the Lady Areia Echivarria brokenly. She took a deep breath, and voice quavering continued. "However, I do not confess to them, for to do so would be to say that I believe I have done some evil, when to the contrary I have fought for what is right and just." She raised her voice above the cheering of the students and the jeers of the crowds. "It would be to say that I am ashamed of my actions, when I will be proud to die for my beliefs, and it would be to give in when I know that the struggle shall go on!"


I found several contradictory elements in this paragraph. First she says she acknowledges them which already implies she has either committed these crimes or knows them. And then, she says that she believes what she fought was right and just. Ok, I have no problem with that but what exactly did she fight for? I don't have a problem with writers hiding their answers because it provides mystery. But here, without knowing what she's fighting for the whole dialogue seems a bit pointless.

I'm going to sum up what I want to say about this chapter here. You've got off an interesting start, the ending held some mystery and some foreshadow as to what is about to come. You've got a nice plot there, and I can definitely see potential brewing within your writing however, these are some of the problems I found while reading.

Telling and not showing. I noticed in here that you tend to narrate and describe a lot of what you're character is doing. I will use one example to demonstrate my point:

Only Evangeline was untouched. Blood flowed from those stood around her, yet not one wing or one beak beat or bit her. The pyre was obscured from vision by the throng of black, blood and carnage; the stench of burning human was overpowered by the rivers of blood. Evangeline's feet felt wet. She looked down and realised she was stood in a puddle of it, a puddle of blood from all different people mingling together, and different body parts floating in it... Was that a finger? And that a tongue? Then Evangeline glanced something else...


Your descriptions above has already narrated everything you want to say. Is static, still. Instead try putting it in action or corporate it into action scenes. Your vocabulary is good, you can put that to good use such as using better word choices in some places.

You wrote, 'the stench of burning human', this doesn't sound or flow that well. Instead, 'the stench of burning human flesh' would work better.

Also, avoid sentences or words that means the same. 'She looked down and realised she was stood in a puddle of it, a puddle of blood from all different people mingling together, and different body parts floating in it... Was that a finger? And that a tongue? Then Evangeline glanced something else..'

Earlier in the same paragraph, you have already mentioned that she was standing at a spot where blood from others flowed around her. So the second part is redundant. The same with the tongues and arms, body parts include those. Also with Evangeline glancing, I think you can use another better word instead of glancing. Glancing doesn't seem to be the right word for this type of context.

The second one is the plausibility of your characters and your novel's setting. I've already mentioned this before so I'm not going to go into much detail. When you write, just try and make your characters as realistic as possible and that means developing them well. You've done an alright job with your characters in this chapter however I would like to see their psychological side as well.

All the best, I look forward to hearing more from this story.

-Laure






Thank you for a review with so much stuff for me to improve! Firstly, very embarrassed about the "of"- I don't know how that happened... The names are placeholders, and I think I've found replacement names for most of them now. The wizards' names are going to be based on popes, because the University of Wizards is going to be meant to be a bit like the Catholic Church at the time of the Inquisition. This is fantasy, not historical fiction, but obviously influenced by real human history. I think I'm drawing most strongly from the Renaissance, a little from witch-burning, and from the Suffragette movement. It's interesting what you said about what she's fighting not being clear; perhaps I didn't realise that I hadn't made it sufficienly obvious to the reader that she's fighting for women's rights to train as wizards and to be educated because it was so clear in my head! So thanks for giving me a lot to improve, and I'll let you know when an edited version of this and/or the next chapter is up!



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Wed Jun 25, 2014 9:07 pm
NerdBird wrote a review...



Hey there! Your friendly neighborhood NerdBird here for a review!

This was a really interesting and captivating piece! Certainly different, and I cant get the thought of those crows out of my head!

So lets clear through some nitpicks! As they are just that!
Some minor grammatical and tense errors are knocking about, but a quick read through will fix them :)
I'm not sure that Areia needs such an extraordinarily long name, I understand in the past, people did have numerous family names and all would be acknowledged during an execution, but the length of each name itself makes this string of names seem a lot longer than it actually is!

I am also guessing that each group of gobbledegook e.g, akdjf;als adlk;fjasl , dkaj;flsj, skfj;aslj
is a place holder for when you have decided on the names for the fodder(possibly not fodder).
I wouldnt focus too much time on the latter if they are indeed fodder and are not integral to the rest of the plot :)

I think the animal sounds would work better in italics as we already have a lot of capitals screaming about from the terrified people. Although its obvious its an animal call, amongst the other capitals it could be overlooked as the town idiot's(being a medieval setting to me) reaction as opposed to the crows.

The most exciting part for me was the crows, as ive mentioned at the beginning but it was all a little chaotic, and disjointed, it seems over so quickly but if there are dismembered bodies after what seems like mere seconds, then the attack clearly lasted more than mere seconds! (tiny beaks take a while to tear flesh let alone dismember), and even then dismembered bodies!
You have a great result of the attack there! why not describe it? Why not sicken your character to the core with the image of a young woman or man having his guts pulled out and played with like an accordian? Imagery is a powerful thing!

First impressions are great. Its not a typical magic/witchcraft story. Clearly the people are aware of magic, use magic, yet still discriminate against magic, but clearly for political reasons. Perhaps only the priveleged can practice certain areas of magic? Im interested in finding out the real reason why she was burned, but at the same time, im hoping for more of a mystery spin as political themes can be a bit heavy sometimes(they bland up a story real quick I find) but if done well I have every confidence youll nail it! :)

Keep up the good work!
:)






Thank you for such a positive review and useful advice! Yup, the names are placeholders that I forgot about before uploading- bit embarrassing! I agree about the crow sounds. Your comments about Areia's name and about needing to expand on the crow attack agree with TriSARAHtops' comments, so I think I'll cut a Myrcella or a Donatella and spend some time working on the crow attack tomorrow! I'll let you know when the next chapter's up. Thank you again fro the review :D



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Mon Jun 23, 2014 6:38 am
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TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



HELLO! This was a really interesting piece to read, and I'm glad I found it. There's a bit to say about it, and I'll start with the quibbles:

Evangeline could glimpse the Justice sat upon his raised throne at the opposite end of the court.

