z

Young Writers Society


12+

Power Surge- Chapter One of the Rift Series

by CyberScout


-THOMAS-

I just have to test out what they told us in Tech class today. It can't be true that plugging too many surge protectors into each other makes a power surge. I mean, they're supposed to make that NOT happen! Well, Mom and Dad are taking the truck to town for adate tonight, so I'll have some time to experiment. I know what I'll do! I'll take all the surge protectors in the house and plug them into one outlet, and hook the car battery up to it. I mean, what's the worst it could do? As I hooked the battery up, it exploded into a ball of white light.

-ELECTRIC SYSTEMS-

The massive amount of power going back into the system at once was too much for it to handle. The flow of electricity came back to the power plant, only to be amplified back and to four other houses, with so much power that everything plugged in there would become supercharged, and overloading anything already fully charged.

-STEVEN-

As the lights went out, so did the computer and TV. I sighed, "Well, that was four hours of progress for the project in tech class down the drain." I went to check the power breakers, and discovered they all looked fine. I'd better do something before mom wakes up. As I flip the switches back and forth rapidly, sparks fly from it, and almost stick together to form a white orb. Oh, what have I done?

-FELIX-

Ugh, how does my 7-year-old sister have a phone and I don't? Maybe if I make it look like an accident, I could ruin it and get away with it. As I carelessly dropped it into the pool, I laughed as sparks flew. What I didn't understand was why it was making such a bright light. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...

-CY-

I'm done with all this homework stuff. Maybe I can forget it for a few hours if I sign up for the new free MMORPG. As it loads up, the computer spazzes out. "Oh crap, did I forget a file?" I thought before the screen burst into a light so bright, yet oddly it didn't hurt my eyes. Mother walked in, probably to tell me there were chores to be done, and screamed when she saw the huge ball of light in front of me. "Stop." I said, hoping I could convince her to believe that I had bought some fancy new monitor. "I'm just playing a game." "Yes, you are." She mumbled as she walked away mindlessly. I smiled as I realized what I had done, knowing that I, for once, could tell other people what to do.

-STEVEN- (The next day at school)

So tired... I couldn't sleep last night thinking about the orb. What could it mean? As I yawned and propped my head up on the desk, I tried to focus on math. Picking up my pencil, I mindlessly scribbled down the next problem and gripped my pencil so hard it disintegrated. Figures. Wait, what? I thought as I felt a sudden pang of adrenalin, as if I had guzzled an entire energy drink. Maybe the orb has something to do with this, I thought as I grabbed another pencil from my bookbag, being careful to keep my grip light.

-FELIX-

How was I cursed to be this bad at sports? I wondered as I ducked under incoming dodgeball. I think I'll be the first kid to fail gym. I looked up and saw one of the jocks hurl a ball at me hard enough to knock out my teeth, coming straight for my head, too. FREEZE, the word just came to me, as if it would actually work. Time slowed to a halt, but I could move freely. I snatched the ball from the air and threw it back at the jock who threw it at me. It froze in midair. I decided to do the same to all the other bullies in that class. When I was done, I stood in the spot I was when I uttered freeze, the same look of shock om my face and said one more word. "Go." When time resumed, dodgeballs flew at the bullies and I smiled, knowing that I had a power I could use to great advantage in life.

-THOMAS-

I knew the Geography test would be this hard, good thing I brought this answer sheet. I'm going to get an A+!. Only one problem: the teacher is walking around the classroom, making sure nobody is goofing off. I'm going to be caught if I don't do something now. The best idea I had was to throw the answer sheet on the floor and hope it went unnoticed. As I did, the white orb appeared and swallowed the answer sheet before it hit the ground, then disappeared. The teacher strolled by, not noticing anything. I reached down and the orb appeared, I grabbed the paper from inside and continued the test. I aced it.

-CY- (After school, on the staircase)

They all come this way to get to their buses, the ones I had seen use powers today. They came one at a time, and I stopped them and told them to wait for the others. When they were all there I told them that I knew about their experiences with the white orb.

"Have you been stalking me?" Asked Steven.

"No," I said, "just observing to see if anyone else had strange powers." They all admitted what they could do, until Felix asked,

"Now you know what we can do, but what about you?"

"Well, I can tell you to take off your shoes and lick them." I said. Felix did as I told. The others laughed as Felix spat on the ground to get the foul taste out of his mouth.

-ETHAN-

I watched from the top of the stairs as they demonstrated their powers. I have to admit I was a bit jealous that I didn't get any powers when I saw the orb appear, but it figures. I never have anything special happen to me, except having abusive parents and the only things to keep you company are razors. As I walked by with my head down, thinking bitter thoughts, I didn't notice when the book Steven was absorbing backfired in his hand. I'll show those overprivileged idiots to be so much greater than me, even if it means someone dies...


