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12+ Mature Content

See Me Now?

by bookboysarebest


punch

head cracks back

blood on fist

straight to the office

See Me Now?


crash

a rock through the window

three necklaces gone

a hole in record

See Me Now?


crack

blood on the pavement

shot in the chest

one for the cops

See Me Now?


poke

a rush of chemicals

lost in a haze

damage to my brain

See Me Now?


hack

See Me Now?

cut

See Me Now?

stab

See Me Now?

run

See Me Now?

kick

See Me Now?

shoot

See

scream

Me

sprint

Now

pinch

See Me Now?



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414 Reviews


Points: 525
Reviews: 414

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 11:59 pm
Willard wrote a review...



Hey, bookboysarebest, Strange here and I have a quick review for you on this Review Day that is fantastic!
This is all about its message. It speaks the truth about teens today. They want attention. That is whst this poem has going for it. It's good, a little bit repetitive but that's okay.
Overall, good job
Strange gives you..
8.9/10
Good job
Keep writing
Stay groovy




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79 Reviews


Points: 732
Reviews: 79

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Wed Feb 19, 2014 5:19 am
Temi wrote a review...



This is quite interesting! It had a sort of "bouncy" feel to it. However, the strength of this poem seems to me also to be its weakness. I can understand that the term "See me now?" Is placed in the poem for emphasis but it is also distracting in my opinion. Your poem is quite descriptive and creates a good image in the mind's eye even without the continuous use of "see me now?" In my opinion, play with the poem a little bit more and see how you can "shout out" emphasis without being so repeptitive.

On the plus side, the theme of the poem is quite unique given the fact that most teen writers do not focus on your type of message for poems. This is good beacause as growing writers it is important we swim in unexplored territories of writing. The voice of the poem which is based on your word choice, gives the poem an "everyday tone" to a poem that does not have an "everyday message". This is good, you passed your message and still emotionally satisfied readers. As I said earlier, imagery is good and consistent.

This is a good poem with a unique message but can still be worked on. Tend your flame! It's all we've got. Temi






Thank you so much for the review. I will try and fix it up a bit.



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34 Reviews


Points: 593
Reviews: 34

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Wed Feb 19, 2014 2:15 am
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ongoeslife wrote a review...



Hello, and welcome to YWS!

I really like this poem. I know of many attention-hungry teens, though thankfully not all of them make trouble. (Some are just really, really obnoxious, but that's beside the point.)

I like the way that you used the bold for "See me now?"; I think that it really emphasizes the trying to be noticed, and perhaps the wrongs being done. You know, 'cause black is generally used to represent evil. I don't think you should capitalize 'Me' and 'Now' each time, though. While I like the emphasis on that, I think that perhaps a little bit of punctuation in the rest of the poem would make it even better than it already is.

The only other thing that I have to say as far as nitpicking is that there should be a question mark after the 'Now' that stands alone.

Wonderful piece, again. =) Keep writing and sharing with us!!

~Ongoeslife






Thanks for the review, I will make the changes.





Thanks for the review, I will make the changes.




Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt