Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I look over at Josh and smile, I never thought he would've even thought about coming over in my crisis. I was texting him with slowly dragging my blade across my wrist, he face times me, and I set my phone on my bed and he saw my wrists. I quickly hung up the phone and ignored all of his messages. Ten minutes later my mom yelled up the stairs "Josh is here." I layed down acting like I was asleep. He layed beside me, grabbed my wrist and checked it out, he pulled out some gauze and wrapped it around my wrist. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. "I know your awake." Is the last thing I heard before I fell asleep.

He stirs as I crawl out of bed, the floor cold beneath my bare feet. I grab my phone and see I have a missed call from my boyfriend Tyler. I roll my eyes and drop the phone back on my desk. "Hey baby gurl." I jump when I hear Josh's voice behind me. I smile at him as I make my way back to my bed. I stub my toe and end up falling on the bed, I lay on top of him, my face burning as he smile at me. I start to push myself up as he whispers "what's the rush?" His eyes on my lips the entire time. My phone rings, I jump up and grab my phone, when I see it's Tyler I roll my eyes and ignore the call. "I'm going to get a shower." I say to Josh as I grab my clothes and towel.

Forgetting that Josh was in my room I walk in with only a towel wrapped tightly around my body. I search for a band aid to cover the cut I got while shaving my pale white legs. He walks up behind me, band aid in his hand, he puts his hand on my shoulder causing me to jump, I yelp a little, but then soon realize it's Josh. He sits me down on my bed, putting the band aid over my cut. I quickly pull on my clothes, and then see that my phone has been moved. "You read my messages!" I yell jumping on him, my brown wet hair dripping on his white tee. He rolls over and pins my arms down on the ground. "He's not right for you baby gurl." I blink, tears rolling down my face. I hear my door knob turn, and look over at it. "Tyler." The word gasping out of my mouth.

Okay, so since Willow's already covered the grammar nitpicks, we can focus on the story itself.

First off, you need to sloooow down. You are blowing by, from one thing to another, and it's much too fast. The pacing is too rapid, and everything is too short. We aren't getting enough details and imagery and sensory to absorb and adore and connect with. Slow down.

Okay, so she's cutting. Why? What's wrong? And honestly, who in the world cuts while texting or FaceTiming someone? You do need to make it clear whether she's texting Josh or FaceTiming him, so fix that.

Moving on, he shows up to check on her, which I get. Totally understandable. But then it turns out that she has a boyfriend? And all of the sudden, Josh has the hots for her? A little cliche, but understandable, yes.

Then she takes a shower?! With Josh in her room, sitting there, probably a bit flabbergasted, poor fellow. That part is where things get a bit weird and feel unrealistic. I'm pretty sure a) he wouldn't feel comfortable being in her room while she takes a random, out-of-the-blue shower, b) she's okay with him being in her room while she takes a random, out-of-the-blue shower, and c) her parents are okay with him being in her room while she takes a random, out-of-the-blue shower. Make that part a bit more realistic.

Then Josh starts looking through her phone, which I find realistic, yet very assertive of him. Who does he think he is?

The ending was rather... not good. I didn't like it. Tyler shows up randomly? And while Josh just happens to be pinning her down and calling her "baby gurl" which is what Tyler calls her? Feels like something out of a cheesy, three star movie. You can do better than that. If you're gonna have Tyler show up, then have him show up in a more unique and unpredictable way.

Overall, this needs a bit of cleaning up before it can reach its full potential. But it does have a lot of potential, you see. I have faith that you can take this and turn it into something more original and creative, versus something commonly seen. I hope you consider revising this and do let me know if you'd like me to take another look at it.

Hope that helps~ c:

Hello there!!

Nitpicks first...

. I was texting him with slowly dragging my blade across my wrist,

I start to push myself up as he whispers "what's the rush?"

he face times me,

Forgetting that Josh was in my room I walk in with only a towel wrapped tightly around my body.