My eyes suddenly open and I can feel the rays of the sun shining on my face. When I sit up I feel a pain in my back. I start to look around and see a bunch of trees around me. I stand up and start to panic. Where are my parents, I think to myself.
I start walking around and I here leaves and twigs crunching and snapping beneath my feet. I see something shining a few yards away from me and I jog over to it. The plane.
The plane is smoking and I start coughing. I soon have to cover my face with my jacket that I am wearing. I see some bags of food and water a few feet away from the plane and I grab it and walk away from the plane.
When I open the bag I see a few peanut bags and a box of crackers. There are 3 bottles of water that are warm. I start walking toward the beach that I see in the distance and wash the dirt off of my hands.
It is getting darker and colder. Luckily I have my jacket to wrap up in. I am getting hungry and I open my box of crackers. I eat three crackers and put the rest away. I start to close my eyes.
I am getting much colder and starting to shiver. I open my eyes, sit up and I see a light and smoke off in the distance. Someone's alive.
End of chapter
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi there! Lisa here. I've read your first chapter and I have to say that I love where you're going with the story. The cliffhanger at the end would make me so hyped up that I can't wait for the next one. >.<
I'd like to go ahead and point out some errors:
Where are my parents, I think to myself.
Here, it is advisable that you use "Where are my parents" in italics, because it's a thought that occurs in your mind, and it is not a descriptive statement for the scene. And it is best that you replace the comma (,) with a question mark (?) because you are asking yourself a question, and not just any ordinary statement.
I start walking around and I here leaves and twigs crunching and snapping beneath my feet.
It should be "hear" and not "here". Was this a typo perhaps? Sometimes I get confused as well, since they both have the same pronunciation, but when writing, make sure you double-check your spellings or have the grammar check tool turned on.
That's all I can say for this chapter. Although, I would much prefer the chapters to be longer and more descriptive because this story is excellent. Keep it up and keep posting more!
~Lisa
Hi there! I'm back for chapter 2 as I said I would be
Okay, so this chapter is just as short as the first one. I kind of hoped that you would've made this one a bit lengthier. It just doesn't seem long enough to be a chapter to me. But it is your novel so who am I to say, right? But real quick before I move on, do consider making your chapters a bit longer? Chapters are usually longer than what's posted here. And you can add so much into those chapters to fill 'em up
Whenever a character is thinking, the thought should be written in italics. That helps the reader distinguish between thoughts and the rest of the story. It'll end up looking like this: "Where are my parents? I think to myself". See how different that looks? And you can really tell that its a thought.
Also, thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue. You should start a new paragraph when someone new is thinking. Or in this case, when a thought pops into the character's head.
So in the time between the first chapter and this one, the plane has crashed. I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed that we didn't get to see what happened during the crash. That would've been a great scene to read. And Christina is asleep this whole time? I find that a bit unrealistic. I know that some people are really heavy sleepers, but I don't think anyone would be able to sleep through a plane crash. I'm sure she'd end up waking up sometime during the crash. Unless she got knocked unconscious during the crash. That would be easier to believe than saying she was asleep the whole time.
I think you did a good job with your descriptions here. I know what the island looks like. Well, I know that there are lots of trees. That's probably just what it looks like where Christina is now. We'll get a better view of the island when she gets a chance to explore. I also like the image of the plane. It's just a simple "the plane was smoking", but it created a powerful image. I like it.
Now back to the length of this chapter. Yeah, yeah I know I already mentioned that before. But I think it's worth mentioning again. Just like the previous chapter, there is so much left out that I'd love to see. Give us some more details! I know that Christina is freaking out 'cause she can't find her parents. Why not use that to your advantage? Have her wander around a bit, frantically calling out their names. You could also have her recalling the horrific crash and how she felt while it was going on. It's always nice to back track a bit in the story when there's a time jump, use some flashbacks to make the story really come together.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter so I can see who this person is. You really like to end with cliffhangers don't you??
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi! Thank you for the feed back. I will try to make the chapters longer and you will soon know what happened while the plane was crashing in the next chapter or two.
Thanks,
Jojoann1
Hi jojoann1! It's Em101cats here to review!
Wow, this series is marvelous! The suspense! Who could be alive? Is it her parents, or a friend or a stranger? I must know!
Can't wait for chapter three.
Anyways, I love the detail you've added to this. Some examples where the detail is amazing:
Thinking of adding that the bottles are warm is genius!
The idea about the jacket? Another genius idea. And the detail about the smoking plane? Great description details!
Keep up the fantastic writing!
~Em101cats~
This was really good, and really detailed. Especially for a new writer. Good job! I really like this series, it was a really good idea. I like how you are very descriptive, in your writing. I like that. I hope you keep on writing.
I didn't see many mistakes. For a new writer that's good. Besides if there are a few nitpicks, you are smart enough to point them out. Not trying to be rude, and saying that I can't do that, I am just saying that your really smart, and are probably good at pointing out you nitpicks.
I really like the last paragraph. It totally describes how she is feeling. It is really descriptive, I like that. You should make your books detailed, and descriptive, or at least try too.
I really like this. Talk to you later,
Love,
Dogsrule5
P.S. Keep up the good writing!