Grammar issue here, you should have 'sitting' instead of 'sat'.

"You, the Lady Areia Isabetta Myrcella Donatella Echivarria," he declared, "are found guilty of the murders by magic of Professors akd;fjasjfs aksjf;ls and akdjf;als adlk;fjasl and of Malicia guards Sergeant dkaj;flsj, Private klsjf;lasjf, Private skfj;aslj and Private as;flsjl, of grievous bodily harm inflicted, also by magic, upon Professor askjf;sjf, Wzd sjfaskljf;ls, Wz akjdksfja and Wz ajslkfjs;f, and of grievous bodily harm inflicted by the foot to the belly upon Private akl;sjfls;js,

Obviously, when it comes to naming your characters, it is completely up to you, but that said, I wasn't sure if I liked that Areia had such a long name. I guess if she's very high-ranking in the nobility -- which is the connotation given by such a long name -- the fact that she had numerous names would work, otherwise maybe cut it down. It is up to you, but personally her name felt like it went on a bit too long.

I'm assuming that the rest of the names in there are just placeholders until you come up with the proper names? I'd recommend getting onto that quickly, because it looks really bad with just gibberish, and even if the names aren't perfect, you can change them pretty easily. At the moment, the paragraph looked really messy, and I only skimmed it at first because I was so distracted by the 'names', so I could have potentially missed out on important information.

A Malicia stood by the pyre shifted restlessly,

Should be 'standing' instead of 'stood', or it would also be grammatically correct to say 'who stood', but the flow wouldn't be as good.


"DO IT!" shrieked voices in the crowd.

"ETERNAL DEATH TO THE DEMON!"

"MAKE THE SORCERESS SUFFER!"

"FIGHT EVIL WITH EVIL!"

"PARDON ALL CHARGES!"

Personally, I don't have an issue with capitalisation, however I think you could use it more effectively if you built up to it, i.e. started with normal writing, then italics, then capitalisation. It would give more of an effect of the situation building up to a crescendo. Capitalisation tends to equate to really high emotion, and its effect is kind of dulled if it's overused.

"I've done no wrong!" she pleaded the Malicia surrounding her

'Pleaded' is one of those funny words that you can't perform on something - it just exists by itself. I haven't really explained it well, but essentially, you can't plead someone. You can beg someone, so you could change plead to 'beg', which would work, or you could put in a comma after 'pleaded'.

CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW"-

I think this would work better in italics, just because there is already so much capitalisation in this piece already, but that's up to you. The main reason I point this sentence out is because your punctuation is inconsistent -- you haven't started with quotation marks, therefore you shouldn't end with them.

Panicked wails filled the air. There were a dozen crows to every member of the crowd,

each seeming to target them with a vicious vengeance.

Not quite sure why there's a paragraph space here. I'm assuming it's a typo, but if it was on purpose, and it's a stylistic feature, it isn't particularly effective.

Aside from the nitpicking, something I noticed was that you weren't exactly clear about the crows' attack -- it needed more detail because I was confused about what was happening. Don't be afraid to include lots of action, and say what is going on, especially in such an... exciting (not the exact word for it, but you get my point) situation. I was able to work out what happened, but I didn't really feel anything. You want the audience to be on the edge of their seat, and feel the fear and shock (BLOOD! GORE!) as it happens. Your writing is good and I reckon you're capable of doing so -- you just need to include more detail.

All that said, you're off to a fantastic start. Your premise is really interesting, and I look forward to how you go about weaving a political theme or message through it (I'm actually genuinely excited to potentially be able analyse a theme from a story, no joke. I love stories with messages and themes woven into them). There is a political feel to the story already, and I hope you expand on it further.

Your writing is pleasant to read, and it drew me in right from the word go. I am a nitpicker, but I was very happy with how little I picked up on to nitpick over. Your story isn't perfect, but you've got a fantastic foundation, and I really hope you carry on with this because I think it's only going to improve from here. You incorporated tension and suspense at the end really well, and aside from the bit with the crows that I've already mentioned, your pacing was very good.

You've shown some great world-building so far, and within the opening paragraphs you had already succeeded in showing us the society in which your story was set. It feels well-developed and original, and I can't wait to learn more about it as the story progresses. I also look forward to getting to know Evangeline better, and discovering where she fits into what's going on.

Please let me know when the next chapter's up, because I would love to read it, and let me know if you have any questions. Fantastic job so far!






Thanks for a really great review! I completely forgot I hadn't named them yet... I was just sort of in the flow when I wrote this, and couldn't be bothered to sit around trying to figure out names that fitted in with the mixed European feel I'm trying to go for. I'll get onto that!
Thanks for all the funky little nitpicks as well. I'll edit them tonight. And I'll expand the crow bit, because I want that to be properly thrilling. Hoping to have written the next chapter (I'm afraid it's with a different focal character, so you won't get to know Evangeline much better just yet) by the end of the weekend.
I agree about the capitalisation- I think I'll just make most of those lower letters just with exclamation marks, if not all of them.
Thanks again for a really great encouraging but also very helpful review!



TriSARAHtops says...


You're welcome! :-) Looking forward to chapter two!




[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] GrandWild: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— GrandWild