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Young Writers Society


Language

Second Always Comes Last: Lone Post [null]

by Blackwood


[nullify]

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317 Reviews

Points: 20
Reviews: 317

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Sun May 25, 2014 7:27 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Ello. Here to review! Happy review day, by the way. Let's see if YWS can get that review goal.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
Why did he never tell this.

Is this a statement or a question?

insurance claim to fun sick daughters

1. Claim to fun or maybe fund
2. Since the treatment is the daughter's, you need an apostrophe.

Darany snatched the paper out of my hands before I get to wound up

1. The sentence is in past tense at first and then it switches to present tense halfway through
2. Too wound


Suspense! Hmm, what happens next and what did happen that he hoped Sir didn't see? Why did he have to lock the door when Darany went to get him food (surely his parents wouldn't attack him)? Now I have to read the next chapter.

Keep writing!

-lost




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39 Reviews

Points: 283
Reviews: 39

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Sun May 25, 2014 1:46 pm
Jared wrote a review...



Hello there. This is Jared with a review.

Nitpicks
Offending items will be enclosed in brackets (unless the whole entire quoted part is the offender), as will additions.

The way that his parents panicked- the way they yelled at him in words I didn’t understand; I don’t know if it was because I was a guest, or because it was simply... me.

This is oddly split up, and an overall awkward sentence. I don't think there should be a space between '...' and 'me', either.

I felt bad for intruding when his parents so obviously didn’t want me there, but Darany just tugged me along before slamming and locking the door to his room [after shoving me in].

Rephrase to: "...but Darany just tugged me along, shoving me into his room and slamming and locking the door to his room."


That clearly was not going to be possible for me.

Typo: [t] = [to]

He threw himself on his desk-chair and spins himself around, facing me in silence, tapping a pen against his bottom lip.

Tense change. You switch from past tense to present tense.

‘Sorry about that.’
“[You’re] parents don’t seem to like visitors.”

Two things. You should change from single quotes to double quotes for dialogue. It should all be uniform. [You're] should be [your].

They [are] renowned in the world of school orchestras, so he must be pretty damn good.

[are]

Praise and greater analysis
First of all, you change tenses several time throughout this chapter, which confuses the reader. But, you also paint an interesting story that someone can really get into. I didn't mind reading this too much, despite the errors and tense changes.

If you straighten the tenses out, the chapter will be much more concise and enjoyable. Overall, I think you did well. Next time, put more time into editing and keeping your tenses straight.

Keep on writing!





Bananas
— looseleaf