“I am Cole Adams, There is a prophecy That I will rule the worl-”
“What! No there isn’t stop trying to make yourself sound awesome. Oh and I’m Sam Jenkins.”
“Fine then Sam there is a prophecy of a war between the gods of Olympus. Yes you heard me, the ancient greek gods of Olympus are real.”
“And we are their children. Cole is a son of Apollo, god of archery, music, poetry, healing, and the sun. And I am a son of Hermes, god of travellers, messengers , thieves and merchants.”
“And I’m Lara Waters. Daughter of Athena, goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. We were told to retell this story so that if this happens again you know what to do.
ΧΑπΤΕΡ I
“Hey, give it back!” said Cole in annoyance. He glared at his friend Sam, who was holding up his quiver and smiling mischievously. Cole’s expression was always good when Sam stole something.
Cole was a tall boy with long black hair and tanned skin. He was skinny with brown eyes . He had an awesome sense of humor and was the best archer in Graecia.
Sam on the other hand was a small, skinny boy with reddish brown hair and blue eyes. He was mischievous and had a funny outlook on life. He had elf like features, they were quite distinct on his pale skin. He was always stealing Cole’s possessions.
Which is what he was doing right now.
"Give me my quiver!" Cole yelled
"Gotta catch me first." replied Sam, as he ran away through the woods
Sam always felt better in the Aegean woods. Especially when he was running at top speed through the trees. And he loved it when Cole chased him into it, because he was faster and stealthier than him- traits he got from his father. Of course Cole was better at shooting than him- also a trait from his father. That levelled the scales a bit.
………………………….
Sam sat in his house - a hollowed out tree at the center of the Aegean woods, listening to the distant sound of Cole looking for him. “Where are you?! Give me my quiver!” Sam looked at the quiver on the table next to him and chuckled. He’d known Cole for all his life, but he still didn’t know where Sam lived. He was probably going to tell him soon, he knew a lot about Cole, so he should know some things about him.
…………………………….
Cole looked and looked for Sam, but he couldn’t find him anywhere. He searched trees, shrubs even vines, with no luck at all.
He was looking at a very big tree when suddenly something jumped on his back. “Oof!” said Cole as his face hit the ground.
“Ha ha ha Hee Hee Ho Hoo Ha Ha!” Sam laughed “That was great! I could hear you the whole time! Ha ha!”
“OK you win, Sam, that was pretty fun,” admitted Cole “but, eh, where are we exactly?”
ΧΑπΤΕΡ II
Lara was fighting for her life. She had used up all her magic and potions. She was fighting an enemy horde too large for anyone. Her stamina was almost depleted. She was about to land a killing blow on the leader of the orcs when an arrow struck her in the back of the head. GAME OVER!
“No! I’ll never get past that level.” She yelled
Lara threw the controller to the floor. “I’m not going to get past that horde in 5000 aeons.”
Then there was a knock at the door. “Come in.”
“Hey Lara.”
“Hi Cole”
Cole looked at the controller on the floor. “Gorgorath killed you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway, come with me,”
“OK, where are we going?”
“To Sam’s house.”
“Sam has a house!”
“You didn’t know?” Cole said
Lara shook her head.
“Come on, then”
They quickly ran out the door, and into the Aegean Woods.
“So where is this house?” asked Lara
"I don’t know exactly,” Cole replied. “Sam was very general when he told me. ‘In the Aegean woods’ was all he said
“Well, that’s mighty helpful.” Lara complained in an exasperated tone.
…….……………………………………
Sam waited in his house listening to the sound of Lara and Cole searching for him. Cole and lara stopped and stared right at him without knowing he was there. Sam had to supress a small chuckle. He picked up a small twig and threw it at Cole’s head “Hey!” Cole yelled as Sam dropped from his house “What took you guys so long?”
“Well, you weren't exactly specific when you told us where your house was.”
“Sure, Sure you two were probably just being slow.”
“we are not slow!” shouted Lara
“Yeah I’m not slow but Lara is”
Lara punched Cole hard in the arm. “Ouch I was just kidding!”
“You better be.” She replied as she kissed him on the cheek. {Cole and Lara had been going out for 7 months}
“You two make me sick,” said Sam “Could you go make out somewhere else?!” Cole and Lara glared at him. “So, anyway why do you live in a tree?” asked Lara. Sam smiled,
“That is a very good question, Lara, but it doesn't have a very good answer. I live in a tree because I can.”
“You’re so annoying sometimes,” said Lara, irritably.
“Don’t worry,” said Cole “You’ll never get a good answer out of Sam.”
ΧΑπΤΕΡ III
“Come on guys lets get insi-” A massive tremor suddenly shook the forest.
“what was that!?” shouted Sam
“it felt like a tremor!” replied Lara
A tree flew threw the air towards them. And a large bulky figure emerged.
“CYCLOPS!” screamed Sam
“GET DOWN!!” yelled Cole
“I can smell you demigods let me feast on your corpses!!!”
Cole Sam and Lara scrambled to their feet Cole grabbed his bow and felt his back for his quiver
“Cole shoot it!” shouted lara desperately
“I lost my quiver when we fell!”
Sam unsheathed his daggers. The blade of the daggers were shining silver with a black hilt that had strange markings on it that Sam could not understand. They were a gift from his father before he left him.
“Cole I could use some help here!”
Cole scanned the area for his quiver
“It has to be around here somewhere.”
“Cole getting a bit scared here.”commented sam “Hahaha you are all pathetic.” laughed the cyclops
“ Damn it.” yelled lara as she lunged at the cyclops’s head with her spear but was not tall enough to even get his stomach. “Cole, Your quiver is under his foot! Keep it distracted, Sam!”
“OK” Replied Sam.
He threw his dagger at the Cyclops chest and slashed at the other foot then he impaled his stomach with a well placed throw of his other dagger. The Cyclops roared in pain. Cole ran straight towards the Cyclops and rolled under his legs, grabbing for his quiver.
“Got it!” shouted Cole the cyclops turned and reached for him with a sloppy grab that cole swiftly evaded “Stay still so I can kill you petty demigod.” Not going to happen fatty boomba!” answered Cole as he leaped onto the cyclops arm he notched three arrows and shot the monster's eye with three perfect arrows straight into the pupil. The cyclops yelled with rage
“You blinded me you wretched godling you will boil in depths of tartarus!” the cyclops cursed.
“Once again not going to happen!” yelled Cole as he shoved an arrow down the cyclops’s open mouth and into his throat. The cyclops fell backwards flinging Cole off his arm. He twisted in mid-air turned the impact into a roll and came up standing.
“That, was awesome.” said sam with a tired smile.
“I reckon,” replied cole giving sam a high five “the cyclops was all roar and we were all like die.” commented cole grinning uncontrollably
“AWESOME!?” yelled Lara “Cyclopes are not supposed to come this far north. How could this have happened?” A voice behind them said
“That, my dear is an excellent question.”
ΧΑπΤΕΡ IV
Lara, Cole and sam spun around to the sight of a beautiful women clad in bronze battle armour with a white toga under it.
“Who are you?” asked Lara not having a clue who the woman was
“You always have been straight to the point haven't you Lara,” the women said with a warming smile. “How do you know me?”asked Lara
“Because I’m your mother.” the women said unnaturally calm.
“You are?” Lara said uncertainly.
“Yes child I am Athena, goddess of wisdom and battle strategy.”
“Whaaaat?” Said Cole and Sam in perfect unison”
“And your telling me this now?”Lara said angrily “When I’m 14 years old?”
“Please dear don't be mad, the fates forbade me to see you until now.”Athena said sadly.
“But aren’t you a goddess?” shouted Lara trying not to get annoyed
“Yes dear but even I can not disobey the Fates,”
“But Now I need to tell you something of great importance which could change the fate of the world,” continued Athena.
Then a brilliant flash of light erupted in front of them, they shielded their eyes with their arms. When the light died down a handsome man with stunning blonde hair was standing there he wore a bright yellow t shirt and blue jeans and had a smile as bright as the sun. Lara’s mouth fell open at the sight of him
“WOAH!” commented Lara
“Don't drool” said Cole.
“Hey son good job scoring this lady over here, she’s pretty hot,” said the man motioning to Lara
“Excuse me,” interrupted the women clearly displeased with what she just heard about her daughter and Cole
“Oh, ‘sup Athena,” laughed the man lighten up its just young love
“Hey, I’m forgetting Sam”
“What's up little man,” Apollo teased cheerfully trying to give sam a hi-five.
“Wait so my dad is the god of the sun, archery and all the other stuff and Lara’s mum is the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy. Wow we have awesome parents and it also makes lara the perfect girl I could wish for but what about sam?” as if on queue a figure running so fast all you see was a blur of his outline ran into the clearing.
“Sorry Im late,” said a man in a red shirt “messages to deliver to Artemis and all,”
Sam looked so awestruck that cole thought he was frozen. “Hermes?”
The god smiled “Yep, that’s me, and you seem to be the only one who recognised their parent.”
“Well it wasn't very easy for me my dad has the brightest hair I've ever seen and I have some some of the darkest hair on the island,” complained Cole “Thats right sonny doesn't make much sense does it,” joked Apollo “That is quite correct Apollo thank you for your observation now back to the point.” Athena said with annoyance. “Ares has staged a mutiny among the gods And the minor gods have joined his cause. Only Hecate, Zephyrus, Pan and Hestia are still loyal to Olympus.”
“What does that have to do with us?” Asked Sam
“Ares has planned to enslave all mortal beings to avoid disturbance with the mutany.” replied Apollo.
“We’ve got to warn the town!” exclaimed Lara
The townsmen have all been captured and nobody knows what Ares will do with them” said Hermes.
“We need to save them!” said Cole
“You need to focus on stopping Ares, son” said Apollo.
“And How do you propose we do that?” asked Sam.
ΧΑπΤΕΡ V
“I propose we lead an attack!” exclaimed Apollo.
Athen interrupted “Not until we figure out who our allies are first.”
“What if Ares already knows were planning things-”
“Guys!” leave it to us, we’ll figure it out...” Cole muttered.
“Son,” Apollo knelt down on one knee until he came face high with his son.
“This is a war between the Gods, Stars will fall out of the sky, Gods will turn on each other and I don’t want you in the middle of it.”
“So why did you come down to get us?”
There was a silence that seemed like forever…
Finally Lara softly pierced the silence.
“You came to say goodbye, didn’t you?” Tears were swelling around her dark wounded eyes as they trickled down her rosy cheeks.
Athena gently looked at her daughter and nodded.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Well, before I get to the actual story, I'm going to recommend breaking this up into smaller chapters. It's rather long, as is, and that makes it a little difficult for reviewers to keep track of everything, scrolling up and down to find things...
But I'm not complaining, and it makes it a little more challenging and fun!
Well, on we go!
Standard intro, 'end of the world' scenario, everybody survives because they're retelling it.
Okay, first piece of advice. The whole "prologue" (or whatever you wish to call the segment in which you introduce the three demigods) needs a little more description. Disembodied voices are only okay if they're the narrator. But as is, when Lara comes onto the scene, there's nothing but her saying "Hi! I'm here." to tell us that she's done anything. Give us a little more description.
Word of caution: dialogue tag order matters. If you're going to say "said (character)," and then vacillate between "said (character)" and "(character) said," it's going to break the reading flow.
That's a bit of tell that could be integrated a little better. Also, I feel like the descriptions should be in the same paragraph.
I noticed that you have trouble with dialogue tags throughout the piece. For example,
Less is more. You've given a tone already with "teased," so "cheerfully" is superfluous and distracts from the actual piece. Also, with
You drop all the dialogue tags. At some point, the reader's going to lose track of who was last speaking, and it can get annoying having to count lines to see who spoke first. Only drop one dialogue tag in a set if you're going to do that.
That should be enough to help you get started. Hope this helps!
thank you for the feed back that you have given me it is very helpful and i will try and put your advice to use in the future I understand what you have said about the first description being more tell then show i will under go editing with my friend as soon as possible. with the sentence (Apollo teased cheerfully)
I agree with you but my friend likes it as is so I will discuss it with him and we will make a decision off that basis I will fix up the conversation between Lara and cole and hopefully make it more understandably once again your feed back has been extremely help full and i hope you will continue to give me constructive criticism on my later works
Ooh, I sense that you are a Percy Jackson fan, yes? Well, anyway, welcome to YWS! To be honest, I saw you in the "Who's online" window and I thought, "valdez, that reminds me of Leo Valdez," and I almost said hi but didn't. If you need any help or just someone to review a work for you, please feel free to ask me! I mean it!
Okay, enough chatter. I'm here to review!
I like your concept of the story and how you wrote each chapter title in Greek. It is Greek, right? Cole reminds me of Percy and Lara of Annabeth. By any chance, did you base them off Percy and Annabeth? Just curious.
Anyway, I can't help but notice that you sometimes misplace some quotation marks, so I think you should edit them. Aside from that, there's really nothing else that I find wrong. I guess that's it! I enjoyed reading it!
I really feel like you're a Percy Jackson fan. You can bet that I'll be reading more of your works in the future. Till then, keep writing, and welcome to YWS!
Cheers,
GrapeNerd
you were right grape nerd me and my friend who wrote this are massive percy jackson and heroes of olympus fans and they inspired us to write this and to answer your question Cole is actually based of Me. Sam is based of my friend who is writing this book with me And Lara is based of one of our best friends im very glad you like it and will search for the mistakes your comment really helped and i cant wait for Liam (my friend writing it with me) and I to writing the story once again thank you for your feed back and comment (ps my username valdez was based of leo because he's by far the best character in any of the percy/heroes books )
oh my gods i was right! I totally agree, Leo is one of my favorites too, for some reason I ship him with Calypso..anyway, good job on your story and I can't wait to read the next addition!
what does I ship him with calypso mean
This is brilliant!
The first couple of sentences were really interesting and made me want to read more. These are really good first chapters to your story and i can't wait to read more. Keep us posted and happy writing!