z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Being Naughty(Actually very bad)!

by rikkidas


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

A noble soul was born free of fault,
He was sweet and ignorant by default.
When the nurse took him on her lap and felt his soft skin,
The child bent his head below and peeped where he shouldn't have been.
The sight of the cleavage made the child smile with utter joy,
The child appeared innocent and the nurse uttered "Wow! what a nice boy".
The child was brought home and considered an incarnation of holy angel,
But he was awfully stubborn and decided to misuse his potential.
He was gifted a large ball and his favorite activity was amateur dribbling,
The child is no angel and disobedient and indulged in quibbling.
Being apathetic to rest, he showed no deep feelings
For lame reasons picked up unnecessary fights with his siblings.
Growing up seemed a tough time for the kid next door,
There was no stunning baby girl in his proximity that he could adore.
He was quite loathsome and turned out to be haughty,
Don't you think he was naughty?


The notorious child grew to a big brat a few years later,
His mind was contaminated by dirty politics and indeed behaved like a minister.
Then on onset of every fine winter,
He would cruise every fine city and search for one-night spinster.
The sick young boy let a hooligan run away with his sister,
His activities reminded of a first grade trickster and he turned out to be a sinister.
There was no limits to bad activities and he abducted rich mens' daughter ,
He then enjoyed forcibly under Luke warm spring water.
The days of youth filled his heart with passion and fire,
It seems there was no end to his evil desire.
Don't you think he is naughty?


His days as an adult will not be free from fault and he will dwell in oligarchy,
His unconventional thinking will result in many a controversy.
Though cheerful, he will always be wicked and evil at heart,
But his association with thugs and cheaters will never fall apart.
He may party all night and might kidnap his neighbor's wife,
He may consider all these improve quality of his life.
In his old days,he will be addicted to alcohol and spend his lonely nights in a brothel,
His reply to everything will be an excuse or a neat grovel.
Don't you think he will always be naughty?


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User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

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Sat Mar 08, 2014 5:46 am
Iggy wrote a review...



*waves* Hi! I'm gonna knock this out of the Green Room for ya.

First off, the rhythm feels forced. As a whole, it's good. It gets choppy and strained at some lines, as if you thought and fought with it for a while before bending it to your will, but overall good. I would suggest not doing an AABBCC pattern next time, and instead a pattern more broad, like ABCB. It gives you a bit more room to be flexible and it doesn't feel so forced out of you. You also don't have to rhyme, you know! Whatever floats your boat.

Besides that, this was a rather cute poem. Clearly meant to be humorous, so rest well tonight, for your message was conveyed clearly. I laughed at the end of this. :) You used great examples to show the boy's mischief.

One thing you could do is give the boy a name. That helps the reader connect to the story, since a name has power behind it, and since it belongs to the boy, we can feel closer to him and his story, no matter how minimal the connection is.

Overall, I enjoyed this very much! I hope my review helps somewhat. ^^




rikkidas says...


Maybe the badness of the person was not portrayed properly and it turned out to be humorous.



rikkidas says...


Maybe the badness of the person was not portrayed properly and it turned out to be humorous.



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208 Reviews


Points: 830
Reviews: 208

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Wed Feb 26, 2014 8:54 pm
rhiasofia wrote a review...



Hello there, rhia here to review this poem.

I am going to perform my editorial habits and point out every little grammar and spelling error I can find in this poem. Just trying to be helpful, so I hope I don't come across as trying to find faults in your poem.

"A noble soul *is born free of fault,"
*in the next line, you switched to past tense, so this one should be past as well.

"The sick young boy let a hooligan *ran away with his sister,
His activities reminded * of a first grade trickster and he turned out to be *a sinister.
There *was no limits to bad activities and he abducted * rich man's daughter ,
*should be run in order to maintain the same tense
*should be a me in there
*there is no need for the a, sinister is an adjective and not a verb
*should be a were in order to maintain the same verb tense
*should either be "he abducted a rich man's daughter" or "he abducted rich mens' daughters." I couldn't tell which you were trying to do so I offered both.

"Being apathetic to rest *,showed no deep feelings
For lame reasons * picked unnecessary fights with his siblings."
*should be a he here, also the comma is unnecessary.
*there should either be a "he" here, or a comma

His days as a *grown up will not be free from fault and he will dwell in oligarchy,
His unconventional thinking will result in several *controversy.
*grown up is very wordy, try using "adult" or "man" instead
*because you said "several", controversy should be plural, controversies. Since you're trying to keep the rhyme scheme, which is great, I recommend dropping the "several" altogether. You could also change it to "many a controversy" if you want to emphasize the abundance.

*But his association with thugs and cheaters will never fall apart.
He may party all night and might kidnap his neighbor's wife,
He may consider all these improve * quality of his life
*the "but" implies that this line argues against the points in the previous line, when truly, the subject supports the previous line. You should change "but" to "and"
*should be a "the" in there.

I hope all that helps. You have a really good rhyme scheme, and employ really nice vocabulary through this, so props on that.




rikkidas says...


You seem to be very good in SC.



rhiasofia says...


Sorry, what's SC? Spell check? I feel like its something really obvious and I'm being silly.



rikkidas says...


sentence correction



rhiasofia says...


Ah, yes. I am an editor at heart :), thanks.




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