Young Writers Society

'Then something clicked into place that had been bugging me for days; the random things' - this should be a colon not a semi-colon.

'My mother; gutted like a fish, or her insides chewed away by maggots' - this should also be a colon.

'The hill levelled off and I could see where the road ended; with an intersection for a road' - Basically it's only a semi-colon if the clauses on either side could stand on their own as sentences.

'they grinning faces' - they should be their

'“Wait,” the vampire restraining me said. “Let’s have a little fun first.”' - the full stop before the second speech can be a comma because you haven't used any non-speech verbs. You do this a few times but you only have to take a new sentence if you mention something other than how the character is speaking.

'Oh thanks for ditching me.' - I'd put a comma after Oh

'He cried out and flung his arms around useless' - uselessly

'He stabbed him twice more in the chest,' - I'm not sure who 'He' is at this point.

Okay, nit-picks over. On to plot.
I haven't read the other chapters and it was a very odd experience reading something so far on with so much story behind it. It felt like one of those stories where the characters are constantly referring to some event that happened before the book started. It was a very intriguing plot, which helped, and I was able to build up a picture in my head of what was going on thanks to the detailed thoughts of your main character. The fight scene was fairly smooth but I think I just get bored reading fight scenes. Also, that chicken sounds hilarious.

Well done

Hi! Here for the first review!

"I… I see visions on the future.” I think you should use "of" instead of "on".

"I saw myself in third person" Take out the "in third person" part. It's really random and breaks the flow of the work. Seeing yourself already calls for a third person view.

"or her insides chewed away by maggots." The "or" is unneeded. The description of something should not have an either/or ideal. This should either add to the description or not be there at all.

"The latter seemed more likely;" As previously mentioned, this is most likely not needed.

As I keep reading, I notice some uncertainty in your character. I know it adds to the personality, but it's a bit much for the reader. Readers want a definite answer and not a bunch of 'either's and 'or' and 'maybe's. The character seems unreliable, which makes people wonder why they should bother reading something that might not be true.

I'm not saying your character should definitely have confidence, but just have them be sure in what they are saying. This is something they are retelling, so it shouldn't have details that are, for lack of a better word, wishy-washy. There should be a definite idea of what is going on.

Other than that. Great job!