z

Young Writers Society


12+

Samuel Shaw

by Lonelymountain


WARNING: The below files are property of the Y.W.S.A alliance and US border defense bureau, including other confidential parties. Those viewing the documents will have an alliance security class 8 or above or will be immediately incarcerated until further questioning and will consequently undergo various memory erasing procedures deemed necessary.

General information

Name: Samuel Rickson Shaw

Date of birth: 9th May 1882

Date of admittance: April 2nd 2002

Qualified collector: Rachel Atmire (Power Grade 8)

Any other personnel: Robert Wilkins and Garry Hoffman (Accompanied for security reasons)

Ability information

Category of ability: Elemental, Specifically lighting or extreme electrical impulses

Power grade: Not yet clarified, suspected 9

Level of danger: High to Hazardous

Additional information: Notes courtesy of Rachel Atmire

On collection Samuel was incredibly resistant and understandably confused, he confirmed my suspicions of his exceptional powers when he fired a 70,000 volt impulse from his right hand toward myself and my accomplices. Luckily for us he had poor aim, unaware of his own powers he was left rather shaken and took a fair deal of compulsion on my behalf to control. For the safety of Samuel and those also staying on the premises he had been allocated a guardian and is unknowingly under constant surveillance.

Tuesday 9th April 2002

I've never actually written a dairy entry before and i'm not really into the whole "Dear diary" cliche, but I get the feeling this is important and people should know what's going on up here in Park City, the hidden government organisation disguised as a ski resort.

Dear outrageously expensive leather bound journal ,

It says in my induction booklet to avoid writing about my life before the alliance or my collection date, but then again it also tells me to reach out and make new friends by joining world history club so i'm going to do my own thing for now.

My collection date can only be described honestly, as day of self discovery. I'd walked back from school that day with my girlfriend Jessica she skipped besides me in the hot Simi valley sun sharing the woes and worries of a rich Californian beauty queen whilst i hung of every word she said and watched as her blonde waves bounced across her cheeks with each lively step.

"And then Micheal K told Tracy he liked her new hair cut and that they should go to Micheal H's party together on Friday and now all us girls are totally convinced they're going to be a couple. Oh and oh my god i just realized the four of us can double date for prom, we can used Tracy's dads Ferrari and since me and you are obviously going to be prom King and Queen we might a swell go with them since status really isn't an issue for us." I believe she said the whole paragraph on one exited breath.

"Please breath in between sentences you're going to pass out," i said holding my hand playfully over her lips.

"I'm sorry." She muffled under my palm, "I'm just happy , everything turned out so well for us didn't it, we have each other and prom and graduation coming up and my nationals pageant is in a few day, which remind me you are coming aren't you?"

"Yes, wouldn't miss it for the world." I said forcing myself to mimic her enthusiasm.

"Good because i wanted to talk color coordination for the after party...

I let her talk and enjoyed the gentle breeze in the constantly humid air, each house down this street desperately tried to out do it's neighbor in size or decorations and each swimming pool left only for decorative purposed despite the intense heat. I wanted nothing more than to jump into the pool sitting untouched in my back garden preferably with Jess, but then again you cant to Trig homework on a pool lounger.

"Sam are you listening." She grabbed my arm.

This jolted me back to reality and as this happened she too jolted back dramatically crying out in pain. She had reason to, i felt that familiar surge of energy push through the part of my arm she'd touched and instantly knew to fear the worst.

Not again

"Jesus Sam how to you do that, look at my hand. Look at it! It's bright red. Tyler warned me about this, you did it to his ankle in football practice didn't you. Oh god this is agony."

I looked at her slightly red hand, it probably stung and felt numb and tingly but i'd done worse to my brother when we were little.

"Look i'm sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you. Let me see."

"No, don't touch me. If this ruins my chances at Nationals you're dead Samuel Shaw." And with that she stormed off in the other direction.

"Your house is that way." I called after her.

"I'm going to Tracy's...Asshole."

A good boyfriend would have run after her but i didn't, I let her go. The sound of her sickly sweet pink and completely inappropriate for school high heels could be heard long after i'd let her walk off, the streets became lonely again and i was beginning to wish i hadn't.

...

Outside my house was a black Mercedes with blacked out windows and a mysterious number plate.

"Y W S A" I repeated it quietly to myself, i'd never seen the car before yet it seemed to be quite welcome in the spare parking space. This was the space i'd always assumed my car would go or even my brother charlies, if things had turned out differently.

I thought i'd enter the kitchen to find a can of Coke waiting for me in the fridge but instead there was something much less sweet.

My mum was sitting at the kitchen table next two the two largest men I had ever seen in my life, each at least seven foot tall with thick muscular physiques. One of them had a shiny bald, egg shaped head and dull pig like eyes whilst the other had applied way to much hair gel to his thin mousy hair and had two pink scars running across his left cheek. The most unnerving thing however was not their misuse of Vo5 but their fixed hostile positions, it was as though they had been left on pause.

"Mum who are they," I asked trying to not sound completely petrified.

"My name is Doctor Rachel Atmire, this is Robert and Garry. Please don't be put off by their rather unsettling appearances, they don't bite." Said a stern womanly voice.

Rachel Atmires tiny frame lead to her being hidden by the magnitude of her companions, she was small and mouse like yet had the presence of a giant. With great ease and confidence she shook my hand as if to welcome me into my own home.

"Okay well nice meeting you i'll be upstairs." I murmured dashing to the staircase glad i hadn't just blown her hand off...what? I'm impulsive when intimidated.

"I don't know about that Mr Shaw, i think we need a word." She rearranged the collar of her ink black jacket and indicated that i sat on the chair next to her.

I looked to my mother, she smiled as if to tell me everything was fine but the frown under her brunette fringe and the tense position of her fingers around her coffee mug told me otherwise.

"Samuel I am chief executive of the Y W S A alliance, and i'm here today because Y W S A stands for youngsters with special abilities, and believe this may apply to you." She paused.

I sort of went into auto-pilot after that, losing myself in a cloud of fear and confusion. How does she know? what happens now? It's not a special ability I just give mean electric shocks, right?

Suddenly a eighties rock song burst it's way though the speakers of the radio making myself and my mum jump,i pulled my hands through my hair in order to control them before I made any other appliances turn on.

"Sorry," i said pathetically over the noise, "it does that sometimes."

"With a little help from you I assume," said Rachel smugly folding her arms and watching me as a fiddled with the buttons on the speaker.

Rachel continued to talk for another ten minuets or so about the great facilities and secure environment for me practice my skills, it took me a while for me to realize she was asking me to move to another state halfway through the school year to live with a group of people I've never met.

"You must be able to see why there is no chance of me coming with you, don't you?"

"It's reasonable for you to want to resist but the alliance is the best place for you right now. You can learn to control and improve upon your abilities out of reach of those independent parties who wish to do you harm."

"Look i'm not interested in your sales pitches, mum tell her we're not interested."

"Sam," she looked at me with a thousand apologies in her wrinkled hazel eyes. "It's for the best."

Wait what? No, I wasn't hearing properly was I?

Yes I was.

"Look Samuel," said Rachel Atmire delicately, "we shouldn't have prolonged your collection date, thinking realistically, we should have taken you and Charlie at the same time,"

"Now stop!" I demanded. "You don't have charlie, he died, he's dead."

"No he's in Utah unless something tragic has happened in the last twelve hours, he's fine." Rachel smiled innocently, pretending she was unaware she had literally dropped an emotional atomic bomb into my skull.

I looked to my mum who had shame and sadness painted over her face like cheap makeup. "You told me was dead! You took me to his funeral, you made me go." whether I was shouting or screaming or whispering i don't know, but as I pointed the blame a sharp bolt bright energy skimmed past her face missing her entirely,thank god.

"Sammy I had to keep him safe," she pleaded with me and reasoned with herself, I could see the terror on her face as tiles peeled off the wall i'd just destroyed.

"Okay time to go." Rachel gave a subtle hand gesture towards the two giants.

Every emotion over the past twenty minuets had been boiling up inside me, I recognized the buzzing feeling in my chest and the pulse that shot down my arms and into my hands. The surge was too strong this time I was too angry and too powerful. My hand stretch out in front of me, I didn't think, I fired.

My hand looked as though it was on fire, white hot flames flew from my palm yet i felt nothing. It was like using a muscle i'd never used before and all my energy went into this one muscle. Around me was a fuzzy silence that stayed around even once the i'd relaxed, everything went slow and each breath was loud and prolonged I even fell the the floor slowly smacking the ground like a dead weight.

...

It was a sterile white light that peeled open my eyelids not an enthusiasm for the days events and from what a could recalled things seemed to be pretty bad. I opened my eyes to find myself in hospital room, still dressed in yesterdays clothes. The room was plane and simple and all the other beds where empty.

"You really did drain yourself out with that lighting bolt." Said a young man in his early twenties reclined on a chair at the end of my bed.

"You saw what happened?" I asked skeptically, trying to remember if i'd seen his face, he had long un-cared for brown hair and olive skin, he looked as though he'd lived in Cali his whole life but i'd never seen him before.

"No but I've seen the pictures, we all have. Impressive I must say."

I got out of the bed and let my head clear itself for a moment. "So Utah, it's not so bad." I looked out at the mountain range dusted with snow at the tips.

