z

Young Writers Society


12+

Tales of somewhat above average lives: Alex and Violet

by wretchednot, Sam


Thursday

Violet was just eating her lunch in her violet wool sweater and brown shorts. Her long bright blonde hair cascading down her back.

Her violet eyes focused on her lunch.

Just eating quietly despite the loudness of the room of people talking or getting their lunch.

Ahh... this is nice. Violet thought chewing on some fruit. Just eating no talking no work to finish and especially... No alex. "Ahh!" She screamed as

she felt someone pinch her buttox .

Then she felt arms wrap around her.

"Hi...Violet". She heard someone whisper in her ear.

She then turned around and saw who it was.

"Oh hi...Alex" she said plainly looking at the boy with light grey eyes and black crew cut hair wearing a black striped sweater and black shorts.

"What's wrong?" He asked. "Not happy to see me?" He mocked.

"I never am..." She mumbled

What was that? Alex asked sitting down next to herbgg.

"Nothing... Any reason you came over here?" She asked.

"No just wanted to screw with you". Alex stated.

"Of course". Violet sighed.

"Did you hear what happened yesterday during fifth passing period?" Asked the boy.

"No what?" Violet asked

"Paul broke up with another girl and the girl was like " don't leave me!We can make it work!" Then paul was like"Sorry babe but I need someone else".

At the mention at the name Paul Violet felt a bit disgusted.

That popular playboy with an extremely short temper is alway with a girl and then another.

"Oh...Poor girl but how is that different than any other of Pauls break ups?" Violet asked.

"Dian got involved this time".He stated

Violets eyes widend a bit.

At the mention of the name Dian she grew a bit more curious.

That girl was beautiful,smart,and kind.

And can be always be extremely cool as ice in almost any situation.

However when angry this girl can be as furious as a raging avalanche.

"Yeah then she talked to him then Paul got mad then Dian".

"Then Paul called her a bitch then Dian called him a man whore then they tackled each other and it took a few teachers to take them apart."

"Ouch..." Violet said

"Yeah... It was freaking awesome!" Alex exclaimed

BRRRIIINNGG!

"Oh my time to go". Violet said gathering her things. "Bye Alex". And she got up and headed for the doors.

"Well I guess I should go too". Alex said getting up but he was stopped by someone grabbing his shoulder.

"Hey man my names mike". Said the person.

Alex looked up and saw a boy with blonde hair and a kind looking face and a purple sweater.

"Oh... hi my names alex".

"Are you dating that Violet girl?" Mike asked.

"No not at all". Alex said confused.

"Do you like her?" Mike asked.

Alex face turned red by the question.

"What?! I-I do not!" He stuttered.

"Essh... calm down dude". Mike said.

"Why are you asking me these questions?" Alex asked a bit annoyed.

"No reason". Mike said simply.

"Bye"he said walking away.

What's that dudes deal? Alex thought.

"Oh crap! I'm gonna be late!" And he ran out the door

In the school hallways

Ok I'm almost there just gotta make a right at the bathrooms. Though Violet

"Sigh...I wish I had more time to get to class I'm always in a -"

But she couldn't finish her sentence since someone covered her mouth with their arm and dragged her into the empty boys bathroom.

"Mmhmm! Mhhumm!" She mumbled.

She couldn't even look up since she was in a lock.

RIINNNG!

"Well theres the tardy bell..." Violet heard the stranger say.

Then he walked to the corner of the room an dropped Violet.

"Who are you?!""Why did you bring me here?!" She asked.

The boy just stood there and smiled.

"Hello Violet my names Mike and we're gonna have some fun". Mike said.

Violets eyes widend in fear.

"Hehe..." Mike chuckled smiling.

In the hallway

"Uggh... Freakin teacher sending me to detention for being late".

"It ain't my fault some weirdo asked me some weird questions".

Alex said angrily passing the bathrooms.

"Might as well take a piss". He mumbled

Then he heard mumbling out the door.

"No!"

"Stop squirming." He heard someone say.

Who is that? He thought

And was that...

"Violet!"

He barged in to find Violet crying on the floor with her pants down and a boy shirtless with his zipper down on top of her.

"What the... Get the hell of her!" Alex screamed.

And he ran to them and pushed the boy off her and pinned him to the wall.

"Wait aren't you that mike guy?" He asked the boy.

"Yes".He answerd

"Hello again Alex". He said with a smile.

"What were you doing on top of violet?" He asked angrily.

" I was just gonna have some fun with her". Mike said.

Alex looked at him confused then his eyes widend realizing what he meant.

"Why do you care? You said you didn't like her and ack-!"

He wae cut off by alex squeezing his throat.

"If you EVER do anything to Violet again...I won't hesitate to finish the job".

"GOT IT?!" Alex asked venom dripping in his Voice.

"Y-yes". Mike managed to say.

"Good". Alex said letting go of thhe boy gasping for air.

"Now get out of my sight". Alex said.

And with that Mike scatterd out the door.

Then Alex turned around and saw Violet crying on the floor with her head in her hands.

He walked to her and sat down beside her and put an arm around her making her look up.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Sniff... Yes" Violet replied.

"Uhh...Violet?" Said Alex

"Yeah?" She asked

"Your um...pants". Alex said blushing and pointing to them on the floor.Violets face turned red.

"Wah! Don't look!" She said embarrassed.

"Sorry". Alex said covering his eyes.

"...sniff...okay you can look now".

"Okay". Alex said uncovering his eyes.

"Sniff... Wa..wah!" Violet sobbed.

"Violet...come on don't cry". Said alex.

"Sniff... I-I can't help it Alex". Violet sobbed.

Then Alex grabbed her and put her on her lap.

"Huh?" Violet questioned.

"Don't worry he's gone now he won't hurt you I promise". Alex said.

"Sniff...Wah! Thank you so much Alex!" She said sobbing into his chest.

"There there it's okay". Alex said

"Sniff...Yeah okay I'm okay now". Violet said composed.

"Good now let's go to detention for our attendance thing". Alex said glumly.

"Oh man! I forget about that!" Violet said upset.

"Hehe... " chuckled Alex.

"Yeah...now lets go he said".

"Okay". Violet agreed.

Two periods later

Violet was outside the school where a few small crowds of students stood the cool breeze hitting her when she saw alex heading back into the school.

"Alex! She exclaimed going to him.

"Oh... hey Violet". He greeted.

"Are you going back into the school?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm just gonna get some water". He replied.

"Oh... listen...about what happened in the bathroom I just wanna say thanks and I will pay you back some how".

And she hugged him.

"Your welcome Violet". Alex said hugging her back smiling.

"But if ya can't come up with a way to pay me back I'll have to make one up". Warned Alex.

"Violet let go and looked up at him".

"Hhmm... Okay seems fair". She agreed.

"Then out of the corner of her eye she saw a black car on the road".

"Oh my rides hear I gotta go bye Alex". She said

"See ya tomorrow". Alex said.

"Oh and here". Violet said.

"What?" He asked

Then violet pulled his arm down making him lean down and gave him a kiss on the cheek making him blush a bit.

And she ran to her car.

"Wah?" He said a bit confused.

And he just stood there for a moment.

Haha! If she can't come up with a way to pay me back I might just ask for another kiss! He though with a cheezy smile and a blush walking into the schoool.

Only to find mike there looking at him.

"Hello Alex". He said with a devious smile.

"What the hell do you want?" Alex asked with a angry and disgusted look.

"I'd like to make a deal with you". Mike said smiling devilishly.

Hehe...


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1274 Reviews


Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

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Wed Feb 12, 2014 5:43 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there wretchednot! Niteowl here to review. Since I haven't seen you around yet, welcome to YWS!

Now, first question out of the way--did @Sam actually have anything to do with this? She was a key early member of YWS but I haven't seen her around in years, so I doubt it.

Anyway, I agree with the previous reviewer. This feels a lot like a script. It seems too heavy on dialogue and light on everything else. The reader doesn't want to drown in description, but there needs to be something to anchor them to the setting.

Frankly, I don't really see the humor in this either. A girl gets sexually assaulted in the bathroom. That's not really funny. Perhaps the wrong genre was selected?

Some things that seemed off to me:

1) Sequence of events: So Alex is walking around in the middle of class when he enters the bathroom, right? Because he got detention for being late to class? Typically, I'd think detention would be an after-school affair and he would stay in class. I'd consider a more plausible reason for him to be out and about (he has to use the restroom, he needs something in his locker, the principal called for him)

2) Mike's presence/character. The opening scene suggests this is a small high school, where everyone's in each other's business. Yet when Alex sees a brand new face in the middle of the school day, he doesn't seem startled at all. Mike also feels more like a cartoon villain than a real person. If that's what you're going for, great. If not, I might slow down the action a little bit. Have him try to talk to Violet first, have the readers get into Violet's head as he's talking her up. "Hi, my name's Mike, and I'm going to rape you in the bathroom now" is not how most rapists act.

3) Division between scenes. You have jumps between time, which is fine, but the plain text is hard to figure out. I suggest using bold or italics for these parts. This is easy to do in the text editor.

4) Alex--he's supposed to be the good guy, right? If so, I'd rethink his characterization at the end. He just stopped his friend from being raped...and he's thinking about demanding another kiss as payback? That's problematic and makes him sound like a typical "friend zoned" man who thinks he is owed sex for "being nice".

Overall, I think you have a solid start to this story, but the ending doesn't feel very realistic or humorous. I am curious to see where you take this. Keep writing! :)




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200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

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Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:56 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hello

This reads somewhat like a script, you are severely lacking description.

Having said that, the content is good and entertaining. :)

Just, as with this:

'"Oh... hey Violet". He greeted.

"Are you going back into the school?" She asked.

"Yeah I'm just gonna get some water". He replied.

"Oh... listen...about what happened in the bathroom I just wanna say thanks and I will pay you back some how".

And she hugged him.

"Your welcome Violet". Alex said hugging her back smiling.'

There are very minimal details here and it is kind of hard for the reader to visualise. They need more of a connection with your characters.





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