z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Bloodbath

by Ventomology


Author's note: This is, of course, not my final draft. I'm hoping to improve this piece before I dive into the real bloodbath.

There it is. That’s the cornucopia—a giant, golden bell that looks like it had been detached from an equally humongous French Horn. There are tons of goodies inside, but it’d be impossible to pick one. Or get anywhere near it for that matter.

As I glance at the other tributes, my stomach growls. Urgh. And now they’re laughing at me! In order to cover up that embarrassing moment, I try visually sifting through the cornucopia’s gaping mouth. Some of the things seem useless, really. A foot-long rope? What is anyone supposed to do with that? And that Aladdin-looking lamp at the top of the pile looks too rusty to hold anything of value.

The clock keeps ticking; twenty seconds left until I probably die. How lovely that I should depart on an empty stomach. It’s almost not even worth trying for the cornucopia. Well, it would be if it weren’t for the gross-looking swamp environment. There’s so much humidity that the water vapor itself could probably render all the electronics of district three unusable. Not to mention that bogs lack tasty things to eat; if there’s food in the “horn of plenty”, I probably want some. Of course, there’s still the blood and death part...

There are five seconds left. Four… urgh, gotta make up my mind. To go, or not to go? That is the question.

A thundering, bass crash pulses under my feet, and not a moment later, the harsh sound of a gong fills my ears. Time to decide. I hurtle towards the cornucopia, willing to risk it all.

Of course, I’m not fast enough to get first pick. Blood spatters on my new tribute uniform from every direction, filling my nose with the scent of metal. Lovely smell if we’re talking computers, but oh-so-gross out here.

Even with all the braining nearby, I manage to clamber into the cornucopia’s mouth. Surprisingly enough, the floors aren’t slippery.

There isn’t much left. As my gaze darts between the remaining prizes and the other tributes, I try to pick the best of the lot. There is a Shih-Tzu puppy, which seems like an entirely useless thing to have—a white elephant gift, I suppose. The spare foot of rope I had spotted still lay on the ground nearby, and if I had to guess, it was probably from the puppy’s makeshift leash. A package labeled ‘invisibility cloak’ that is damp with something other than blood is also left here. There’s got to be a reason for that though, and the puppy’s fake, innocent stare makes me wonder if… eww. I shouldn’t think about that.

Lastly, and not really to my surprise, the lamp-thing is still here. The side is covered in blood, which covers any etchings that might provide clues to what's inside, but I pick it up anyways and flee as other tributes’ projectile weapons fly mere inches away from my body. I wonder if coming to the cornucopia was worth it; what if this lamp turns out as useless as a Shih-Tzu puppy? Or as gross as an invisibility cloak that had been peed on by said puppy?

Well, what’s done is done. I have to keep running, if only to stave off death a little longer.

Once I’ve worn myself out—believe me, running through mud is hard—I find a mostly dry log to sit on while I examine my prize. Made of unpolished brass, it is fairly malleable, and not good for hitting people. The lid is stuck, so I sniff the pipe opening to figure out what’s inside, and pungent spices tickle my nose. I’m not sure whether that’s yummy or disgusting.

The blood on the sides still bother me though, and even if they help camouflage the brass, it’s still the inhibiting factor between me and knowledge of what’s inside this lamp. With a corner of my uniform, I start wiping it off, completely unaware of the little, humanoid hologram that pops out of the lid.

“Hello,” says a distinctly feminine voice. I do not pay attention. “Hello? Excuse me, are you there?” I keep rubbing the lamp. “Alright, I really don’t want to do this, since it will bring other tributes to your location but-” the hologram cups her hands to her mouth and yells, "hello!"

Finally, I look up, confused by the sudden yelling. Where is the tribute who was yelling at me? Why aren’t I dead yet?

“Down here, please!”

I look down and immediately drop the lamp, holding in a scream. Why would anyone in their right mind put a hologram in an old-fashioned oil lamp? Beyond crazy, really.

“Now then, since I have alerted you to my existence, what is your wish? I can grant any wish relating to food, but only one. Then, my purpose as a food genie will be fulfilled.” I’m not sure how, but the blue-ish hologram has moved itself to project from the bloody side. There must be an accelerometer inside.

