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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

According To...Chapter 2: MaS Attack (Simmer)

by Niraco


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Air was frighteningly filling up my lungs as I stood facing the cage. A level three MaS? What was my brother thinking? I asked myself.

I tried to look for him among the faces looking down at me. He wasn’t there. A lump formed itself in my throat. I stopped myself from crying by biting the inside of my cheek.

The headmaster was on stage and she started her speech. I never heard a word. My eyes were fixed on the ghastly monster in front of me as it wailed in its prison. A massive pile of mould is what it looked like, with pieces of it falling on the ground.

The crowd burst into roars of cheering when the headmaster finished. Petrified, I looked up into the crowd to find a face I recognised. Shimmering gold immediately grabbed my eye and I felt at ease. Just seeing Sonny’s warm smiling beaming down at me with hope and encouragement was enough to make me ten times braver.

I let out a steady breath trying to calm myself. I signalled to the person beside the gate and he began to undo the lock. This gave me enough time to wake up my According.

In a hushed voice I called out my Accordings name. On command my lucky tennis ball – which was clutched in my hand – disappeared then reappeared out of thin air as a two handed flail. Tightly, I clutched it and waited for the MaS to move.

It wasted no time and spring from captivity leaving a trail of slime behind it. My mouth opened to scream but no sound appeared. Fear struck me and I was left paralyzed. Closer and closer it loomed as my body ignored all my signals to run.

“Simmer, move!” yelled a familiar voice.

My body started to react and just before the MaS could devour me, I ran out of its attack path.

After dodging many more of it’s attacks I found myself facing it's back. I cursed my big brother. I cursed every curse word I could think of. Even the words grown-ups never said.

I brought up my flail and swung at what I perceived to be the head of the MaS. Chunks of slime and mould flew from it and landed on both the floor and myself. A groan of disgust came from the crowd.

However, this delayed the reaction time of the MaS, it still was alive and ready to attack me.

Yelpping like a little puppy, I staggered back as the MaS produced claws from its mould and slashed my arm. Trickles of blood made their way down towards my elbow. The pain was unreal and made my eyes mist. I blinked a few times trying to clear my vision. When I finally could see clearly the MaS was one step in front of me. I held up my flail and prepared myself to swing down. The spiked ball missed.

The crowd was deathly silent. No one dared move, breath or even tear their eyes away.

Slowly the slime produced by the MaS latched it's self onto my legs. My head hit the floor hard. Dizziness clouded my thoughts as the smile moved towards my hips. Breathing became harder as I tried to kick my legs free. The MaS had total control of my lower body as the smile attempted to devour me.

Pure fear covered my being. Tears rushed from my eyes and down my cheeks. I wanted to call out for my big brother. Where was he? I thought, looking around the room in a panic.

“I…I…” I wailed. “Forfeit!”

To this the headmaster intervened and stopped the MaS with one clean swipe of her golden poleaxe. Black and green mould spilled all over her shoes. At the time I didn’t care. All I was able to do was violently sob and stay on the floor, the slime staining me.

The schools medical staff picked me up and carried me into the infirmary. They stitched up my wound and pounded me with medicine to stop the pain. All through this I wept. I was scared; the horrific image of that MaS haunted my mind.

As soon as I forfeited the match my According went back into its dormant form. It sat beside me on the bed. The nurses were gone and I was left alone. I looked at the ball and my eyes watered again.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered, grabbing the ball and putting it in my trouser pocket.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door and I rubbed my eyes.

“Yeah?” I said my voice breaking.

A senior boy with jet black hair and dull grey eyes peeked his head around the door.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

I ran up to him and grabbed him into a hug while burying my head in his shirt. He smelled like home. It made me weep even more.

“I’m sorry Cinder, I really tried,” I sobbed.

I heard him smile as he patted my head. “I should be the one saying sorry Simmer,” his voice sounded shaky. “What would mother and father say if they knew about this. God, even Nick is furious with me.”

“Nick is mad?” I asked, peeking my head up a little.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling at me. “So is Allana. Then again she’s always mad at me.”

I smiled and let go of my brother. He smiled back at me then pulled me into a deep hug.

“I thought you could beat it, I’m so sorry sis. I shouldn’t have put you in so much danger.”

He held me at arm’s length and looked at my upper arm. His face was filled with shame and remorse.

“Cinder, it’s cool,” I grinned through watery eyes. “Everyone knows the risks.”

“But still, I should have-”

“I know,” I interrupted. “Now let’s just go home, please?”

We held each other’s hand as we walked into the waiting room. Sonny raced over to me and showered me with praise. Allana sat on a chair staring at Cinder and shaking her head. Her face was red with rage and she couldn’t help but march over to Cinder.

“A level three? Really Kaibun! Are you a freakin’ moron!” she yelled. “She’s eleven. Eleven! Hardly any eighteen year olds can fight a level three, what makes you think an eleven year old can!” In a blind fury Allana pulled back her hand. The fist stopped just inches from his nose.

A large hair-knuckled hand gently grabbed Allana’s hand from behind. She turned around and looked up at the tall man in the tropical shirt. That was Nick. A man as tall as a tree and said to twice as strong too. He was never seen with a clean shaven face but his stubble never grew. His dark auburn hair was pulled into a loose band.

“Enough darlin’,” he said. “I’m sure Kaibun has a reasonable explanation as to why he endangered his sister.”

Never had I seen Nick so angry. I had only seen him raise his voice once and that was when Allana was caught shop-lifting. Normally, he was a laid-back guy always smiling and cracking jokes in any situation.

“I’m sorry…I just…I thought,” stuttered Cinder.

“Look,” Nick’s face softend. “I understand that maybe you thought that her According’d be somethin’ great. But ya need to remember she’s still just a kid.”

“I coulda handled it!” I yelled. “I just…it looked so big.”

I felt Nick put his hairy hand on my head. “I know kiddo.”

We started to walk down the hallway; a cloud of unsettlement engulfed us. I kept my fingers locked with my brothers until we reached the car.

I sat in the middle with Sonny to my right and Cinder to my left.

“You did really well, there’s no way I’d ever be able to fight a level three the way you did, Simmer,” she said, smiling warmly.

I smiled back but inside I felt sick. I knew they’d make me fight that MaS again next month, until then I would be forced into a series of intense torturous training. The only way a person could have an official stance as a Wielder was if they defeat a MaS. If a person forfeits a match then they get a month of training to better themselves.

Nick pulled away from the main road and followed a dirt path. Roadrim is actually filled with a lot of woodland with only one major city in the middle of the island which sits the capital Foundation building. Previously, the building was miles from the centre. There was a disaster over a decade ago which caused the building to be condemned forever.

Originally, my brother and I came from an island called Janess, it’s a very large island with over three quarters of our population living in expansive cities. Our parents put us here three years ago as they were busy working overseas and thought it would be best to put us near the Foundation. Our father originally came from Roadrim also, whereas our mother was born and bred in Janess.

Nick stopped the car when he reached a large two story cottage. The four of us got out of the car and waved Nick goodbye as he drove off.

I dragged my feet along the stone path to the front door. Allana fished out her keys and opened the door while Kaibun and I took our shoes off. In Janess there is a tradition that it is a necessity to take off your shoes when entering a house. It was a habit my brother and I could never get rid of.

“We’re home!” called out Sonny.

Tam ran down the stairs and jumped into Sonny’s arms. Flawlessly Sonny caught her and spun her around.

“Miss me?” she asked, kissing her head.

Both Tam and Sonny came into this family at the same time. I don’t know all the details only that they were together and have never separated. Tam was so unlike Sonny. It was obvious they weren't blood related. Her hair was the colour of midnight and her eyes were a bright emerald colour.

“The school called me…” said a dark voice from the kitchen. “Told me about the arena.”

Out steped a tall and slender women. That was Nick's younger sister and adoptive mother to Allana, Sonny and Tam. But there was nothing motherly about her.

She had the power to intimidate anybody with her blank hollow stare. Her face showed zero emotion as if she was completely made from stone. It was said that she killed over a million people which was how her hair became an unnatural scarlet.

Then there were her eyes. They were the ugliest things I ever had the displeasure of looking at. They were the colour of a pussing yellowed wound. No one dared to keep eye contact with her for longer than ten seconds. That was my guardian. That was Nala.


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User avatar
232 Reviews


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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:30 pm
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi! Happy Review Day!

Nitpicks

What was my brother thinking, I asked myself.


If you asked, it would be a question.

“Simmer move!” yelled a familiar voice.

Comma after Simmer.

After dodging many more of it’s attacks I found myself facing its back


Its, not it's.

“But sill I should have-”


I think you meant still, not sill. Also, comma after still.

That was Nicks younger sister and adoptive mother to Allana, Sonny and Tam.


Nick's, not Nicks.

Okay, enough nitpicking!

I really like where this is going. The plot seems fantastic, and overall none of the writing seems rushed or too slowed down, the pace seems pretty good.

Keep writing, and I hope this helps!

WillowPaw1 ~ Royal Navy




Niraco says...


Thank you for the review. I went back and addressed those nitpicks of yours. Thanks again! :D



WillowPaw1 says...


No problem!

And what the heck happened to the quotes? 0.o



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:26 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hullo there!

Please keep in mind during this review that I have not had the pleasure of reading your previous chapter just yet - although I might go and find it now, because this was thrilling! I have some qualms with characterisation but this is written well and your description and handle on pace both work well.

I feel like there is a very strange disconnect between the young girl in the arena, who bawled her eyes out, and the one who we get in the end of the chapter, the one who is more sure of what she is saying and why. Is there a reason for this? I feel like there is no reason for her to have broken down the way she did. Forfeit, sure, but break down? I am not feeling it. I know I do not know your characters very well, but this is only the second chapter in what is looking like a very interesting novel.

Your description is good but I feel like we could do with some more physical reactions or descriptions of your characters as well. Does she shiver, her limbs curling in, does he run ahand through his hair in frustration, does someone try to punch him haha, I just feel like some physical representations of internal feelings would be pretty good to have here.


Thank you for posting this, I would be super happy to keep reading if you could notify me when you post a new chapter. :)

- Penguin.




Niraco says...


I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks for pointing that out. I went back and changed some of that scene in order to make it fit. Glad you enjoyed!



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:40 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Hey there! Happy review day! Let's review.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
as stood facing the cage.

as I stood facing the cage.

could devour me I ran out of its attack path.

could devour me, I ran out of its attack path.

it stilled was alive

it still was alive

darlin’” he said.

darlin'," he said.

Both Tam and Sonny came into this family at the same time. I don’t know all the details only that they were together and have never separated. Team was so unlike Sonny.

Is her name Tam or Team?

Out steped

Out stepped


This is a new idea. Of course, I probably should read chapter one later. I'm guessing that the brother did something really stupid and everyone else is mad at him. By stupid, I'm guessing exposing his young sister to the highest level MaS. Oh well.

Well, I don't want to look in Nala's eyes. They don't sound appetizing. Keep writing!

-lost




Niraco says...


Thank you for the review. It really helped!




The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain