z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Imprinted Chapter 1+2

by dreamgurll


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Chapter 1~Ariel

"Ariel, Jake, and Jared Berkley! Wake up now or I am not going to drive you to school!" Daddy yells from the bottom of the stairwell.

I sigh and walk over to my bedroom door, open it and call down to him. "Daddy! I am almost done getting ready! You don't need to worry about me getting up. Jake and Jared are the problem, not me."

I looks down the hallway to see what was going on with them and exhales loudly before shutting my door, again. Why can't they just wake up on their own? I think to myself. Why don't they get alarm clocks for themselves, like I did?

If I had normal brothers, my life would be boring, wouldn't it? Isn't that what Mommy said? Normal people are so boring. Why would you want to be like them? I smile, thinking about her. The thought of her not being here for my senior year of high school and Jake and Jared's first day of high school is heartbreaking. Why does the world have to be so cruel and take the people who are so kind and heart warming? I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, just in case I had tear streaming down my face.

My mother was a great woman. She was strong, loving, caring, and just plain amazing. But when the twins were born, her health started to fail. I don't really remember this, because I was only three, at the time. But, later, we found out she had cancer. She always had it, but it didn't start showing until after she gave birth to Jared and Jake.

I use to hold her death against them, but I guess maturity made me see it differently. I saw how hurt they were about her death and I couldn't stay mad at them anymore

When I was eleven years old, I remember leaning over her lilac smelling sheets. She started coughing and heaving. I was crying and holding her hand. With her last breaths, she said to me, "Watch over the boys for me. Tell them I love them. And I will always love them and I will always love them." Then I watched as the life drained out of her eyes. I didn't stop cryin until after the funeral.

I still have nightmares about that night. My mind plays that scene over and over again. Those nights, I wake up screaming. Daddy is always there, comforting me. And I ask him the same question every time, "Why does Mommy look so black?" He never answers.

I was fixing my hair in the mirror, when Jake bursts into my room. I look at him, startled by the commotion that has filled my quiet, comfortable room. "Yes?"

"Dad is shaving, Jared is shitting, and I need to pee! Can I use your bathroom?"

I roll my eyes,"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. But, if you miss, clean it up. And if you need to fart or shit, open the window and Febreze in there. Thank you!"

He answers, sarcastically, "I always do!" And, with that, he rushed into my bathroom and slams the door behind him.

I roll my eyes for the second time in the morning. Jesus! Get a grip of yourself, Ariel, I thought. Don't be Miss. Attitude this early in the morning. Nobody likes that, and neither do you, so just stop right there. I giggle at the inner conflict with myself.

As I finish up my make up, I noticed I was missing the most important thing. My silver locket. The one my mother gave to me before she took a turn to the worse. I go over to my jewelry box and take it out. I hold it out and examine it. Will I ever figure out how to open it? Will I ever find out what is inside of it? I hope so. I really do.

I smile and put it on and check myself out in the mirror. Perfect! As if on queue, Jake emerged from the bathroom. I look him up and down. "What took you so long? Were you masturbating in there, or something?"

When he looks up at me, I could see the pain in his eyes. "Hey. Are you ok?" I asked him, concerned about him.

"Not really. I was just pissing out kidney stones. Very painful, let me just tell ya."

"Ouch. Sorry to hear that, bro. What you get them from?"

He smirks and leans against the door. "All of them Monsters. Jared warned me that if I drank too many, I would get them. But did I listen? Oh no! Jared never knows anything! Guess this proves me wrong."

I raise my eyebrow. "Well, at least now you know not to drink too many." I go over to him and flick him in the head.

"Oww!"

"Think before you act, next time. Now, get out of my room." I smile and point to the door, gesturing for him to leave.

"I guess that isn't an option? More of a demand?"

I throw my hairbrush at him "Get out, you overly-grown bug!"

"Fine, fine. Whatever. Not like I even like you, anyway."

"Shut up and get out!" I cluck my math textbook at him and growl. And with that, he finally leaves.

