As I started walking toward the light I think about the plane crashing.
I woke up feeling the plane descending. People were screaming and babies were crying. I feel my body lift up feeling like I was on a roller coaster. The airbags suddenly drop and I am struggling to put mine on my face. I look to the right of me and I see my mom grasping the arm rests as tight as she can. I can see her closing her eyes muttering something, maybe a prayer, to herself.
To my left, I see my dad's head resting on his shoulder, as blood streams down his face. I feel tears dripping off my face. I see a few suitcases falling of the suitcase holders and I see one coming toward my face and everything goes black.
***
I try to shake off the thought as I get closer to the light. Before the light hits me I see a girl warming her hands against the fire.
I remember her face from the seat behind me. She seems about my age, 15.
I walk up to the warm fire and she looks frightened for a second and then calmed down. She waves me over and motions me to take a seat.
"Hi." she soon says.
"Hi," I say, "have you seen anyone yet?"
"Nope. They may be at the plane crash at the beach."
My parents may be there, I think to myself.
"Where is the plane?" I say sternly.
"Over there." She points to a little to my right.
"I am heading over there at dawn."
"I'm going to," she tells me, "I want to see my parents. What's your name?"
"Christina. Yours?"
"Natalie"
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I really like how you took the time to describe the plane crash in the beginning. I feel like you were really lacking on that in the first couple of chapters. It's an important thing really. I mean, it's the reason behind this whole story, yes? I'm glad we finally got some details about it. And I also like how fast and choppy the memory is, like she doesn't want to remember it again and just rushes through it.
She was just at the plan in the last chapter. I doubt that she forgot where it was already
You've got a lot of dialogue in this chapter. That's not always a bad thing of course! Sometimes it's really necessary to have dialogue. Here however, I think you could do a lot more. Your dialogue is nice, it really is. Christina has just met Natalie and she's trying to get to know her an get information out of her. Of course that'll consist of a lot of dialogue. But at the same time, think about what else is going on. What exactly does Natalie look like? Sure Christina recognizes her face, but there's so much more! What does her hair look like? Her eyes? Are her clothes ripped and torn? Give us some detail here
Another thing you can add in here is how Christina is feeling. I may have mentioned this in my review of the last chapter, but I can't really remember so I'm going to mention it again. Surely she's scared. I mean, she's just been in a plane crash, she doesn't know where she is, and her parents are missing--could possibly be dead. There's bound to be a lot going through her mind right now. Dig that stuff out. Really show us her feelings and how she's dealing with everything.
I am really enjoying this story. I see that it has a lot of potential and I really can't wait to get into the thick of things. I wonder what they're all going to find on this island? I feel like the time is coming soon when it'll all start moving a bit faster. Christina's life is not going to be perfect here on this island, I'm sure of it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi!
I haven't read previous chapters, but I'll review all chapters after this.
Nitpicks
Change calmed to calms. You just switched between tenses here.
Usually in writing, thoughts are showed in italics. So in this case you would italicize "My parents may be there". But then again, not all thoughts are in italics. It's mostly a choice, but italicsc are a great way to show a character's thinking.
It seems like there is an enter before "What's your name". You can just keep it on the same line as all the other words.
You need a period after Natalie.
Even though I haven't read the other chapters, I can kind of get a sense where this is going, and the plot line. It's very intriguing and interesting.
The only thing I would like to see in this chapter is a little emotion. Is she scared or this plane crashing, or frightened that her mother isn't getting her airbag on? It's a plane crash, for goodness sakes! She can't just be bored and monotonous. Add some feeling.
Other than that, I thought this was a great beginning (sort of. It's chapter 3. I guess I could call that a beginning).
Keep writing!
WillowPaw1~
I'm sorry, the italics isn't working for me.
I'm also sorry for not expressing the feeling of the person, you seemed pretty mad. Thanks for the review!
Bye!!
Oh, I wasn't mad.
Sorry if I sounded mad xP
Oh, it's fine! XD
Okay good
Hello there! I'm here for another review. I've been loving the past chapters. The storyline is really intriguing.
"Hi." she soon says."
The full stop before the quotation mark should be changed to a comma. I assume it was a typo.
"Hi," I return, "have you seen anyone yet?"
'Return' seems quite awkward in this sentence in my opinion. For most dialogues, a simple 'reply' or 'respond' is advisable. 'Return' is more towards the act of coming or going back to a place.
"Where is the plane?" I say seriously.
Instead of 'seriously', you can also use 'sternly'. I hope I'm not being too nitpicky here, but in my opinion, I find 'seriously' quite awkward.
"I'm going to," she tells me, (...)"
'too'. Was this a typo, perhaps?
Other than that, I'm enjoying this story so far. But I'd prefer the chapters to be longer, and the descriptions should go deeper into the story. However, when you described the plane crash, I could imagine how gruesome it was to see Christina's father with just a few words. Keep up the good work! I'd definitely love to see more.
I hope this review helps you.
-Lisa