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293 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:43 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Greetings. I am James Hunt, here to review your work.

I apologise if this may seem rude, but at first glance, your work does not seem very sophisticated. Allow me to elaborate.


-THOMAS-

This is the first matter that bothers me. Why do you so obviously indicate from which character's point of view the story will be told next, making everything appear so short that the length actually becomes disturbing, when describing what is happening in more detail and introducing the characters more subtly would have been infinitely better? Not only would the text have been fluent, but also professional.

I just have to test out what they told us in Tech class today.

I would put the have in italics to emphasise the word, and "test out" is an example of tautology. Would you say: "The car reversed backwards"?

It can't be true that plugging too many surge protectors into each other makes a power surge.

Makes should be causes, and why do you have hyperlinks in your text which lead back to this exact same page? It makes no sense.

As I flip the switches back and forth rapidly, sparks fly from it, and almost stick together to form a white orb.

Converge

"I'm just playing a game." "Yes, you are." She mumbled as she walked away mindlessly.

Your first two sentences belong in their own paragraphs, and the second requires a comma, not a full stop, as the text following the mother's direct speech is a further description of it.

I thought as I felt a sudden pang of adrenalin, as if I had guzzled an entire energy drink.

Is that even an actual word?


Of your five characters, only one is, in my opinion, decent. The others are cheating, manipulative, and definitely jealous. If you are therefore trying to depict Ethan as the antagonist, you are succeeding, but you are failing miserably if you want anyone other than Steven to be the "heroes".

Also, how does a power surge give people certain supernatural abilities? Wouldn't that mean that everyone who had ever been hit by lightning had also gained "superpowers" from their accident?

My opinion is that you haven't thought this idea through - writing a book is not as easy as typing a few paragraphs, you know. This is my opinion though, so it may be that I am completely mistaken; in fact, others could absolutely LOVE your work. Improve your writing, and I may share such sentiments. At the moment however, I am unconvinced.

Rating for this text: half a star (very poor)




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:50 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey CyberScout! Silver here to review for you! :)

Okay, so this was an interesting piece of work, it was a cool idea for you to use a power surge as a source of power, I thought that was quite unique. I'll go through the nitpicks now:

Main Points

I smiled as I realized what I had done, knowing that I, for once, could tell other people what to do.


I thought that it might be a little to fast for him to come this realisation. What if his mum was really tired and just agreed with him? I think it would have been better if you showed how different people that he talked to were suddenly obeying him. It would make a lot more sense.

Figures.


I thought this was a little odd to think.

How was I cursed to be this bad at sports?


This sounds a bit funny, maybe try "why" instead of "how"?

(After school, on the staircase)


Unless this is a script, you shouldn't need to tell the reader the location like this. It should be in your actual writing in the form of description.

So overall it was an interesting story. How every I felt that the constant change of point of view severely detracted form what could have been an awesome story. I couldn't properly identify with any of your characters, I still don't know anything about them, are they nice? Are they mean? What do they look like? Character development is an integral part of a story. If you stuck to one or two points of view and really talked about how they got their powers and their reaction I think I would have enjoyed this much more. I think that this has a lot of potential so well done! Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:01 am
LemisaLeaZeor wrote a review...



Wow, I can't wait to read what happens next!

(pros and cons)
As you keep changing to different characters many try and extend each part so we can have more of a chance to learn about each character, even though it was good how you introduced the character starting the same way by experiencing the power cut - if you get what I mean. I'm not good at explaining things that well.

Favourite part:

"How was I cursed to be this bad at sports? I wondered as I ducked under incoming dodgeball. I think I'll be the first kid to fail gym. I looked up and saw one of the jocks hurl a ball at me hard enough to knock out my teeth, coming straight for my head, too. FREEZE, the word just came to me, as if it would actually work. Time slowed to a halt, but I could move freely. I snatched the ball from the air and threw it back at the jock who threw it at me. It froze in midair. I decided to do the same to all the other bullies in that class. When I was done, I stood in the spot I was when I uttered freeze, the same look of shock om my face and said one more word. "Go." When time resumed, dodgeballs flew at the bullies and I smiled, knowing that I had a power I could use to great advantage in life."

I thoroughly enjoyed this part as I wished I could do that myself- who wouldn't?!
That's the things about this story is that you've included things that the reader would wish they could do themselves.

To be honest I wasn't that hooked into it, but the idea of the story itself kept me interested. It would be interesting to see how the story progresses through the next few chapters.

I hope this helped.

Good job and keep on writing

From LLZ :D





"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"