Young Writers Society

Hiya, Rawrafied here to represent team Royal Navy. I'm gonna go line by line an pick out things that catch my eye. :3

I feel like your first sentence would work better if split into two. That first fragment just seems like it would work best flying solo.

It was only a few hours ago that he was delivered the news, his older sister Jacabeth Kendrick was engaged and Rafael’s father was not happy about.

This comma should be a colon because it's a concluding thought. The second part is the news that's being delivered.

Neither was he of course, his sister was engaged to a man neither he nor his father knew about until those few hours ago.

These are two independent sentences. Split at the comma. Also, 'neither he nor his father' seemed unintentionally repetitive here. Would suggest rewording.

Now his father’s orders were clear, his approval was his father’s approval, if the man was clean he would approve of Jacabeth’s marriage.

Another instance to use a colon at the first comma. Also, split the sentence at the second comma. Then put a comma after 'clean' because it's a preposition of more than three words.

But underneath all his clothes, contained a military-grade Desert Eagle with a silencer silently he was hoping he won’t need to use it.

I'm assuming 'silently' is describing the type of 'hoping' he's doing. It's placement, right not, is making it appear ambiguous as it could also refer to the way the silencer is being contained (missuse of the word, if that's the case). Would suggest rewording to '...with a silencer he was silently hoping...'

Rafael could only recall only three times he had to actually kill anyone, the first time was when he was eleven years old; he had killed a rival mafia boss who had picked a fight with the most powerful man in Los Angles.

Again, colon instead of comma.

I'm gonna stop here. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day and fahrvergnugen!

Hey Dante! I've deleted that blank comment for you.

A few nitpicks:

But underneath all his clothes, contained a military-grade Desert Eagle with a silencer silently he was hoping he won’t need to use it.

Why the repetition? You don't need to state that he thought to himself silently, as thinking to oneself is often silent, unless spoken aloud. And I doubt Rafael is gonna declare "Hey, I hope I don't have to use my gun" in an airplane, so just stating that he thought ___ will work just fine.

That’s if, everything went as planned of course which usually did

Unnecessary comma is unnecessary.

Rafael sighed, of course they wanted to question him about something

Replace the comma with a semicolon.

Jacabeth sighed she knew exactly why he was here, Rafael kept looking around taking in everything.

Comma splice.

“Honestly, he says my approval is his, and seeing as he isn’t home right now. I was hoping to talk to you about him,” Rafael said.

Presuming that you're talking about the father in the beginning and then switching to talking about the fiance, you should make that more clearer so the reader isn't confused as to which he is which.

“On and off ever since I got to Collage, I got my class and homework done, granted I had a few all-nighters but nothing too bad.”

Run on sentence and comma splices galore. Also, it's spelt college* and it doesn't need to be capitalized.

Jack turned on Jacabeth, get in the kitchen and make me something to eat I’m hungry and get rid of this monkey suit, he doesn’t belong here.

So I assume there's supposed to be quotation marks here?


Okay. First off, the grammar is way off. You've got a lot of comma splices and sentences that lack a comma or a transitional word or something to help the flow go smoother. A lot of this felt rushed and rapid. I suggest you reread this and tweak it so the flow is less choppy.

Second, you have a tendency to capitalize random words. Son, Daughter, Collage, etc. None of those should be capitalized, so go through and figure out what should or shouldn't be capitalized.

But other than that, this is off to a good start. A nice plot that was laid out nicely, with the brother going to Chicago to get his sister, but is interrupted by police. He takes care of them and leaves, but of course they're gonna be suspicious so they try to issue a warrant, although I'm not to skippy on that part, as they can't just bug the house or get a warrant without any evidence and just some suspicion. Be sure you're being careful and making this realistic.

Overall, this is off to a good start. I like that the fiance/jerk is out of the picture, as he was a jerk. I do think you should change his name, since Jacabeth and Jack are too much alike. But this is off to a good start and I look forward to seeing how this continues. ^^