*This part is from a novel I'm writing on paper, I hope it will suffice. To tell you the truth, I wrote this part even before I had connected it to the rest of the book.
"Who is Okami?" Asked Suzie.
"Only my one true love!" I yelled back over the blair of the radio.
She squealed right back. "But it was always a dream." I told myself clutching the pendant he had given me, I knew this wasn't true. We both knew the risks when we took this job, and I had to finish it with, or without him. While Suzie was still giving me her I'm-so-happy-for-you lecture, I put her shell into my coat pocket. This was the final piece, and once again Okami will return, and the dragon would awaken.
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128,356 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is quite a short extract to try an judge a story on...but umm...this sounds pretty interesting.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well this is an interesting little excerpt here, definitely a very small one to try and judge anything on, but ehh....I just saw this tiny piece and wanted to a take a look...xD...so lemme try and figure out what I can from this....this certainly seems interesting enough.
Hmmm...well the mention of jobs being done and dragons definitely make me think that this novel has something to with secret agents and or agencies or at least some kind of organized fighters working to combat some kind of threat that's about to rise here, or at least that is the vibe I manage to get at the moment.
Hmm...well this Okami person seems important to our main character here but also seems like perhaps a former part of this team perhaps at least judging by some of the lines in that third bit there, so that's also interesting, as much as this appears to be just a tiny part of this story from a random place in the novel, it looks like potentially this is from a pretty important scene where they've perhaps lost a team member from this main team and have to make the difficult decision of moving past it or waiting somehow....it certainly is an intriguing scene and based on just this I would certainly read that full story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this seems like a cool story...and really that's all I have to say here...xD...its just too short for me to overanalyze any more here...
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
""Who is Okami?" Asked Suzie."
*change "Asked" to "asked"
"I yelled back over the blair of the radio"
*blair should be blare; why would you "yell back" when the other person simply asked you a question?
"She squealed right back."
*first they're asking, then they're yelling and now they're squealing. it would back total sense if you didn't use the word "back".
"myself clutching"
*insert a comma in between "myself" and "clutching".
"I knew this wasn't true."
*make this a separate sentence
I think this is a nice little piece. There are the few grammar mistakes and you switch up your tenses, but otherwise it is good. I don't understand what is going on exactly, but this is a good excerpt!
Hiya, Kelpies!
This is interesting... I don't really know what to think of it! Isn't Okami a female white wolf anime character? That's what my friend told me, at least.
Since this is so short, I'm going to paste it here and edit it all for you. You should try and get on a computer instead of an iPad so that you can fix everything! I underlined everything that I changed. Some things I did just so that it would sound better.
A lot of what I changed was optional; only edit what you want to edit!
I like this. It seems like something that would be on the back cover of a book to catch a reader's attention. I am interested to see who this Okami is... Nice job!
I will review Chapter One soon!
Thanks! And the back of the book thing is exactly what I was aiming for!
Very good. Everything about it leaves me wanting more to read. I really want to know more about Okami and Suzie and "I". It was very well written and seemed very intriguing. Its clear to see how the characters are feeling and how they are open with each other. It was awesome to see how Suzie reacts. I really like how you wrote everything out. I cant wait to read more of it!!!!!!
"I" am Cairnes in the book. But I have a different name in each world, you will get it more when the first chapter is out. Here is a hint into the plot:
"Dream on Cairnes"
An alternate name besides Awe.
Ok, thanks
This small portion of your story seems well written and it leaves me wanting more at the end. The dialog was realistic and well done as well. The characters thoughts are clear and the conversation gives a small window into what Suzie and the main characters relationship is. I look forward to seeing more of this!
And you shall see more.
Huzzah dragons!
This sounds very much like a blurb to me, and methinks it is a key stage in the plot.
It seems very manga-like, and also sort of steampunk. Connotations like this are important in a blurb because it decides whether someone will read the book or not, so you have done well if these presumptions are correct.
I wouldn't use the word "sqealed" to describe someone's voice were I you. It makes the character irritating and sounds unrealistic. This however is just my opinion.
Hope this helps is some way, Take That You Fiend!
Partially true, partially true. Sort of steampunk, sort of just plain fantasy, it's all based on my dreams! You'll get it when the first chapter is out.
Ok guys! I am in the process of typing chapter one! It should be out within the week.
Can't wait to read c:
Hello, Kelpies.
Kanome here with a review for you.
Typical fan-girling going on here, at least, that's what I saw in the first sentence.
Anywho, this is very interesting to me.
Is this like the prologue of the story?
If so, you should continue this, I would love to read more of this!
The grammer seems okay, so is the content of it.
My only suggestion here is to continue this lovely story if this is a continuous thing.
Keep up the great work c:
This certain paragraph is somewhere near the middle of the story. Thanks for the review by the way. And the love affair is just a garnish, even though it is heavy compared to most of my stories. And as of this post, I will have started typing the first chapter to this book. Just so you know, it's going to take me a while to get the chapters after the first three or so out because I really like the plot line and want to be careful that I don't waste one of my better stories. I'll get back to you as soon as the first chapter is out.
Hey, Kelpies! Asteria here with a review.
Where the grammar has already been touched on, I'll focus on the content. I want to know more about what the characters are facing, who they are. You've given a taste of what this novel is going to be, but it's so small a taste, it makes it hard to follow. We know that the main character is in love with Okami, and that they're doing some sort of a job. Then we know there's a dragon that'll awaken, whether metaphoric or real has yet to be seen.
This one bit is a little hard for me to follow without other context, but the building blocks are definitely there for what could be a compelling novel.
I look forward to reading more.
Yea, I'm pretty much always like that. Giving the reader minute details. But, when I've worked out all the kinks, the rest will go on here. Shall I post something on your wall when I do?
Absolutely! I'd love to see when you've added more so that I can read as it progresses.
Thanks!
This is very interesting! I would be very happy if you made more... You should make it a big story... It would make a really good series, it doesn't have to though. I would totally get into it... I just think it would be nice if you did. Think about it for a little while, and when you get an answer, inform me.
Thanks for the critique, and I am in the process of creating the rest of this novel. This is just a snippet, the rest will be published when I finish it.
Theweiter13 here for a review.
Your title, first off, says "Awe." Why is that? What connection does the title have to this piece. Just curious.
Few typos, but I do have some nitpicks:
"...Blair of the radio." I think you mean "blare."
Also after the bits of dialogue you have there are no commas.
For example:
"but it was always a dream." I told myself. A comma should go after dream. When you go back to revise look at comma placement and look for spelling errors as well. I'd be interested to see the novel you're writing that is connected to this piece.
Keep up the good work
And keep writing
Thanks! All the typos are because I'm on an iPad, except blare because I have no idea how to spell it. Thanks again!
You're welcome