Young Writers Society

Hi BiSF

Hmmm. Well I'm normally not a big fan of either repetition or rhyme schemes, but you did nicely with both of these.

I think the only thing I didn't like was the method of the repetition being about day or night and then the brink part comes out of nowhere for the sole purpose of rhyming with "drinks". I didn't like that. I felt like we had a nice pattern going here and it was ruined by that.

But other than that, this was really good. ^^ I liked the image you gave us, of a girl that's scary and personifies "if looks could kill" and so on. The imagery in this was simple and enjoyable; I do think it could have been expanded on, though. Like when you say "carving bloody knives with her eyes" -- describe to me her gaze. What's it like? How does she sharpen knives with her eyes? What does that even mean?

Overall, this was good. I enjoyed it and how simple yet awesome it was. I feel like the chick described in this is a total heartbreaker and not someone to mess with. xD Nicely written! Well done~

Hi!
Let me begin by saying that this is indeed very scary. But it's a good kind of poetic scary.
I love that you start this off with the line "One a killing spree" because it establishes the mood and gets the reader right into the middle of this action. But I also love that you followed it up with "In her mind." because it sort of takes that initial shock back to a calm state, until you realize that something is fundamentally wrong with this girl.
I like the repetition, although I think instead of two repeated lines, you should use three. (It creates a stronger mood and sort of gives off the impression of a manic speaker who can barely control his/herself.)
I'm not sure about the line "Carving bloody knives/with her eyes" because it sounds like this person is carving up the knives with her eyes. I think it should be written "Carving bloody eyes/With her knives" to make more sense.
My favorite lines are "Lacerated skin shells/Litter her hallway" and I don't think you should change those lines at all.
"Bodily juice/Taints her drinks" doesn't do what I think it's supposed to do for me. I get that it might just barely disgust me, but it should also make me taste the blood that the girl feels in her mouth. I think what's throwing me off there is the word "juice" because it doesn't go well with the lexicon of the whole poem.
Another note on the repetition: the three repetitions before "Happens in the brink" all have to do with time, but "brink" is more of a place. It doesn't exactly match and I'm not sure if you meant to do that, but I think you should change it. (Unless that is what you wanted to do, in that case, keep it.) But if you didn't, I would suggest changing it to something with a more solid sounding word at the end. I also think that by changing that, you'll get a much more complete sounding conclusion to the poem.
Overall, it's a great scary poem. I commend you for capturing that terror without being too gory.
Sincerely,
Dianne E.C.E.

that is kind of scarry

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