“May I ask for more wishes?” Of course that is the first thing out of my mouth. The more food, the better.

“No.”

I shrug. “Eh, didn’t expect I could. I don’t have to make the wish now, right?” There are so many great possibilities in my mind, like flooding a group of people with a river of curry, or setting traps to lure people in. Thinking about it just makes me giddy! Not to mention they all involve food that can still be eaten later. Probably.

The hologram nods. “Of course you may rain-check the wish. Good day then.”

I grin, watching as my food genie flickers away. This is going to be fun.


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271 Reviews


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:41 pm
Gravity wrote a review...



I couldn't find much wrong with this, honestly. I loved your character, this piece is funny and your character is so sarcastic. Even when your MC knows they are probably going to die, they crack a joke about dying on an empty stomach. It was very unique and extremely refreshing. Props to you on that note.

The only bad thing I can really say about this is your characterization. Is this tribute a boy or a girl? What do they look like? How tall are they? Do they have any advantages over the other tributes? You did a great job developing their personality, especially with the computer references, now I need to know appearance.

There are five seconds left. Four… urgh, gotta make up my mind. To go, or not to go? That is the question.

A thundering, bass crash pulses under my feet, and not a moment later, the harsh sound of a gong fills my ears. Time to decide. I hurtle towards the cornucopia, willing to risk it all.

Of course, I’m not fast enough to get first pick. Blood spatters on my new tribute uniform from every direction, filling my nose with the scent of metal. Lovely smell if we’re talking computers, but oh-so-gross out here.


This part was great. I loved your imagery and I loved the comparison of the metallic smell of blood to the smell of computers. I also love the tributes reaction. Its just great!

Other than the MC's appearance I didn't find any other flaws with this lovely piece of work. You did a great job and I can't wait to read more of your writing!

XOXO,
Gravity




Ventomology says...


Eh... yeah. Appearances are my weak point. I'll have to think about that in the future. Thanks for the review!



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Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:39 pm
birk wrote a review...



Hey Buggie!

This was a pretty interesting read, I enjoyed it a lot. I would have liked it a lot more if you upped the realism and toned down the humoristic elements. Aside from this, it's pretty good writing.

Despite being a fairly short piece, it is written well. Your grammar is good, the sentence and paragraph structure is nice, and the pacing is good, as you move the story along without getting stuck up, telling the reader about things that aren't that important. Most of the time.

It's all chaos, things should move quick. Good.

However, as I mentioned, I would enjoy this a lot more if it was portrayed more realistically and less humorous. I'm not too well-versed within my knowledge of the Hunger Games universe, but I do like that they bring some sort of realism into it. Your story could use more. I'll comment and bring up some examples of this soon.

Another thing I'd like more of is descriptions. I know this is a point of view, first person short story about what you would do in this situation, but I'd still like some information on your character. At least a gender.

In addition to this, you could also do with some more descriptions in general. There's a lot of things you just sort of skimp over and could explain more about. It's very hard to picture what is going on. And it's all chaos, which is hard to describe and imagine, but there is a lot more you could tell us other than 'Blood spatters on my new tribute uniform from every direction'.

Lastly, this could have ended a lot better. It doesn't really give a decisive idea of what you intend to do. It just sort of ends.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

As I glance at the other tributes, my stomach growls. Urgh. And now they’re laughing at me!
Okay, so this is one of the instances where I think you should tone down the humor a bit. They are laughing at her? This is a life or death situation, they are all about to enter a death arena. I think they'd be a bit nervous at this point. And how could they hear her stomach growling?

(I assume her, despite your name having 'dude' in it :D)

Edit
It’s almost not even worth it not even to try for the cornucopia.
Alternatively: 'It's almost not worth it to try going for the cornucopia.'

There’s so much humidity that the water vapor itself could probably render all the electronics of district three unusable.
This seems quite redundant, seeing as nobody is allowed to bring anything into the arena, no?

I do like how it's a swamp though. That would be a cool arena.

Edit
if there’s food in the “horn of plenty”, I'd probably want some.
Added a comma. This line looks a bit messy as well. When I write, I like to put my reference in a single quotation mark and put it in italics. As in; if there's food in the 'horn of plenty', I'd probably want some.

Lovely smell if we’re talking computers, but oh-so-gross out here.

Metal. Not such a lovely smell, no matter the occasion. ;)

Even with all the braining nearby,

I didn't think braining would qualify as a proper word. But it does, albeit being slang. It stood out to me right away though, I might substitute it with something else. Clobbering or bashing, perhaps?

a white elephant gift, I suppose.

Okay, this was pretty clever. I like it.

and the puppy’s fake, innocent stare makes me wonder if… eww. I shouldn’t think about that.
Again. One of the things I thought were too silly.

I feel she wouldn't have the time to think about all these things either, in the way she does. At the very least, she's thinking and wondering about all the wrong things at the moment.

And she didn't choose the invisibility cloak? That was the best thing! :D

“Alright, I really don’t want to do this, since it will bring other tributes to your location but, hello!”
I'd clear up this sentence. It gets unclear towards the end. I'd slam a period in there and then continued the dialogue to set up the fact that she is now yelling.

I’m not sure how, but the blue-ish hologram has moved itself to project from the bloody side.
This is also a bit hard to grasp. I guess there is something inside it which turns it upright whenever it's dropped, like she just did.

like flooding a group of people with a river of curry,

Alright, this was really funny. I hope this is what she would ultimately do.

This is going to be fun.

I do still think her mindframe is a bit off. She now has access to food, yes, but that won't do her that much in the long run. The odds are still stacked against her. I don't see the fun part.

Okay, that's pretty much all I could comment on. I like it.

I obviously know you had time constraints while writing this, as well as certain rules you had to follow. And your final product was pretty decent.

As for grammatical errors, it's not much I found. I kind of had to nitpick through this. It's mainly the story I could concentrate on, which does lack here and there. Of course, that's understandable seeing as to why you wrote this.

I'll keep an eye out for more works of yours.

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Ventomology says...


I'll fix some of those points you illustrated. Thanks a lot for the review!



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Tue Jun 03, 2014 4:51 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello! Happy Hunger Games. :)

since it will bring other tributes to your location, but, Hello!”


There should be no comma after "but". Also, lowercase the H in hello.

I suppose that was my only nitpick~ Now for my thoughts.

1. Yet another genie, I see. I like Pompadour's better, because her genie was sassy and made me envision her as a blue apparition with a typical black girl voice, but I also liked yours as well! At the very least, it was intelligent enough to be aware of where they were and what was happening, hence the mention of not wanting to attract unwanted attention.

2. I lovelovelove that you gave the arena some description! People keep forgetting how important that is. I like the idea of a swamp. *nods* I can definitely see that happening.

3. I don't like the minimal description of the bloodbath. Where are the details? You mentioned blood being shed and the smell of it, but there were no visuals. Call me a weirdo but I want to see the killing happen. Why, you ask? Because it's the reason why the first ten hours are called the bloodbath. People are killing each other over the Cornucopia's goods. You've got trained Careers killing little eleven-year-olds from the lower districts. This is fundamental and important, because it has a big impact on both the main character and the reader.

4. The humor! Oh, I loved that. It was a nice refresher from most Hunger Games fanfics, where they focus mainly on gore and romance. Although I love the gore, the romance can become a bit too much when it's done over and over. Plus people rush into it instead of building it up like Collins did... but I digress.

Overall, I found this to be a very well-written work! The humor was the best part, as I was laughing quite a lot throughout this. It was nicely described, with a smooth flow and mostly parallel to the Hunger Games world. I enjoyed reading it very much, so thank you for sharing. I hope my review helped.

~Iggy




Ventomology says...


Yeah... bloody stuff-not my thing. Hopefully there won't be a challenge on it. I will fix that nitpick, and probably check out Pomp's piece. I want to see this sassy genie.
Thanks a ton!




*surprised scream* Aaaaah, NaNo!
— spottedpebble