Young Writers Society

Although, I believe that the happiness in which you speak is completely unrealistic and such, I believe that that the fact that you did this in 5 minutes, and have no prior experience in writing poetry, it's pretty darn good! So congrats to you, you just wrote a poem!

I also have to say, that I totally do wish that happiness like this existed cause it would be freakin AWESOME!!!

I'll have to check out some more of your work, and well good luck with the whole contest thing.

Good luck writing, and I look forward to reading some more of your stuff!!

Hey I'm new to the community and this is my first time reviewing so please don't hate on me.

For an Acrostic Poem I find this very heart warming. Everybody desires happiness but it's also filled with contradictory; deceit. I understand the point is to describe how people feel when they're happy and this was also made in 5 minutes. However, "Everyone lives in peace" is a false reality. "No one can harm you or your loved ones", and "Ideas are turned into success" are also false reality.

Other than that great job on the poem, it really describes how one feels when they're happy.

Em101cats has officially arrived to review! Hi there, Zontafer! Did you miss me this weekend? I was camping.


Yay! I love acrostic poems! I don't think YWS has very many acrostics. I think it needs more.


I'll break this into lines.

H appiness is when

A couple loves each other

P eople laugh together

P ain is nonexistent

I deas are turned into success

N o one can harm you or your loved ones

E veryone lives in peace

S unny days are here

S omething amazing happens

Zontafer,

This is really neat! I really like how you wrote 'happiness' down the side. It gives me a nostalgic feeling from when I was a little kid, in school writing a poem to my name. I think my favourite line is the 'I'. Cause it really does feel like you can do anything when you are at your happiest.

My only dislike is the last sentence, I know this is totally from a contest and you were thinking fast and whatnot. It just seems too basic for the ending of a poem. That's my opinion though!

Keep expressing!

-Percybeth

I may say that Wolf beat you at this contest. I love this poem and how it brings out the theme really well. I think this is true happiness. The word existent is misspelled(located in at the second p). The last sentence is phrased weirdly. I feel as if it is missing something. It should say something like this: "something good happens {there}." I love the idea that you have there. If you were in another competition, see what I wrote for wolf's poem(my review for her poem) and the technique I state is short and sweet. Hope this helps.

Hola Zontafer, Strange here and I have a review for you on this fabulous Review Day.
I noticed you published this once the official review day started, and overall that's not a fair technique. As Review Day is for reviewing. As for my review,
I enjoyed this poem. It is simple and sweet. The scheme is nothing new, but it is enjoyable. This poem talks about happiness, and nothing is better than happiness right? The best part about it is simplicity, while it happens to be one of the cons. I understand you're new to poetry, and a thing about it is emotion and simplicity. If it is too simple, the final result turns out underwhelming. Too detailed, it ends up boring. You express emotion, but kind of in a bland, quick matter. A little more detail will help a lot.
As I told you in PM, I didn't mean to be snoddy. I was just pointing something out for future awareness. If for some reason I'm mistake, it's all my fault.
Overall, good poem.
Strange gives you...
7.1/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my amigo.

Hmmm, pretty good for a five-minute poem!

Something that struck me while I was reading this:

H appiness is when
A couple loves each other

P ain is non-existant

Oh, a nice acrostic! I think it's pretty solid, and I don't want to destroy it. Generally, I think of acrostics as poems you write in school just to practice a form, right? So for some reason I see them as getting homework done instead of writing poetry.

Let's see if we can't examine what you've done and see a future form in it that could be published.

The first thing I notice is that everything is stated very plainly. There are no signs of abstract poetic language like similes or metaphors. And while in some cases, that can be nice, too much of a good thing can also get boring, right?

I think the plainness works SO well for the first two lines. "Happiness is when/ A couple loves each other". I wonder if you couldn't flesh out this SINGLE idea over the course of the rest of the lines to make it more cohesive. One of the easy traps of the acrostic is just moving from idea to idea to whatever next idea fits the letter, dictated by the letter, so maybe working to have a theme throughout the whole poem would be helpful!

I also love the simplicity of the last line: "Something good happens". Haha, it seems kind of silly and stupid "Happiness is when/ Something good happens", but that simplicity is what opens it up to reality. It's often said that people's troubles are varied, but happiness all kind of looks the same. So when you give something as vague as "Something good happens", you open up just the GENERAL feeling of something nice, something good, without trying to alienate people with different ideas of happiness.

So my suggestion would be seeing if you can't work it all into one idea -- one narrative throughout the poetry. I, personally, would like to see some more abstract language to spice it up and bring in more imagery, too~

But, in any case, I hope these thoughts are helpful for you as you continue to learn and write!

PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hannah

Hello, CesareBorgia here for a review.

Happy Review Day!

Wow, I've never seen an acrostic poem on YWS. I must savor this moment*takes deep breaths* I like this poem because it's unique and short. Here are the nitpicks.

P ain is non-existant

N o one can harm you or your loved ones

E veryone lives in peace

Happy review day!

Awh this poem is so positive and lovely! Makes a change to about two thirds of the poems I read on here so it's really refreshing to read something about happiness.

'I deas are turned into success'

^ I especially like this line, it's actually pretty motivational - it's made me want to go and do some work towards my exams next week so thank you for that!

I'm not going to destroy this poem or tear it apart because that's pretty contradictory to the whole point of the poem, which is about happiness and laughter and all those lovely things. The only real criticism I have is I found the last line a bit weak and vague compared to the rest of the poem. I feel like the word 'good' seems a bit... mediocre? Perhaps 'wonderful' or 'amazing' or something a bit more upbeat might make the ending a bit more 'kapow'.

Overall, I really liked it and it made me smile and it's a pretty good poem considering you say that you don't know anything about poems!

Take care and keep writing,

Crim

Heyo Zont, happy review day! Ah, so this is an acronym poem, very nice. I can't tear this apart because I'm not expert at poetry but I will tell you that even though this is a very cliche and sappy poem, xD. It still made me smile.

I will briefly comment on that all your ideas are very cliche. I'm sorry, but they are and given the timeframe in which you have to write this. I guess is understandable.

When a couple loves each other, that doesn't mean they are necessarily happy I think in this case, you should try for symbolism. Like a smile, or the way they simply seem to stare into each other's eyes with a faint smile on their lips.

People laugh together - care to elaborate?

Pain is non-existent- what sort of pain? You have to show us, just by saying pain is too vague to give off an impression, a world without pain wouldn't be happiness, it would just be boring. Do you mean pain as in heartbreak, pain as in the loss of a loved one or what?

Oh alright, I see now. But still, try and show us more.

Sunny days are here - My gods, show us, I know is an acronym poem and all and is a short time frame. Even something like silvers of sunlight on my cheek would have been nicer. But then I suppose, your pace won't allow it.

And that last line, very irresponsible. *tuts* Can't leave off a poem like that, and be all like, oh yeah happiness is when something good happens. An ending is very important because is the last thing the readers read so it will make a big impression. But that ending doesn't really tie up anything, in fact, none of your lines really connect is just like, sentences pasted on the page.


However, this is still a really cute poems and I am very sorry, for killing it. ^^

-S.s

Hello, here to review!
Happy review day!
Okay so I really like this. First, I would love to see some punctuation in this, I think it would make it flow nicer and more easily. I like the view you are giving on happiness though, because it is so true and kind of makes you happy when you read it. Last little nitpick and then I’ll be done. Okay, so you know how you have a space between “H” and the rest of happiness? That bothers me a bit. It makes me stutter and stop while reading this, and if you put it together it would also make the poem flow better.
Keep writing,
Sarai