Chapter One
Kirstie
In the city of Caz in Akana, a small group had just departed from the top of a wood covered hill. A boy of about sixteen went the opposite direction, a knife in hand. The group was The Circle of Assassins, I was sure of it. They were threatening Sireblood’s whole plan, that wouldn’t do one bit.
The boy was being tested, if he did his first job correctly and wasn’t found, he would be welcomed into the group. The moon was high over the bay of the west side of Akana, the starry sky lit up the boy’s blonde hair as I followed him silently through the woods.
My cloak hung silently above my ankles, it was tied at the top with a brooch. The hood hung low over my face. The sword at my side felt like ice as I gripped it quietly in my hand. Since he was new, he was oblivious to everything. He wouldn’t notice me until I had stabbed him in his back.
As we crept out of the woods and into the lights of the city, I immediately knew who the victim was going to be tonight.
He was a old school professor who had retired, but now he was working on a project on how to mutate animals and creating lots of them by one click of a button. I got closer to him as he made his way to an apartment building about halfway into town. When I saw an alleyway up ahead, I knew what I was going to do.
The strap that held the black full face mask to my face, is cutting into my skin. I creep so I am about a foot behind the boy. We are about a yard away from the alleyway now, we are going right past it now.
I jump on the boy’s back, and he falls on his face, and we wrestle and roll our way into the alleyway. He flips onto his back underneath me, I punch him in the jaw, and put the long thin blade of my sword at his neck, he stops fighting me. His blue eyes are wide, and his blonde hair is glistening with sweat. His nose is bleeding, I think he might of broken it when he fell on his face. His jaw is already looking bruised.
I say without a hint of fatigue in my voice, “Any last words?”
“Take off your mask.”
“No. There’s a reason I have a mask on, I want to keep my identity a secret. Is that all?”
“Please take off your mask.” He was very stubborn.
“No! Now be serious. Is that all?”
“Almost. I know you’re a girl. I can track you down now, I know your voice. I know your moves. I can find you.”
“Who said I was going to let you go?” I was going to have to work on disguising my voice. I press the sword blade closer to his neck.
“I just know. I bet you’re as ugly as an ape underneath that mask of yours. Take of your mask.”
“You wanna bet?” I press the blade onto his neck, and I make sure it slices into his skin some. He grits his teeth.
“If I am going to die, I want to know what my killer looks like. Is that fair?”
“I guess, but after this you die.” I pull off my hood, and then pull up my mask to reveal my face. His eyes widen, and then I place my mask on my face again, and pull my hood down, “You happy?”
I sit on his chest and pin his arms under my knees. I raise my blade from his neck and aim. I was going to do this.
As I prepared myself for the kill, something inside me snapped. I lowered my sword and looked down at his face. I put my thumb on the pressure point at his neck, and before I pressed it I said calmly, “You can tell your friends you met The Crow.”
I pressed it hard, he gurgled and his hands fought underneath my knees. Then he passed out. I pulled him behind a garbage bin in the alleyway. I covered him in garbage that was scattered around the alley.
I walked calmly on to the street, and walked up to the front entrance of the apartment building. I walked around the building, and started scaling the brick building. I slowly made my way up to the window where I was sure Mr. Tank, the professor lived. The window was open, and I climbed up to it, and gripped the window sill. I used the tip of a dagger that I had in my pocket, to unscrew the screws.
I quietly take it off and hoist myself into the room. I set the screen on the ground, and check out my surroundings.
The room was dark, and it looks like I am in the living room. I can see the shapes of the couches, coffee table, and the TV among the room. I tiptoe my way across the room, careful not to bump into something. I work my way through the kitchen, to his bedroom.
His bedroom is small, but he doesn’t have a bed in it. The room is littered with crumpled up papers. There was just a big desk in the corner, in which I found Mr. Tank. His head was on the desk, and looked as if he were sleeping. I walked up behind him, and I saw his coffee mug in his hand. I took out a small vial of black liquid, and poured it into his coffee.
I looked at the plans of his project, and then smiled and walked towards the open door. I grabbed one of the papers on the ground, chucked it at his back, and jumped out the door. I heard the thump of it against his back, and the grunt of him waking up.
He started talking to himself, “I need to keep working…”, I heard the hollow slurping sound of him drink some of his coffee, and then a gurgling sound, and then nothing. I walked into the room.
His head was again upon the table, this time he wasn’t breathing. I lifted his head up, and took the plans out from underneath him. I respectfully put his head down again upon the table. I folded the blue print paper, and stuffed it into my cloak pocket. I took out a small folded paper, and put on the top of his head. The card said: From, The Crow.
I walked out of the room, and out the window. I scaled the building back down, when my feet touched the hard packed ground again, I ran out of the city, and into the darkness of the woods.
***
In the morning, I woke up from a deep sleep. I was snuggled up against the dirt wall of my room with my blanket at my feet.
I yawned rubbed my eyes, and sleepily sat up in bed. I stripped, and put on jeans, and a gray t-shirt. I put my chocolate brown hair up in a high pony.
I would have to cut my hair soon. It reached about the middle of my back, and was becoming hard to deal with. Last night when I had killed Mr. Tank, I had just braided my hair, and strapped it to my back, I hadn’t wanted someone to figure out I was a girl. Unfortunately, someone still found out.
I walk out of room, and flip a switch, lights light up the underground hallway. Sireblood put in the electrical appliances for me, when I joined the Slayers.
I walked down to the bathroom, and flipped the lights on in there. I dragged a comb through my hair, and put the electrical immediate hair straightener headband on. My hair straightens perfectly, not a hair out of place, but my hair is still loose. The headband is weird because no matter how much I move, it will always make my hairs go back into place.
I brush my teeth, and then head down to the kitchen.
It takes lots of twists and turns in my big house to get to the kitchen. When I get there I find, that yet again, Tyler had beat me to it.
Tyler has always been my friends especially through the hardest parts of my life. When I came to this island, he was with me, and he stuck with me the whole time. He was even there when I joined the Slayers.
He has black hair and green eyes, and we both have medium bronze skin, and he is the smartest person I know.
“Cereals on the counter, milks in the fridge. I’m watching the news.” He was staring intently at the twenty four inch TV that was on the island. I got the bowl, spoon, milk and cereal, and then sat down next to him. I poured the cereal and milk, and then started watching the TV with him.
“Was this you Keep?” My name is actually Kirstie.
The Tv showed a reporter at a crime scene in Akana. It was the apartment building from last night, “Yeah. Someone new from the Circle of Assassins was out to get him. I showed him my face.”
“Kee! Never do that again, it’s dangerous. Good thing you killed him.” He is aghast.
I put my guilty face on, “I didn’t kill him, I just made him pass out.”
“Kirstie Thompson! He could come after us now.”
“I hate my face.” I say glumly.
“It isn’t not your fault you’re beautiful.”
That’s the reason I joined the Slayers. The only way you can get in, is if your are extremely beautiful, strong, and want revenge on the world.
“I just wish I was normal. I mean, what’s it like being normal?” I raise my eyebrows up at him.
“I have absolutely no idea. Just face it, you will never be normal. Ever.” He looks back at the TV set.
The reporter is now talking to one of the police.
“What happened here last night, wasn’t violent. It was quick and easy. The Crow struck again.” the police officer said.
“How do you know about he or she being named The Crow?” the reporter asks.
“He or she left a token.” Here the policeman holds up a bag that has my card in it.
The policeman gives the bag to the reporter. The reporter peers closely at the card, “From, The Crow?”
“I guess so.” The policeman took the bag back.
“Thank you, now back to you John.” The screen cut to two men at a table. Tyler held up his hand with the remote, and clicked off the TV.
“You made quite a show last night, The Crow.” He smiles at me, with those white teeth of his.
I have finished my cereal now, and I slurp down the milk, “Wanna watch a movie in the theatre?”
“Sure. I get to choose!” He yells.
“Not this time!” We fight the rest of the way, until we are in the theatre in my house.v
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hello!
I thought I'd just pop in here for a quick review. There are lots of others who have already covered the stuff that I noticed, so it would be pretty repetitive. But, there is something that I noticed. You switch tense a lot, from present to past, sometimes in the same situation. For example, you say "I raise my blade from his neck and aim" which is present. However, in nearly the same sentence you say "I lowered my sword and looked down at his face" which is past. There's nothing wrong with these two sentences. In fact, all you need to do is proofread so you can make sure your tenses are consistent, because when you switch back and forth it gets a little confusing.
But, your story sounds good overall. Just as the other reviewers said, you should probably make this clearer that this is in the future, because to me it seems slightly medieval.
Also, your title is neat, and it sounds like it will make an interesting story.
"I fear oblivion."
i am thinking that you read or watched TFIOS because that was in there, and I bawled my eyes out so hard, and I don't think I have ever cried so hard in a movie. Now that I think about it, I don't ever really cry during sad movies. That was like a one time thing. Thank you for the review. I am trying to work on my tenses, and so thank you!
Hi there!
I figured I'd pop in to see what you're up to writing wise. I have to say, I'm really enjoying what you've got here
This part confused me. Mainly because of events that happened earlier in the chapter. This clearly indicates that the man is dead (and that's confirmed later in the next few lines). But from what I read in the beginning, it seemed like The Crow was trying to save the man. Here, I'll quote the part just so you can have a better idea.
This is when she's chasing after that boy in the beginning. Everything she's been saying/doing so far makes me think that she wants to save this man instead of wanting him dead. But when she gets to his apartment, she finds him dead and she's perfectly fine with it. See where I'm a bit confused here?
Also, I'm not totally sure how he died. Maybe make that a bit clearer? I think it was from poison, but poison doesn't usually kill that fast unless it's super strong.
So you've got a good start here. It's a nice first chapter full of action and intensity. I like how you just dive right into the action and start us off kind of in the middle of everything. There isn't much dilly dallying (is that how you spell that? xD) in the beginning. It's just *boom* story time. After reading several action novels, both on this site and in real life, I've determined that there are two ways to start off an action novel. One way is to do what you've done and just jump right into things. The other way is to start slow and dive into things all at once. Personally, I like the way you've done it better. I really like getting thrown right into the thick of things.
I'll save all my comments about character development and plot for later chapters. There isn't much I can say about it just yet because it's just the first chapter. Although I can see this is going to be a high octane and fast paced novel. I'll brace myself for later chapters
Please let me know when you post the next chapter! I really want to read more
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for the review! Yes the poison is very strong, so he dies pretty much as it goes down his throat. It is in the future so they can make things they haven't made before. They created this poison to be this way..... Thanks! ;D
Hello there, emmakate ^_^ Thanks for your review on my chapter, and I was really interested when you said you and I make similar stories, yet they are different. Just thought I'd drop by for a review!
First of all I noticed how you write in first person. You know I write in first person, so I have received some very critical reviews. I struggle the same problem-- the fact that almost every sentence starts or has the word 'I'. I'm sure you can fix it, and just like me, you will eventually learn a lot from these mistakes. It is very hard, I know, but once you reach a certain level, replacing the sentences with 'I' will be easy as pie.
Another thing is Kirstee. Her character is a bit childish-- how old is she? If I've missed it, my mistake, but I simply assume she's a young adult, because her childish behaviour somehow indicates she is extremely young of age (17 or 18 years old based on her behaviour).
Anyway, this is in a modern setting, am I right? There's a TV, reporters, news, they can watch movies, so why on earth must she wear a cloak and use a 'sword' to kill somebody? If it was a dagger, that was reasonable, but a sword? I understand if there was some sort of history with that sword, but I simply don't think it was realistic.
A story of assassins needs a lot of realism-- which equals to a lot of research. It would be much more plausible if she used a silenced gun, or a dagger at least, and she didn't wear a cloak. How, with that cloak shrouding her body (not to mention it was a long cloak), can she kick, jump and move freely? It is simply unreasonable.