"Yeah this place doubles as a ski resort in the winter, Y W S A, youth winter sport alliance."

"Nice touch," I laughed.

"Yeah, one of the most secret organisations in America can be found easily online by people under eighteen and interested in winter sports. I'm Zac by the way, I mentor the newbies."

"Sam, nice to meet you. So, what happens now?"

"So what happens now is I take you to your room and you reunite with your brother then introduce yourself to the others over breakfast." He said cheerily walking to the door. "Come on, don't wast another second."

"So he's really here then," i sighed, realizing i should sound really very overjoyed. I slumped back down on the edge of the bed and stared into space.

"Look Sam," Zac said sympathetically, "This is very weird for you, no one expects you to be totally cool with this."

I pulled my fingers through my hair like I always do when I feel I've lost control and tried to make sense of everything, "It's been six years Zac, I was ten he was twelve. It wont be the same anymore."

"I don't know if this makes it any easier but he's scared to, Charlie was up all night worrying about today. What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he's angry? You know."

I rolled my eyes over to Zac, "How to you know he was up all night?"

He paused then said, "Boys sleepover. Anyway let's get going." And with that he leaped towards the door and I followed.

The corridors told me this place was old, everything was made of dark oak and the vintage green wallpaper suggested it had not been re decorated since it was built. Zac gave me facts i didn't really care about as we neared the room said to be mine and soon got the idea.

"Here you go, hope it goes well for the both of you." And with that he left me standing at a large wooden door. It was foreign and didn't feel a thing like mine but I went inside anyway.

I'd been trying to imagine Charlie as a man for years now without knowing I'd actually get to see him, after all this time i'd just managed to let go of a lot of pain and sadness so watching him as he stared out of the window re opened one too many wounds. He was certainly a man now, he was twenty in February. He had a tall lean figure and neat blonde hair, his clothes where surprisingly different to what I thought they would be but then again I knew him only as a scruffy twelve year old boy. He hadn't noticed I was there yet and I left it that way for quite some time, i let him wait, let him wonder what I looked like who I would be.

Still with my hand against the door stopping from closing and revealing my presence I finally spoke up , "You're taller than I remember."

Charlie spun round and rushed towards me , "Sammy." he remembered me, that's a good start.

Since I'm sharing everything here Journal I admit that I did cry when we first embraced, like a drunk baby if you wanted details.

"You are not ten anymore." He looked at me at arms length shaking his head.

"Did you know I thought you were dead?" I asked sounding harsher than I meant to.

"Look, don't blame mum. It's my fault I couldn't control my own abilities."

"I never noticed anything." I insisted, still sounding stern and feeling horrible for it.

"That's Rachel for you," he sighed, "Queen of compulsion."

"What can you do anyway?" I asked ignoring the mention of Rachel.

"I have elemental powers like you and Zac. Water to be more precise."

"Oh right, so what's Zacs then?"

"Fire." He said avoiding eye contact.

"Oh right, so you two are like fire and water, ying and yang, Beyonce and Jay-Z." I mocked him rasing one eyebrow.

"That's a conversation for another day, shall we go get breakfast?"

"Yeah okay."

I went to walk out of my new room in which I had taken no notice of, but something stopped me, "Charlie wait."

"What is it."

I watched him very intensely for a second, "It is you isn't it? Because...I was very sure for a very long time that you were very dead. If this is a sick joke or a way to get me to come here then, then...

"I'm here Sammy." He spoke but I couldn't look him in the eye. "Look at me, Look. I'm going to do everything to make up for the time we lost okay."

"Alright, anyway what's for breakfast?"


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1272 Reviews


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:33 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I quite liked the warning at the beginning of this. You managed to create a nice hook in a non-traditional way, which is quite impressive. However, a few things stood out for me.

The first one was the amount of run on sentences you use. A run on sentence is basically one where multiple ideas are sharing the same period. For example:

Luckily for us he had poor aim, unaware of his own powers he was left rather shaken and took a fair deal of compulsion on my behalf to control.


That sentence has a lot of ideas in it, and I'd break it up like so:

Luckily for us he had poor aim[color=red. U[/color]naware of his own powers, he was left rather shaken and took a fair deal of compulsion on my behalf to control.


Also, this sentence is particularly crowded. I've added periods already.

I'd walked back from school that day with my girlfriend Jessica. She skipped besides me in the hot Simi valley sun sharing the woes and worries of a rich Californian beauty queen, whilst i hung of every word she said and watched as her blonde waves bounced across her cheeks with each lively step.


Next up, the ages.

Your introduction of him involved saying he was born in the late 1800s, but admitted in early 2000. This would mean he'd basically be a very slow ager or immortal.

Even if that should be "1982", he's still twenty years old by the time he's collected. Most twenty year olds that I know do not speak like you have his girlfriend speak, and she sounds closer to sixteen, maybe even fourteen. Also, twenty year olds are often in college or university, while "walking home from school" and the fact he still lives with his parents without a car evokes high school.

In general, I find this to be a bit difficult to follow because of the grammar and logic issues. You're lacking capitalization, punctuation, and a good flow for the words. I do, however, really like the story and would devour this once everything was cleaned up. The grammar section of the Knowledge Base might be useful for you.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey




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Wed Jun 11, 2014 3:14 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



Wow, that was awesome :)

You had me hooked from the beginning, and didn't let me go until the very last word. It's an amazing story with a great plot, stellar word choice, and the perfect pace. Great job!

But still, I have some little nitpicks.

There are several places where an I was not capitalized. They were fewer and farther between by the last quarter, but towards the beginning there is one in nearly every other sentence. My guess is that you just forgot to hit the Shift key in the rush of typing :)

"Please breath in between sentences. You're going to pass out,"


This jolted me back to reality, and as this happened she too jolted back dramatically, crying out in pain. She had reason to; I felt that familiar surge of energy push through the part of my arm she'd touched and instantly knew to fear the worst.


A good boyfriend would have run after her, but i didn't; I let her go.


All of these are run-on sentences (or fused sentences, if you want to get technical :) ). I've fixed these three for you, but there are several more throughout your story.

As Hannah said, several of your sentences seem cramped. Proper punctuation would help that. :)

everything was made of dark oak and the vintage green wallpaper suggested it had not been re decorated since it was built.


watching him as he stared out of the window re opened one too many wounds.


Both of these "re" words are supposed to be one word. For instance,

watching him as he stared out of the window reopened one too many wounds.

Since I'm sharing everything here Journal I admit that I did cry when we first embraced, like a drunk baby if you wanted details.


Even though I love this sentence, the "Journal" part confuses me. Is he addressing the journal, or are you missing an "in this" right before journal? If he is addressing the journal, then add commas before and after the word "journal."

One last thing. :)

I went to walk out of my new room in which I had taken no notice of, but something stopped me,


This sentence confused until I realized that "in" was probably meant to be "of." Changing it will help with the clarity of the sentence.

Overall I really love the story. It's absolutely brilliant! I want to read more!

Please don't wipe my memory? I want to remember it ;)

~WallFlower




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Wed Jun 04, 2014 5:01 am
Hannah wrote a review...



haha, I wonder if the reason you don't have any reviews on this piece is because you said we'd all have to get memory wiped if we read any further!

One thing I have to say right away is that this piece does not read like a diary. Nobody actually quotes what other people say, or at least not with this much consistency and detail. I understand that you want to make it seem like these are actual materials in the file, but you can't have it both ways! Choose either the story voice + no file status OR the diary voice + file status. We can't believe the mixture!

Now, as for the material, one thing you really need to be careful of when you're writing is that you don't accidentally squish two sentences into one. When you finish a thought, put a period. Take a pause. Then start a new sentence.

Here are one example of a very squished up sentence! Note where there should be periods (or commas~)!

I'd walked back from school that day with my girlfriend Jessica. she skipped besides me in the hot Simi valley sun, sharing the woes and worries of a rich Californian beauty queen whilst i hung of every word she said and watched as her blonde waves bounced across her cheeks with each lively step.


You can even break this up into smaller sentences. Also, why does he spend so much time describing this image of her? It sounds like a description coming from YOU, the author, not the character. He would be more tender. Less scientific. He would describe what he likes about his girlfriend, what he treasures from that last view of her before getting taken away. He wouldn't have the presence of mind to say her hair was "blonde" or maybe think about her as a beauty queen??

Okay, as for the general story -- I would like to see more about the thought process and what makes the main character first, not trust the people in his kitchen. I mean, think about it... if your mom was sitting with people in suits, wouldn't you assume they were other adults she knew and respect them? I feel like building a more believable environment would help us, crazy as it sounds, believe more in the unnatural powers of the main character. Second, why after not trusting them, would he wake up in the new place with a lot less anxiety about the situation? I need to believe his reactions.

I need to believe them like I absolutely completely with an ACHING HEART and rejoicing mind the VERY honest reaction of the brother right at the end of this passage, where he asks "Is it really you? I was waiting so long". That was so honest. So right. So genuine and believable. Make all of the characters' actions this real so we can get into their world and enjoy the story you're creating. :)

I hope these thoughts and suggestions are helpful to you!
PM me or reply to the review if you have any questions/comments!
Good luck and keep writing.

Hannah





He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart