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by fight4whatisright


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286 Reviews


Points: 16319
Reviews: 286

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:01 am
AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

I must say, even though this is the first chapter I have read, I am already enthralled by your story. Even the very first paragraph is gripping, and immediately I wanted to continue reading. Your characterisation is excellent, as I can already discern between the two girls, Raven and Alexis, just by what you have provided in this chapter alone. That, I shall admit, is an extraordinary achievement.

I also find your plot highly entertaining. Had I read your novel from the beginning, I would obviously have understood many of the aspects better, but I nevertheless see in what direction it is heading. Furthermore, it is not easy to write a novel about vampires anymore, so to choose them as a subject (since they play an integral part in your story) and to write a successful story about them is a feat worthy of much praise, especially as this one seems to me to be very original.

I am wondering, are the characters werewolves? Please, do not be offended, I simply assume so because vampires and werewolves are normally (and I stress this) used in conjuction. Also, your use of the words "morph" and "Change" also suggest this, but I may be completely incorrect, which is why shall definitely take the time to follow your novel in future.

I am also fascinated by the abilities your characters have. Seeing visions is not at all a new concept, as people have been having visions for millennia, but sharing someone else's dream? That is truly something I cannot say I have ever before encountered.

There were a few minor errors in your text, but I shall quickly point them out. These errors may concern either grammar or style, but I shall focus on both.


I raised an eyebrow and her jab at me being younger.

I think this is merely a typo. Perhaps you meant at? It certainly reads better.

But, “You’re not listed as immediate family,” the office lady eyed us suspiciously.

I understand completely what you mean to say, but I think you could have phrased this sentence better. perhaps you should rather consider something resembling, "Instead, the lady said “You’re not listed as immediate family,” and eyed us suspiciously." It is but a suggestion.

If it was, then I would feel better knowing that there is laugher in our future.

No matter what kind of narrator you employ, whenever you write or tell a story, you must remember that the story has already happened, you are merely relaying it. This is why we use the past tense. We never write in the future tense (except for dialogue, but that is another matter entirely) and rarely in the present. When we do, it must be with very good reason, and it is a technique which I have only ever seen successfully used in a short story. is should therefore be was.


Those are the most prominent errors. I am not currently aware of any others, but I might have missed some, so try to read through your work often and rectify any errors you may find.

Your originality and skill has made it an absolute pleasure to read and review your work. Unto you, I say, "Bravo!" (Or, "Brava!" if that is more appropriate.)

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11 Reviews


Points: 1115
Reviews: 11

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Fri Jun 06, 2014 7:44 pm
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Lornthalas wrote a review...



First, let me start by saying that I have not read the other chapters in your book/novel. However, I did enjoy this one and I will entertain the idea of reading the other chapters!

I believe that there are only a few lines and/or phrases that I thought needed revising. First, near the beginning I thought that the phrase "if you know what I mean" could be removed to make the sentence flow better. I do not really know the characters, so if the phrase is perhaps something unique to the narrator's voice, then by all means keep the phrase the way it is.

Second, I feel that the sentence: "A sign warned us that the floor had been cleaned and may be slippery, but from the smell of vomit hardly masked by disinfectant, it hadn’t been cleaned very effectively" needs some attention. The sentence almost seems to run-on, but what struck me was the last phrase: "it hadn’t been cleaned very effectively." Perhaps if you changed it to something akin to: "we knew it hadn't been cleaned very effectively." Without some type of identifier back to the "us," the last phrase doesn't flow with the middle one.

Also, the phrase: "Some one’s" should instead just be "Someone's." It's just one word. Furthermore, the word "isle" should be "aisle." I actually just finished a book called "Centaur's Aisle" that dealt with such puns, but anyways that's not really important! The phrase "clear blue skies" should grammatically have a comma after the word "clear," as both "clear" and "blue" are adjectives for "skies." And, the word "skies" should probably be the singular "sky," but again if this book takes place in an alteration upon the Earth in which there exist multiple skies or some such notion then the word "skies" would be perfectly acceptable there.

I would recommend rereading your work to find any errors that I might've overlooked, but other than that I thought that the chapter was written very eloquently and very much like a professional book!

-Lornthalas





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