Grr! Total dweeb! I pick up my hairbrush and textbook. The book goes into my backpack. My brush goes on my dresser. I grab my backpack, my writing book, and my purse. I am ready for my first day back at school!

I go downstairs and see how hectic it is, "Shit."

I walk into the kitchen and see Jared. "Hey, butthead. What ya lookin' at?"

"The school layout. I am memorizing it."

"Well, you are doing your memorization on my cookbook that I need, so we can have dinner tonight."

He looks surprised and lifts up the papers, "Oh. Sorry." He blushes an pushes up his glasses.

I shake my head and grab the book. Hmm. What to make, what to make. Oh, I know! I slam the book closed and grabs the pack of frozen chicken out of the freeze. I hope everyone wants homemade Chinese food, because that is what we are having, if they liked it or not.

Jake walks into the kitchen and flops his bag on the counter, which made me glare at him until he finally moved it off and muttered a sorry under his breath.

Jared looks at him over his glasses and doesn't say anything. I look at him and smile. "Jared, you better get an all A average this year, like every other year. We are counting on your brains to make the family name be something awesome." I smirk and look at Jake, "Unlike Mr. I-am-so-lazy-that-I-make-sloths-look-energetic, over here."

"Hey! I am not THAT lazy!" I raise my eyebrow at him. "Well, at least I don't think I am."

I laugh at his uncertainty. I hear Jared join in. That's the sign that he is happy. Good. That's what I wanted. I smile at myself and finish up with my job.

I look around and walk out of the kitchen. "Daddy! We are ready! Where are you?" I walk into his room and look at him. "Daddy?"

I see him laying on his bed, with a picture of Mommy in his hands. Fuck. "Daddy, we are leaving now. I'll drive them to school for you. Bye."

I grab the keys off the dresser and tell the twins we are leaving. I grab my shit ad lock the door o the way out. Let's see how the day plays out, shall we?

Chapter 2~Gabriel

I climb up the stairs that led to the roof and sat there. The night's cold breeze, almost burning my face, bringing back all my memories, and with it, that horrible dullness that imbues all of my days. This is, I recall, how I spent most of my life. Surviving during the day, lost in regret at night.

The screams and the cries haunted my mind, and for hours all I could think of was about the fire that destroyed my future. I was young when it happened, the accident , I mean. So young that by now I've forgotten the outline of my parents' faces... and my sister. Now I only have a vague image of them, how they might have looked like before they were consumed by the flames.

I remember my family was planning to go somewhere, I do not know where, but they were all dressed up. My dad was wearing a nice stripped shirt, green or blue, perhaps. My mom and sister were both wearing dresses. I remember staring at my sister's dress for a long time, only because it had a pink belt with a bright yellow flower hanging at the mid-waist...

I remember being strapped in to the safety car seat for kids, all the car doors were opened and my parents kept coming, putting things into the car. My sister popped her head in and poked my nose, giggling.

A few minutes later, they all came and sat in the car, and Dad turned the engine, and we were heading to wherever we were going to go. We drove for a few minutes, and I stared out the window, watching as the clouds chased me. My sister was by my side, her head resting on the opposite window, sleeping. The next thing I remember was hearing several horns at once, getting louder, then all my body turning around and around, pain... and then silence.

When I opened my eyes again, I was being carried away. I turned around to face the upside down car and saw my mother's bloody face through the passenger window. "Gabriel!" I hear her cry out, tears streaming out of her eyes and mixing with the blood.

"Mommy!" I yelled at the top of my lungs and jerked away from the arms that were keeping me away from her. But they wouldn't let go.

Then I saw it. The explosion. The pieces of glass flying everywhere. The fire burning my entire family. The horrid sound of their sobbing and screaming. I should have been there with them, but the arms that held me only kept tightening.

Gabriel!

I still hear her voice, pleading me to save her.

Gabriel!

A sad, morning tone that rips my heart into pieces.

Gabriel!

I should have been there with them...

"Gabriel!" An ugly, grumpy voice brought me back to reality.

"Did I not tell you that this type of behavior had to stop?! It is almost two in the morning. I checked your room. Empty. If you come up here at this hour one more time, I'll make sure they put a damn lock on the door!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Herbert."

"Go to your room, now! Oh and you know your first day of school is tomorrow, right? Lack of sleep won't save you from that one. You better be ready for breakfast at six o'clock, sharp!"

"Yes, Ms. Herbert."

And that was it for the night, my dull reality slapped me in the face, like a bitch. I had totally forgotten that tomorrow would be my first day in a new hellhole. I had no idea what it was like, even though I'm on my senior year, and suppose to have everything figured out, by now. But honestly, I have nothing figured out.

I moved to this town near the end of summer and I barely have had the chance to go out and meet people. So far, I like this town. Well, I like it at night, when I can see the stars and get lost in them. Maybe people are nothing like this town. Maybe they have nothing to offer me. Yes, that's it. They have nothing to offer me but a sky full of stars.

I couldn't sleep very well at night. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was the fire explosion. Repeating in my mind, like a scratched CD. Burning slowly... Burning all....

Gabriel!

Mommy, I'm coming!

My alarm clock tore my dreams at 5:40. I wasn't sure if I should be glad or not. Even though I hate my dreams, I'd much rather dwell in them than live in this monotone reality.

I brush my teeth, put on the first t-shirt and jeans I found. I slid my arms inside of my favorite jacket and started to throw all the books inside of the backpack and look at myself in the mirror. Damn, what a face. I thought to myself. I look like I'm on drugs. I hope no one cares enough to ask why I look like shit.

I walk out to the kitchen and saw all the kids there. I didn't know all of them, only a few. They were always coming and going, so I made a promise to myself to not get too involved with any of them. I fake a smile and a few stare back at me, gesturing for me to sit with them.

The kitchen is always hectic. Everyone talking. yelling, laughing, and stuffing the food into their mouths like there is no tomorrow . The menu today was eggs and toast with milk. Same as yesterday, what a surprise! I half chew my food, half swallowed carelessly. Blocking all the annoying sounds away from me. I'm sure some of the kids were talking to me, but I only stared at them, with no reply. Chewing.

"I'm done," I say, as I start to stand up.

"Now sit your ass down. How many times do I have to tell you?" Ms. Herbert snapped at me.

I honestly couldn't stand this woman. I know she had a lot of responsibilities, taking care of the house and all the children. Correction, all the annoying children. But that should give her no right to be so bossy, as if she was actually our mother. If you want respect, you earn it.

I sat back again.

"I have finished my food. Permission to leave the table," I murmur as if I am reading a script line.

"Granted," she threw back at me, with an evil smirk across her fat face.

I stood up, grabbing my backpack and staring at the close. Six forty. Time to go. I saw a folded paper with my name written on it, laying on a table near the entrance. I picked it up and read.

Schedule

History: 7:00-7:50 (Room #43)

Science: 8:00-8:50 (Room #57)

Math: 9:00-9:50 (Room #5)

Computer Technology: 10:00-10:50 (Room #20)

Lunch: 11:00-11:50 (Lunch Room)

English: 12:00-12:50 (Room # 41)

Art: 1:00-1:50 (Room #36)

"Looks like you will have a hell of a time," Ms. Herbert said, from the corner of the kitchen. I could taste the irony of her words.

I opened the door and, as expected, saw the bus waiting for us. I walked towards it, some kids passed me by rushing to get their favorite seats. Most of the middle bus would always be crowded with the younger kids, and the back with the older kids, who claimed to be the "cool ones". I should be sitting with them, but instead I sat in the first row. I wasn't in the mood for their stupid conversations about how to hit on girls the first day of class.

"Not joining us today, Gabe?" I heard Allan yell from the back of the bus. The Mister-know-it-all of the house. But he actually doesn't know shit.

"No, thank you. Next time."

