Young Writers Society

Hey Fighta! Silver here again

Main Points

Dead ants.

Great opening line! A real eye-catcher!

Okay, so great way to end the piece, with the character's anxiety over their missing mum. I know that I would be freaking out too because it's basically my worst nightmare. Which leads me to another great thing that you did, which is making her lose her mum in a dream before waking up and finding out that she really has lost her. Imagine dreaming that someone you loved was gone only to wake up and find out that it's true? It's a great way to strike a chord with readers.
Your descriptions are one of the best attribute of the novel so far.I always feel like I can "see" everything that's happening and all of my surroundings. They're always so vivid and you always seem to include the details which are important for visualisation. So kudos to you So overall great job and looking forward to reading more! Keep it up and happy writing!!

Hai fight, Laure here again! So, this chapter was interesting and forced. I'm going to be terribly blunt here and mean, so slab on your honey shield and icing caps. Because it's the only thing that will save you. (I did the lower parts of this review on my tablet, so that's why is not quoted.)

Russell’s rusted four-wheel-drive was parked on the dirt driveway, the driver’s side door hanging wide open. It was a curious sight. I glanced around the deserted street.

It was a curious sight, why was it a curious sight? Why wasn't it a normal sight, what was curious about it, explain. May I ask exactly how the bolded part connects to the next paragraph? So, ok, is a curious sight, I'm curious now as to why is curious. But what has that got to do with Alexis glancing around a deserted street? It would have functioned fine without the extra sentence.

However, today the lack of any other noise gave me the chills. I looked around the street once more, then trudged up the driveway

This sentence is slightly awkward. The term 'any other noise' doesn't quite suite with what you're described above. I think: the lack of the usual orchestra of cicadas coupled with the absolute silence of the road, sent a shiver down my spine. I know I altered it a bit, but then it connects directly with what you said above.

Ok, I'm not going to point out any more instead I'm going to sum it up below.


Content, language and style: So, I'm starting the figure your strengths and weaknesses as a writer. You have a clear idea of the plot in your head, and you know where it is going. You are good at writing suspense and mystery, keeping the readers hooked. However, you still don't have a very good grasp on your language and the plot structure because you tend to gloss over the important this Nd refocuses on other things we already know. Or, you don't explain something enough and just jump straight to another thing. So that the readers get these little snippets of information and not the whole picture. This was especially clear with Alexis's dream, but I suppose because is a dream you can get off with not being very logical since dreams aren't meant to be logical. However, I still think you can develop some of the action more like Alexis's thoughts on encountering the wolf and perhaps a foreshadow on breaking the glass. Because one moment, Alexis was focusing On the wolf and then suddenly, she switches to the house and immediately assumes her mother is hurt. Why? The same thing with the transition between the night mare and her waking. One minute, it was explosion vibrating through her bones, and the next, cool breeze. There should some sort of transition between the two, even just saying she woke in a silent scream would have done the trick.

On your language: You are usually very good with your descriptions,However in this chapter they seemed a bit forceful. I don't know why, but it was almost like you didn't know what to do and you had to squeeze out the words. one example of this would be in Alexis's nightmare when the explosion happened. The whole thing was quite, I don't know just not right. The flames licked the air? I don't know if licked is the right word there, if you say lick, I get the image of tiny, cute baby flames flickering softly. And then there was the lively fire, which honestly was more than strange to more. Lively would imply that it was somewhat cheerful and ebullient, I think perhaps ruthless or raging might work better. So, word choices, watch out. Another example, 'yelling echoed through the house' alright. I get what you mean but it doesn't exactly make a great sentence. 'Shrill yells or shrill screams' echoed through the house might have made more sense.

Also, I noticed that you has made a very common mistakes amongst writers, even I do it a lot so I'm no position to judge you. And that is repeating unnecessarily words or writing things in a longer format than necessary which may or may not make your chapter overweighted.

One example, 'I was holding my breath' -> Now, I held my breath is more concise and maybe you could have added some of her internal emotions after as well. But if you wrote,'I was holding breath' and then continue to write on it would probably become a long-winded sentence. Which once again brings me to the point of making sure that your sentences are succinct but also expresses exactly what you want to express. And that means, choosing your words carefully and proof -reading it. But then, I guess this is only a first draft, so it doesn't matter as much.

Overall summary: I like where this is going, it seems interesting but I really want to see what happens with the wolf girl and the vampire, but I guess that will happen in the later chapters. And where is Dylan?! You have a pretty good grasp on your plot but your language needs work, and that is the syntax of the story, your word choices and how you are phrasing things. There are a lot of action in this chapter, however when I first read it it appeared as flat and dull to me. And this may or may not be due to your long sentences when describing the actions. There is nothing wrong with them when used correctly, but in here you tend to add in unnecessary words that make the sentence long-winded. So I suggest you shorten your sentences when it comes to action, as it is a common convention for writers to use or choose your words really carefully. You know your descriptions, because I know you can write well but once again you need to considerate the, carefully. With the characters, they are evolving quite nicely so keep that up. Oh, one more thing. I noticed you tend to favor ellipses instead of commas, please use commas. They are very annoying when not correctly used, and in this case, most of them weren't.

I apologize very sincerely for this horribly long and probably stupid review, I hope I have at least helped you somehow. Chapter seven....

-Laure

One more chapter to review! Let's get this one done first, at least.

Nitpicks

More nightmares. Yay for her. I have a feeling she is, excuse me for saying this, going furry. Her mother is protecting her from someone- vampire?- by marrying Russell. I wonder what Russell could do to protect Alexis. (I just laughed at that image) A Percy Jackson moment here- Percy's mom marrying Gabe to protect Percy from monsters as long as she can.

Assume she is going furry. Why isn't her twin going furry as well. But wait, what if she is? Maybe that is Isabelle' s secret (you can tell she is hiding something).

Alexis dreamt of the somewhat future! And found bleach, presumably for cleaning up blood. Keep writing,

-lost