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16+ Violence Mature Content

Renzel's World: Section 1

by SelenaCraig

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Chapter One

I truly believed I could protect my loved ones with these hands. I believed that this world was filled with limitations only I could exceed and that I was powerful. I had a vision that I could manifest this world into greatness and end the corruption. I had good intentions of shaping this world into what I saw was the best way for everyone to live. Not realizing what I had become and what I was doing, I pushed away all the things I considered sacred and precious—I lost everything. Something had to be done about his ways though; Kolar was not fit to govern this district. He fooled everyone into believing that he was genuine and that he was looking out for the best interest of everyone. I will admit that I too believed him. His speech was promising.

This district is special and so are the individuals who inhabit it. I will not allow any harm to come to you—any of you. You are my children and I will protect you. I will provide for you. I will support you. I will stand up for you… and I will listen to you. You are the ones that matter, your opinions are the ones that have value, I will not disregard you; we are all equal. I will not discriminate against any race, species, sexual orientation or religious views. I respect the way One chooses to live his life. I will serve this district well and I will do it with all your help~ Kolar

That’s how he got all those votes. I bet everyone felt stupid. It was all just a blatant lie. A month after the speech was broadcast he did discriminate. Kolar divided up all the races and the new hominids. Each race and new hominid had their own territory within Kolar’s district, which took up most of what used to be known as the west coast. It was now the Green District. Along with this he made strict laws.

His constitution reads:

Those of different races will not reproduce with each other.

Those of different races will not befriend one another.

Those of different races will not integrate territories or districts.

Homosexuality will not be tolerated.

No children will be born without first filing an application.

No marriages will be legal until first filing an application.

Everyone obeys the law.

Everyone will work.

Homeless will be prosecuted.

Failure to comply will result in prosecution.

Kolar became president of the Green District in 3030 and he was the youngest president ever, just 19 at the time and only 7 years older than I. By the time I was his age my world had greatly changed (in good ways mostly) and in ways I never thought possible. However, my life wasn’t always so pleasant. I went through a lot to get to where I am now but to be able to fully appreciate where I am now you need to understand my past.

I guess the first thing I should start off saying is that I’m lucky to even be alive at all. Once Kolar became president he went out on a spree to find any and all who had broken his newly made laws. He even had secret organizations that would travel to other districts and murder people. My parents refused to conform and give up. They stayed together as long as they could in hiding, raising me in isolation but eventually they were found. I was too young at the time to fully grasp the magnitude of the situation. When the time came they told me to hide and I did. I hid in a closet as I watched my parents get taken away from me. They disappeared out the door and into the night and seconds later I heard gunshots. In an instant, they were gone. The two people responsible for giving me life and nurturing me had been completely erased from this world. Like they were a couple mistakes accidentally created on Kolar’s precious paper that was the world. And I didn’t even know why.

I cried a lot back then. But my tears eventually fled when a woman named Anna found me and began to raise me as her own. She was a cute tiny Asian woman who was probably around her early 20’s at the time. I learned a lot of things from her because she was the most genuine person I knew and gradually she became like a mother to me—someone I would love and protect at all costs.

I was 13 years old when my world was flipped upside down. This is my story and my perspective. I close my eyes and remember those days as if I was still in that time.


I’m getting older, (13 today) and I’m still learning things from Anna. Just yesterday she gave me pictures of famous old landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Machu Picchu, Taj Mahal, The Great Wall of China and a place called Stonehenge. I asked Anna if these landmarks were still around and she told me most of them lost their beauty. At night before I slept I would look at all the photographs and imagine myself there. I often wondered what it would be like to freely walk around places like that since I had to be hidden from the world and Kolar simply because I was different in some way. I always just assumed he would have me killed because I was different and couldn’t be “lumped” into a category. I never would have guessed that it would ultimately work to my advantage many years down the road.

“Renzel! Get in here!” An excited Anna called from across the house.

Growing up, Anna always told me that this place in which we lived was our home, our house. In retrospect it resembled more of an abandoned house that you would find in the middle of nowhere. Windows were broken everywhere, the floors creaked wherever you walked, there were holes in the roof the size of Frisbees and sometimes-even rats would come out of their rugged holes to feast on the remnants of what little dinner Anna often prepared for us.

I eagerly ran to her, “Yes?”

“ Today is May 19th. And I also believe that today is your birthday.” She smiled at me, hiding something behind her back. I always thought Anna was so beautiful. She had thick curly dark hair and all her features were small and delicate. Today she was wearing a sundress she found in a dumpster nearby. It had a couple tears here and there but it wasn’t anything Anna couldn’t fix. Her dress had vibrant floral colors and it stopped at her knees. I always adored her. Even then when I was just a child. I remember telling myself how beautiful it was for someone to do such a selfless thing. I think loving a person and nurturing them is the most selfless thing a person can do. To nurture means to love, to give, forgive and accept. It is completely giving yourself to that person—spiritually and emotionally. Not everyone can nurture though. We all have the potential I think but not all possess the ability. Some are more kind while others are crueler. People though, have a hard time opening up to others because trust can be betrayed so swiftly. It is important not to pry but to simply be there because that is part of human quality.

“I’m thirteen today,” I said more nonchalantly than I intended. She didn’t seem to notice though.

“Happy Birthday Renzel!” She embraced me for a moment and then gave me my gift. It was wrapped in newspaper and held together by candle wax.

“Thank you, Anna.” I opened my gift. It was a nice leather book full of blank pages and inside was a note and a pen that read happy thirteenth birthday, Renzel. Never stop being wonderful and kind.

“I thought you might like to jot down some of your thoughts. I figured it would keep you busy so you wouldn’t be so bored around here.”

“I love it,” I told her as I hugged her.

It was a beautiful day out so after Anna and I celebrated a little more I went out behind the house and sat under a tree with my new notebook. It was hot but not unbearable because the limbs and leaves of the tree shielded me from the harsh rays. I absorbed the beauty that surrounded me outside; I listened to the birds chirp happily around me, the tiny insects that flew overhead and the miscellaneous noises that Mother Nature provided.

“Make sure you aren’t seen!” Anna reminded me from the back door. I didn’t need to be reminded though. I knew the consequences and I knew that no matter what I wanted to protect her. With that being said, I began to write in my journal.

Entry 1: I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to write in here but since Anna gave it to me I need to make sure I put it to use. I asked Anna why people wrote in journals like this and she told me that a lot of times people have strong emotions lingering within themselves and that they have a hard time expressing that to others. Anna said there’s no shame expressing yourself in writing because sometimes that feels better than talking about it. I learned that writing entries in this journal would be considered having a diary. A diary is where you can write down anything you want and its private so no one else can read it. I told Anna she could read mine sometimes but she said that would defeat the purpose.

Anna is a really smart and generous person. She told me that when she was younger she used to cook food for the homeless and volunteer at lots of different places. I’m really glad she was the one who found me and I hope that one day I can become a person she is proud of.

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266 Reviews

Points: 231
Reviews: 266

Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:37 pm
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Nike wrote a review...

Hello there! I caught your story in the Green Room. Here I am to review. This piece is extremely long... it would have been nice if you split it into two parts.

I will not review paragraph by paragraph here, because, well, that would take a very long while. Your spelling was good, your grammar was good, everything was well written. I can see that you have your own writing style which is also brilliant.

This story was very, dystopian. It reminded me of the Hunger Games when you mentioned districts. And also, it reminded me of Divergent. People want to write dystopian stories (I do too), but you should learn to branch out from those stories. Make your dystopian world different.

We think that Divergent and The Hunger Games are the same, but they are not at all. The split between society is the same with the idea, but factors and districts are represented differently. Factors are personality while districts are work related. So these stories have nothing to do with each other but remind us of each other. It uses the same concept, fight against the government which is trying to control us. This is a good way to go in stories, obviously, it catches the readers' attention. Yours had the same concept, so, to me, it was like reading those series' again.

I would want you to branch out a little differently. I see you have done that whole parallel universe people, mixed people. That's nice, go more deeper into that. Make your story different, like, more than just the people.

I like what you wrote, it caught my attention and it was well written.

¬ Nike

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Mar 30, 2014 5:07 am
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Selena! Niteowl here to review for the Mazarine Marauders this fine Review Day!

So overall, I think you have a fascinating story. Just a tip for the future: really long chunks like this tend to scare readers away. It's better to do some more reviews, earn some more points, and post the story in smaller chunks.

Some things I noticed:

1) Renzel is supposed to be 13 and more or less completely isolated from the world, correct? Or is he looking back from an older age? He seems at points more articulate and insightful than I would expect. Most 13 year olds don't understand politics, and people isolated from others for that long are going to show some ill effects. There's also some tense switching going on. In one paragraph, it's present tense, the next it's past tense. I suggest having the narration in past tense, but the journal entries in present.

2) The exposition at the beginning. The first few paragraphs basically give a lot of background information, which isn't much fun to read. In this case, it's also contradictory, because he says "My parents were both Novus" and then later he's surprised to find out he's not human. The exposition ruins the reveal. Personally, I would keep him in the "13 and not knowing how things work" voice to make that reflection scene even more powerful.

3) This is minor but: Will the Eiffel Tower even be around in 1000 years? There seems to be an awful lot of connections with our current world (e.g. the west coasts, monuments, Shakespeare) that I find a little unbelievable.

4) Again, pretty minor point: This class ranking system. So the number of your room correlates with your rank in class? And he's automatically put in #2 ? Seems doubtful. Also, every time the class ranks change, the students would be shuffled around, which sounds like a logistical nightmare. Personally, I would keep the room numbers unrelated to class rank.

Overall, this is a good story. I'm very curious to see what goes down at this "space academy". Peace, Love, and Fahrvergnugen! :)

There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec