Summer break is about to end in 2 days, but i can't stop thinking what new things are in store for me as i am going to become a high school student. As i was imagining,there was a knock at the door.The knock wasn't an ordinary one, it was a loud and energetic knock. Nonetheless i opened the door and to my surprise
"I'm back, Stella!"with a huge smile on his face while holding a luggage on his right.
Quickly i embraced him since its been a month since i last saw him.
Mom suddenly screamed "Food is ready guys."
The smell of bolognese spaghetti suddenly filtered the room and just like that time pasted and is now bed time.That night i dreamed that i saw a red string connecting me with someone i could not recognise.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayyyy...interesting point to start off on there...we've got ourselves someone being worried about going to high school for the first time, which definitely establishing a nice platform of sorts for what that person is going through but then adding that on top of a sudden knock on the door makes for a pretty neat start here.
Okay...looks like a happy reunion here although...uhh...its a tiny bit confusing as to who exactly just arrived here cause it looks like you haven't gone ahead and actually mentioned that here...soo...that's prolly something you need to try and include there, just to make sure we know exactly what all the cause for this joy is and who this person is that she seems to be so happy to see.
Okay...the screaming is a touch extreme, I feel like that word doesn't quite work with the context we have there. At any rate though, it ends on a pretty intriguing note there, which is definitely a nice touch. The transition there kind of makes the pacing a tiny bit rushed, but that aside we have a pretty mysterious ending there, which definitely works quite well for the start of a story here. Overall, this is a pretty decent little start here, seems like a story that I would read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I liked it, but I think you need to make it longer and add some more excitement to it. It sounds great except for these questions.
Who is the boy?
Did Sally only not recognize the boy in her dream?
Did Sally recognize him when he came to the door and said "I'm back Sally!"?
All these questions. You should really think about answering them in the book. I just don't understand why you didn't include excitement. The only excitement I saw was when the boy came to the door, which to me wasn't that thrilling.
I know I said this already, but you really need to make it longer.
Positive Remarks.
These things are positive.
Your grammar and spelling were great, alone with your punctuation.
Other than the things above the positive remarks, this was a good story.
I hope I helped
Love,
Dogsrule5
Hi there!
Okay, so Hannah took care of the characters and the vagueness of this story, so I'm going to focus on the grammar part of your writing. It'll definitely help you with any of your writing in the future.
First off, the word 'I' should always be capitalized. I'm sure you know that already. But sometimes when you're rushing through something and writing so fast, you get caught up in it and grammar is least important on your to do list.
Another grammar point I want to point out here is that the number 2 should be written out (this can be found in your first sentence). Here's a rule I was taught in school about numbers that has stuck with me ever since: if you can write out the number in one word, write it out. So since 2 can be written as two, it should be written as two. Other numbers that you should be written out include four, ten, even numbers like twenty-five ad thirty-seven. Since they have a hypheon (is that how you spell that?? -_-) in the middle it counts as one word.
Those are my only two points I have for you. Everything else I was going to say, Hannah pointed out already. Post a link to my wall when you add more of this story. I will gladly swing by and review it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, Felisca!
It feels like this piece isn't finished yet~ If you're wondering how to edit it to add more, on the right side of the page under your avatar and the "share this" buttons, there's a section titled tools where there's a button for you to go in and edit the story to add more.
Right now, there's not a lot to chew on! I like very very much the spaghetti dinner and the weird connection the read string connecting the main character to someone because it could have just been random, like, "I ate a pear and saw a pear-shaped thing", but the red string is not precisely what spaghetti looks like AND it has a meaning outside of just being a sting -- it's a commonly known symbol for destined love or something like that, so it wasn't too strange.
But I don't really know anything about what's going on. Who are these characters? Who came back with the loud and energetic knock? Who are the guys that Mom is screaming to? Are there other people in the family?
YOU know who all the characters are and how they are feeling, but your readers don't, so you have to explain a bit of what's going on to them. You don't have to say it like an explanation, but at least reveal the information so we know how characters are feeling when you want us to know how they are feeling!
I hope this review was helpful to you and I hope you write some more.
PM me or comment on the review if you have any questions!
Good luck and keep writing!