" As I prepared myself for the kill, something inside me snapped. I lowered my sword and looked down at his face. I put my thumb on the pressure point at his neck, and before I pressed it I said calmly, “You can tell your friends you met The Crow.”
I pressed it hard, he gurgled and his hands fought underneath my knees. Then he passed out. I pulled him behind a garbage bin in the alleyway. I covered him in garbage that was scattered around the alley. "
The above indicates she is trained in some sort of martial arts. The truth is, when you press a pressure point on the neck, one does not gurgle in pain-- they immediately pass out. Well, this is simply according to the research I did on Marine Corps Martial Arts. If your research proves otherwise, then I apologize.
"That’s the reason I joined the Slayers. The only way you can get in, is if your are extremely beautiful, strong, and want revenge on the world. "
I just find that... not logical. Is everybody in the Slayers female? Or, you could explain the above in a different way, so it wouldn't sound plain ridiculous. Also some typos in there xD
" “How do you know about he or she being named The Crow?” the reporter asks.
“He or she left a token.” Here the policeman holds up a bag that has my card in it. "
When somebody is murdered, especially when the suspected is an assassin, people don't simply regard the person as 'a he or a she' because female assassins are rare-- they would simply assume the killer was a man. It's almost as though the authorities have caught a female assassin before, other than Kirstee. If that happened, only then it would be reasonable to add 'a he or a she' in their conversation.
"“Not this time!” We fight the rest of the way, until we are in the theatre in my house.v "
There's an extra 'v' at the back. Have you re-read your work aloud before posting it? This will definitely help you
A theatre in her house? This confuses me to a certain point-- sure her house is big, but it takes a mansion or something to hold a theatre. Maybe you should not use the word 'house'.
On to my favourite part of the chapter:
" “I hate my face.” I say glumly.
“It isn’t not your fault you’re beautiful.” "
It indicated some romance and made my heart flutter for some reason. That was such an amazing counterattack xD
I'm still a bit confused about the plot, but I get the idea she's eliminating people who interfere with this Sireblood guy. Your plot is a bit vague and too much mystery quite frustrates me xD
Anyway, keep the story realistic (if it were set in a medieval setting, I would understand) and work on Kirstee's realism-- her character doesn't sound realistic. It's quite childish.
You have a lot of work to do, but reading widely, doing research and increasing your vocabulary will help you improve a lot. Before I launched Carnation, I spent a year doing research on martial arts, pressure points, military weapons, the Marines, history of assassins, asking my family questions, re-editing my chapters over and over and over. It's a lot to do.
I hope I have helped you~ Sorry if I've offended you in any way, but the advice given by any critique is vital for the improvement of a certain person
~Brunnera
Thank you for the review. I wasn't offended, don't worry. I do agree about the cloak though, I will change that, but I needed something to hide her hair, face, and other female looks. The part where you mentioned the "he or she" thing though get's explained later on. It is in the future and assassins are both he or she. I have to fix the childish part though, since wasn't what I was going for in the story. Some of the other stuff get's mentioned later on, and that explains them. Thank you for the compliment on the "It's not your fault you are beautiful" part. I admit, I am quite proud of that ;D. Thank's again!!!
oh, if they are to be explained later on then that doesnt have a problem then xD youre welcome C:
Thank you!
Heyo emma, I'm going to launch into this review with a comment on the plausibility of your characters. Well, Kirstie is obviously an assassin however they way you've written her here doesn't seem very plausible. As an assassin, I don't think that she would so much time arguing with her victim over the fact of whether taking her mask off or not. A note on the part where she just suddenly stopped and decided to let the boy live. Now I have nothing against that, because everyone can change their minds due to a certain external or internal stimulus. However the thing, you can't just say 'something snapped' and she changed her mind. That's not being very specific or responsible with your readers, if you said something snapped then describe or show what snapped. I'm assuming is an internal stimulus at this time, if is something that made her stop taking someone's lives then it must be pretty big. Also, on how Kirstie said that 'you've met the crow.' If she was hired killer or something, I'd accepted that. Except she's an assassin, they don't usually reveal their identities to their victims or go about taking off masks and then proceeding to tell them you belong to what organization. That does not suit the meaning of assassin at all. On the note of the man, I find it somewhat ridiculous that she had to use the tip of a dagger to unscrew the screws (by the way, specify what type of screw it is because otherwise it just sounds really stupid.) If she was an assassin, I would have expected that she would have memorized the surroundings and the structure of the house itself relatively well, and also the window was opened? Serious flaw of logic. Also when she poured the vial of liquid into his mug, wouldn't he have woken up I mean. It is right in front of him and also, when she threw that paper ball at him. It didn't occur to him that it might be strange that a paper ball hit him from behind? Unless this Professor is mentally demented or half-dead, that's a serious flaw of logic, once again. When writing characters, especially assassins in which I assume you have no experiences with either research or look at well-written examples before writing one yourself. Because Kirstie to me, looks like a very very floppy killer.
I don't think I'm going to bother with the technical things such as grammar and spelling, because I really want to talk about the content of this chapter. The biggest problem I found with this chapter can basically be summed up in two points in which I will expand for you.
Point one: Balancing the telling and showing. Perhaps one of the most common rules in creative writing is balancing the telling and showing. When people say show don't tell, I don't believe that showing everything is the most effective way to writing. There are times when you have to tell the writers, just balance those two out and you'll be fine.
Where are you telling exactly:
Instead of saying it takes lots of twist and turns, describe those twists and turns.
Alright along the bathroom describe her surroundings, and instead of saying that her hair is perfect maybe describe things to us?
I'm not going to point out every single thing in this chapter but you get my point.
Point two: The plausibility of your plot and characters. I have already mentioned this before, but I guess I will comment on a bit more on the plot. So basically, you have Kirstie here who is out to eliminate people who is suppose to be destroying Sire's plan. And then later that night, she randomly kills a professor for no reason except to leave a card behind with the organizations's name on it. I find this once again, ridiculous. She is an assassin, not some random psychopath who just randomly walks the night and goes, 'oh yeah, I see that guy. Let's kill him!' Alright, you get me point. If she is an assassin, there she should be selecting her targets carefully with a motive in mind. Last of all, I know they're kids but they're still assassins I mean would they really just go and watch a movie after she had killed two people? Very unlikely. So while writing, also keep asking yourself if the actions affect the plot or not? If not, get rid of it. Do they make a point about the character or something that relates the character to the plot whether in the future or is happening now. If not, throw it out. Last of all, always always consider how plausible something seems to other people. Because readers don't know what the author know, always view your writing when you edit, from an objective POV.
That's all, keep on writing, never give up!
-S.s
You waste no time getting up and running, which is a point in your favour. Soon as you mentioned the word "Slayer" I started thinking of Buffy, which you ought to watch if you haven't already; you'd like it.
You've rather severe problems with your syntax, I'm afraid. Most of your sentences are constructed as, "I did this, then I did that"; and worse is that you often include the comma whether warranted or not. Naturally this grows repetitive to the point of aggression; my inner ear can only take so much pummeling. You can see the problem. There are two ways to learn grammar, as I see it: through osmosis or textbooks. I'd suggest the former, since you're likely to learn other tricks of writing besides. Read fiction, read widely, and you'll start to naturally feel the beats and lulls of your words, and understand instinctively where punctuation is required and where it's not.
I like the nickname "Kee." "Sireblood" is also very cool. "Caz" too. You're good with names.
Please -- refrain. I'm still recovering from the Fault in Our Stars trailer; I cannot withstand much more sap.
I'm curious why you've named this "Infinite Oblivion" -- for the number of syllables, or does it have actual relevance?
Fair winds and bloated seas, friendo.
Thank you for the feed back, sorry that it was so long... I understand the syntax part, I really DO need to work on that... I called Infinite Oblivion because it sounds cool, and because in the end something is going to happen to make it an oblivion. In the story I haven't yet gotten there. I also agree on the comma thing. And looky here there is already so many commas in this reply. Thanks!:D