I was led upon the blanket of grass that was spread upon my back garden floor and I looked up into the blue spanse of sky, so immense and extraordinary it made my eyes hurt just to meet it. There were clouds of white, birds of black and trees of brown and green stretching up, spreading their fingers to try and meet the blue space of nothingness but to no avail, they will never touch the sky and neither will I. Yet still I look, I watch and I dream.
There I was, a small fleck of dust on the universe, a beating heart drowned out by the sounds of everything else's existence, looking up, up, up to something that would never meet my own eyes for it had so much to look down on, things far more interesting than I.
I then saw a plane, it flew up there, wings cutting through the blue like a knife, closer than anything else to that unreachable thing, and it made me reflect.
Whilst I was lying there trapped firmly upon the ground someone was piloting that plane. They were high, soaring through the sky like a colossal bird, living out a dream of mine to fly. There must have been passengers, they would have been sitting, looking out through their windows and marvelling at everything they saw. They were where man could only have dreamt of being so long ago. Where they were going I had no clue, I racked my brain, where is north? They were going east I had guessed, and I sighed and wished I was flying up there with them.
That was when it happened. A sputter of grey smoke, the sound of a stuttering engine that I was deaf to, and then the nose of the plane tipped, it spiralled, it was falling helplessly.
There I was, a living being, breathing hitched but still functioning, and there they were, preparing to meet death. Bittersweet. To meet the sky, and fall down, down, down, only to die.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well..this was a pretty interesting little piece here...definitely not the kind of ending I expected but well...it was a really well executed ending there at any rate. I do also love the way the paragraph size keeps getting shorter and things go from just broad appreciation of the surroundings on a grand scale to just one sudden image of death.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay....very interesting little description to start off with, its certainly creating a lovely image of nature buts its also imbued with a sense of someone trying to reach for something that they don't think they can possibly achieve, or perhaps a sense of helplessness in something perhaps, but I can also see a sort of determination or maybe more like a sense of hope by this person that maybe someday this impossible thing can be achieved....hmmm...well it certainly is a first paragraph that makes you think a lot.
Hmm...alright well that is even more interesting, this person's just sort of reflecting on the sky and how small once can be compared to that, its something you can try to interpret a bunch out of, but hmm...well...I don't think I would try and analyze this passage specifically....I'm gonnna read on a bit more here...but at this point I do get a sense of this person sort of realizing how small they are in the grand scheme of things or something along those lines.
Hmm..well...that's a pretty cool series of thoughts there, someone just wanting to be up in the sky flying around..and then seeing this plane go through and reflecting on that and wishing they were up there. I feel like that's a super relatable thing as well there, I'm sure we've all done something similar at some point...so well...its a pretty nice image to create there.
And well...here I was naively hoping this would be a happy story...well..what goes up does come down I suppose...hmm...well certainly a bit of a bittersweet ending there, imagining that all these people that were enjoying themselves flying high are now panicking as they plummet to their deaths...I also love the change towards a much smaller pair of paragraphs to bring across the shock of that event as opposed to the large paragraphs with the earlier descriptions that are more relaxing.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was a pretty neat little story, definitely was an interesting read...aand well, I guess that's all I have to say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really liked this a lot! You use imagery really well and you set a great tone to the whole story with it. Like the others are saying, I loved the ending. As for the actual content, I have no suggestions. I'm trying really hard to think of decent criticism...there's a few parts where I personally would have worded things differently, like with "Yet still I look," but there's nothing wrong with it grammatically. Okay...very good story. You should really stick with writing! Um...well, this was my first review so I really hope it was helpful!!
Thank you very much! And may I say what a wonderful and kind first review, it was indeed helpful and I'm glad you enjoyed!
Hey, Huda here.
I've read your story and it totally amazed me. The descriptions are wonderful and the way you've used them in your story is just totally awesome. This story speaks of your good writing skills and good grasp on words. I also like the ending. However, there are a few punctuation m like missing commas and use of 'and' twice in the same sentence seems to disrupt the flow of writing. Lastly, I loved the ending. It was great! Keep writing!
Thank you very much! I'm only just starting out and your advice is very helpful, I'm glad you enjoyed!
Knight r4 here to review this work, chloegough. I certainly hope this helps!
You should take out the and here and replace it with a comma. Like thewriterguy13 said you need to work on your commas. But don't get discouraged. I have the same problem.First off let's start with the nit-picks I found while reading.
This is just my "everything has to be realistic" thing, but if the plane were blue you couldn't see it against the sky. This is also a fused sentence or comma splice I believe. You just need to change the comma after plane to a period. The last phrase could be reworded or made into a new sentence to flow better.
Not to be rude but I thing you should consider your use of whilst. I mean the midst of modern English thesis rather out of place. You also need a comma after "ground btw.
Okay. Aside from the comma problem, this was good. I like your description. It is pretty good for remembering a dream. Normally my dreams are pretty foggy. But you did a good job.
But talk about a short story. This was really short. But that's okay since this is never going to be published or anything like that. Good job! Happy writing!!!
Thank you! I seriously abuse the use of commas and it's a problem I need to fix so your criticism is very much appreciated!
This is pretty intense stuff.
I really liked your use of imagery and just the way you put the entire thing together.
I want to read it some more.
Ok, peace. I liked it lots.
4/5 stars.
Wow. What a deep story. I was feeling so many emotions just by reading the first paragraph! Not much to critique. I would work on the commas in the story because you use a lot of phrases in a lot of sentences and you only combine them by using commas.
One sentence, for example:
"There I was, a living being, breathing hitched but still functioning, and there they were, preparing to meet death." its sort of a run-on, I think. Just be careful about all those commas!
Also the first sentence: instead of led, it should be laid.
I loved the vivid description. The whole bit about sky not looking down on the reader because it was too big was great!
Keep writing.
Thank you! I'll keep working on my use of commas, I admittedly do use them far too much