I felt like the last woman on Earth; barren as a hardened crop field, lonely as the star that shines from a thousand-million light-years away. I was always wandering lonely as a cloud, watching the severed heads of dandelions roll by like tumbleweed. Some of the thoughtless ones, with their whiteheads in the clouds, let their dreams slip away from a single enticing kiss from the wind.
There was no one else here, just the two of us who traced our footsteps along the curves of the road’s shoulder. Always moving towards a perpetual twilight that would never quite fade; a twilight that was a cool purple, like the colour of pale Forget-Me-Nots that looked like a breath of cool mint on a frosty morning. We could follow this road for hours and it was always the same—twilight was there, never gleaming, never fading, as constant as the zero written in the math textbook.
The only difference in the sky’s tide was the ebb and flow of the clouds that would creep in quickly and fade slowly, slowly, to the edges of the frame. They’d remain, hanging there for days—for as long as we followed this road, sometimes—and it was only until we got to what we figured was the end of the line that they would fade away; sometimes not completely, but just enough that the purple twilight looked like a stale hickey on the cloud’s lips.
From you it was always the same question: “Where are we going?”
I never had any reply because you were always more articulate than I was. These days, I lived by this philosophy: Coherence doesn’t matter; just smile like you meant it and they’ll fill in the blanks. These days there was no one to smile at, just wishy-washy shadows that flitted waveringly on the road banks. They stared at us as we passed—at your constancy and my consistency of pace. We sure were something to look at—the last woman on Earth. But no matter how many times we passed by, they’d always stop and look at us. I let my shoes crunch the purple Forget-Me-Knots beneath my tread, their purple petals faded from the road-side dust.
Lately the clouds had been growing tighter, darker with each passing day, knitting themselves together into a gristly swath. They weren’t strewn together along the edges any more, but instead obscured the lonesome amethyst sky more thickly, like a cough drop stuck in the throat. Today when you asked where we were going I could give you an answer. Today when you asked ... but the darkness kept even you quiet, kept even the wishy-washy shadows quiet as I passed them. I couldn’t tell anymore if your footsteps were tracing the soft shoulder, if you were stomping the Forget-Me-Knots and watching the gruesome dandelion heads roll by.
I was nearing the end of the road, but I already knew that today was my last day on earth. The sky was nearly dark, there was no twilight in sight—even you were gone. I was alone, completely alone. The last woman on earth for the last time.
A/N: experimental. Maybe I wanna send it someplace. Not sure quite yet.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey, Huda here.
First of all, the title of your story is very inviting.It actually triggers something in mind and the reader automatically opens your story as I just now did. I must say that the story is an unique idea and it becomes interesting as it winds itself to the end. You've described the whole scenario very nicely like:
' just the two of us who traced our footsteps along the curves of the road’s shoulder. Always moving towards a perpetual twilight that would never quite fade; a twilight that was a cool purple, like the color of pale Forget-Me-Nots that looked like a breath of cool mint on a frosty morning. We could follow this road for hours and it was always the same—twilight was there, never gleaming, never fading, as constant as the zero written in the math textbook.'
That is totally amazing. Your description is so powerful that the reader sketches the whole scene in his mind. Moreover, I must appreciate your choice of words. They are totally appropriate and they seem to enhance the beauty of the text. The most interesting part is the ending you've given to this story. It does put a strong impact on the reader's mind awakening his/her sad emotions. I really loved your story and I'll be eager to read your next ones.
Hey there!! Great story so far I can't wait to read the rest of it!!! That is if there will be a rest of it. I mean idk maybe you won't finish the story, I know I haven't ever finished one of mine, I'm not very good at ending them.
Any who, I think you should spice it up a bit, like WOW THERE IS ANOTHER WOMAN ON EARTH BESIDES ME!!! and like make it really cool and stuff, idk it's your story do with it as you wish. You're a really detailed writer and I really like that. I'm just starting a book myself, you should check it out!!
Well keep up the good writing!!
Hi there!
The 'sometimes' that I underlined here doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. Or at least not with the rest of the part enclosed in the dashes. It says that 'as long as we followed this road' which suggests that these clouds would be there always, as long as they -- us -- were walking the road. But then you throw in 'sometimes' which changes the whole idea. If the clouds are only there sometimes then they won't be there as long as we followed the road. It's either always or sometimes.
When I first saw the title, I was thinking that this would be a story about an apocalyptic situation where it is actually, the last possible day on Earth. But it turned out to be something much different, at least from my perspective. I found it to be a lovely story about an old woman walking with us (the readers) as she awaits her death.
I like the way you put us into the story alongside the woman. I'm not sure that it is in 2nd person POV. I don't think it is because the use of 'you' is gone by the end since 'you' seems to have died. But I found myself connecting to the story more that way; I felt like I was truly part of the story.
You have an awful lot of imagery in this piece. That's great because it's really needed. Nothing else is really going on here except that this woman is taking a nice stroll during her last day on Earth. You do a good job writing your imagery. It's quite detailed and I get a nice picture in my mind as I read it.
There are a few places though where the imagery is a bit -- awkward if you will.
I have no idea who the 'thoughtless ones' are. Are they the dandelions that had their heads chopped off? This sentence seems to be completely unrelated to the other sentences surrounding it.
I'm not all that sure about this comparison. Is a zero constant in a math textbook? It could be in one textbook, but not constant at all in another. I'd suggest picking something that is more constant in its own right. That would give a better image.
In this sentence, you start out by saying 'we' which is plural. Then you end it with saying 'the last woman' which is singular. You can't have it both ways. Either it is 'we' or it is her.
Just a little nitpick here: you spelled Forget-me-not wrong the last two times you mention the flower. The first time you spell it right, but the next two times you spelled it Forget-me-knot, which is not the correct spelling.
Speaking of the flowers, I like the connection you make to them. In the beginning, it's just a simple simile, not that big of a deal. But then they are mentioned two more times and it suddenly becomes more than just a simile; it's become a symbol. Or at least I think it has. I've always been terrible at analyzing symbols.
Overall this is a short and sweet story. Although it ends on a low note, it's still a nice piece. I get a sort of warm and fuzzy feeling while reading it. Maybe it's just the imagery; I don't know. I think that your similes and metaphors were a bit overused, but I don't think this story would work as well if you took some of them out. So keep them there and just ignore my complaints about them.
If you have any questions or anything feel free to PM me. I'm not sure how good of a job I actually did describing my points in this review.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**