Young Writers Society

Heyo~
Here for the exchange.
So many reviews on such a small poem. It's hard to think of something original to say.

I'm going to point out the punctuation. Because you used for in the third line, the entire poem should be one sentence.
Grammar in a poetry review! I know it's horrible , but I bring it up because the punctuation causes the poem to be a little jerky. Another sentence (at least to me) separated the idea of the last line and the two lines above it. For a moment, I wasn't sure was 'these' spoke of. I'd suggest replacing the period with a comma or maybe throwing grammar rules completely out the window.

Everyone else has commented on the title, so I won't spend a long time on it, but of you do decide to rename it, I agree with fortis. Sometimes a title makes the poem a lot more profound if you get it just right.

I do disagree and agree with fortis on the length. Short poems are often make more of an impact than long ones because a lot of feels are packed into a few words while long poems done wrong can be rambly. However, you could do so many fun things to play around with music and sorrow if you had more syllables to lose. Basically, if you ever choose to rewrite this poem and change it into a longer one, let me know if you posted. Could be interesting ^_^

I hope I helped :s It's hard to find something to critique...
Keep poeting,
Megs~

Hey Pies! Happy Poetry Exchange (err is that a thing?)

First things first, I'm going to rant about the title. Firstly, a haiku is 5/7/5, and by my count, this poem is 5/6/5 (but that could be down to my accent). While this is almost a haiku, I really don't think you should be calling attention to it in the title.
Now, more on the title itself, or lack of. This poem has a title, but it doesn't have a ~*title*~. That bedazzly little name that makes the reader think 'I'd enjoy reading that.' I think you need a proper title, especially since this is so short. You can use the title to offer clarity into the poem, or even treat is as an extra line!

I like the first line, but I have a tiny problem with it. The word 'The' makes the poem completely impersonal. I would suggest adding a more personal word like 'my' or 'your', or you could add a bit of narrative with pronouns like 'his' or 'hers'. Just a though. ^_^

I don't have any problems with the last two lines that hasn't already been pointed out. But on a final note, I'd say you should considering adding more to this. Some say there's beauty in simplicity, I say there's less.

Hope this helps! ^_^ (and sorry about the length. I tried not to touch on anything that was already said)

Hi!
You might want to switch up the title. If it's not a haiku, you don't want to tell your readers, otherwise they'll criticize you for not having it in haiku format and wonder why you didn't just add the syllable.

You also might want to bold or italicize or mark the note you have above the poem in order to discern it from the piece.

This poem is very nice, though! It's very nice that it is not too open-ended and the reader does not need to ask questions to understand what is going on in the poem. It is also very clear and concise.

As for my critiques, I think @Hannah explained it all pretty well!

Hey Z,

Nice to see you're still at the grinding block. I'm glad to see a new poetic work come out of you. That being said, I feel like the language used in this poem leaves something wanting. It's a really great idea, I like the method you used to write it, but the language sounds a bit stilted. It's not the first two lines. Those sound fine because even though they're somewhat backwards, they leave you thinking and thinking is good. it's the last line that I feel could use the work.

First I'd like to point out that in a haiku, the syllable count is 5, 7, 5, while this is 5, 6, 4. I appreciate that this is not a haiku, and you're not trying to say that it is, but because you feel you're following the syllable count of a haiku, and it's a bit faulty in that respect, I'll point it out. It may be because of edits, or maybe just a word or ending dropped somewhere, but it's not as important as what I'd like to point out about the last line.

For me the reason this line pops out is because of "need" and with a poem that only has 10 words, every word has to be perfect. Only having "need" instead of "needs" is somewhat jarring. I like the duality of need in this poem, and also the duality of such. It is apparent that this such is referring to the deepest sorrows, but at the same time, it is possible to imagine that "such" is also talking about music, because music and sorrow both need silence to operate at their highest level. You could probably do just as well with "for that needs quiet" if you wanted to go with something a little softer, and less old language sounding, but whatever you choose, you need to make need match depending on how it sounds best. You may even want to consider going back to a synonym for sorrow so that the ambiguity is lost in the last line, or changing to "that", or "these".

Overall I think you've got a good poem here and if you keep such, you probably should add an s to needs. If you change such, it depends on what you change it to. "for these need quiet" or "for that needs quiet" or something else. It depends on the word you choose and how it works into the sentence.

I like this a lot. It's short, simple and nicely written. A nice take on a Haiku poem

My love.

I like the simple thought behind this. I like that the brevity of it evokes the quiet that it talks about -- that kind of poem that just leaves you hanging for a moment, feeling the breath caught in your chest, the silence that space brings.

The form, though, is a little bit rough. And since you didn't keep exactly to the haiku (which hey you don't need to, just call it a short poem and be done with it), maybe you can switch around the words to sound a bit more natural.

I was debating liking or disliking the inversion of the first sentence, but I think it works to set up the topic, the main thing we have to reminisce about, in the first line.

But then the one nitpick I have that I can't let go is the use of the word "such" to refer to "sorrows". I know you can say "such sorrows", but it sounds weird separated. Maybe "for those need quiet". Or you could choose "for these need quiet", if you'd like to bring a sense of narration. There are a bunch of different words you could choose instead, and each would have a slightly different flavor. I just don't like the stiltedness of "thus".

Hope this is helpful~

PM or comment if you have any questions about my review.
Good luck and keep writing!