"Ahh. Such a sissy... What is it, now? You don't talk about girls?" He says, with a mocking tone.

"Maybe he's gay," Robert, Allan's right hand, added. They were all immature sons of... well, they weren't sons of anyone, at this point.

I show them my fantastic middle finger and put on my headphones. Pushing myself to ignore them, and the rest of the kids for the whole trip.


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Thu May 08, 2014 2:18 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi, dreamgurll! Here to review and hopefully be helpful.

First time through, I'm just going to react to what I'm reading as I go along! :)

The first thing I noticed was the relate-ability of the character was coming through right away. I don't know if everyone gets it, but I am definitely frustrated that people haven't learned to just wake up with their alarms, or expect me to do it for them. Haha, so that was good to make Ariel feel real, to show some of her relationship with her family.

But, then I read some lines that felt false to me.

Why does the world have to be so cruel and take the people who are so kind and heart warming? I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, just in case I had tear streaming down my face.


The first sentence feels strange, because I don't think people describe other people as heart-warming. We read heart-warming books and watch heart-warming movies. People can even do heart-warming things, but not actually be heart-warming. And in general it seemed too distant for a daughter talking about her mother.

For the second sentence, I can imagine the girl wiping her eyes, 'cause I think I've done so at sad thoughts w/o tears before, but not "just in case I had tears streaming down my face". I think she would know if she was crying, right? She's not that absent minded. It made me feel like she was less realistic. D;

I look him up and down. "What took you so long? Were you masturbating in there, or something?"


ahahaha. o_O I have no brothers, so I don't know if this is what brothers and sisters talk like with one another, but I feel like... they wouldn't?

Jake walks into the kitchen and flops his bag on the counter, which made me glare at him until he finally moved it off and muttered a sorry under his breath.


Oh, yep, here it is again! Be careful, because you are kind of switching between present and past tense throughout these chapters. Check through your writing carefully. Reading it aloud to yourself usually helps you catch things you might read too quickly if you're reading silently. (:



Okay, I've read all the way through the the end, and I just have a few more comments.

I appreciate that you are showing these two characters in their own environments before having them (I assume) meet at some point -- it shows the normal before the excitement kicks in, which makes the excitement more exciting, probably.

Buuut.... I feel like you could spend more time making their situations more clear and unique. Like, right now I have no idea what their houses really look like -- they could be living in the same place for all I know. I understand what, for example, the orphanage (?) caretaker acts like, but not what defines her physically.

That's the thing -- I want some more physical descriptions, but I don't want the full descriptions of like outfits. If you talk about too many things about a character, I don't remember any of it. If you give me ONE defining feature about the character, I will remember it and see them as physical and real.

Hope these suggestions are helpful for you!
PM me or leave a comment if you have any questions! (:
Good luck and keep writing!




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Tue May 06, 2014 1:00 am
Tiaradyson wrote a review...



CHAPTER 1:
FEEDBACK:
I know this is serious that her mother died and it's sad but this GEEKS ME:
"Why does Mommy look so black?" He never answers." I'm freaking laughing so hard!
okay so the dialogue is hilarious ! this reminds me of that show; Life With Boys on teennick.
It's a funny teen novel with emotions I can feel and man it's sad. You did really good. You're similes and metaphors were good enough for the readers to understand.

ERROR SECTION: This just seems so much organized lol
1.Common spelling error, you tend to add 's' at the end of words.
2."And I will always love them and I will always love them"

DISLIKES:
NONe, but it's so sad that dad can't hold it together while the girl was around. While he held the frame of his wife. It made me cry alittle like a little tear LOL

* I only read to chapter 2 and didn't finish so I will have to come back and comment; I'm tired as F reviewing lol Great story. Great job keep up the humor!




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Wed Apr 30, 2014 9:12 pm
ThatWriterGuy says...



I like this a lot!
It seems like this will turn out to be a very neat teen novel. i am so far intrigued!
Please continue so i can read chapter 3 please
Keep up the good work.





Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus