The small child laughed silently as thousands of red balloons rose high above the clouds, announcing the start of the carnival. People flooded onto the field through any and all means possible. Fathers carried their children while coupled held hand and smiled. The small girl laughed at this before turning around and leaving.
Cheerful tunes rang through the surrounding forest while beautiful lights and fireworks eliminated the sky. Families ran around with bags of trinkets and food. Sweet smells filled the air and gave the aria an even more pleasant feel. "What a nice night" Smiled the child to the moon before breaking up into small golden butterflies and drift away, "Much better than it was a hundred years ago"
"That forest, with its white trees and green grass. I never wanted to leave" Laughed Faerie. Her company sat back in the chair and took another bite of cake.
"Why did you then?"
Faerie smiled at their question.
Two-hundred and forty years had passed since the young girl first arrived at the carnival. Each year the place would become more and more impressive, Gathering artists, musicians, actors, chef's and so forth. Reputation of this great place had spread throughout the globe and every year thousands upon thousands of people would travel through the forest to get to it.
Eventually the warm grass was replaced with marble and the white forest was now covered in small houses and streets. The child had nowhere left to go. She swallowed her pride and whispered "I'm going home, June".
"June?"
Faerie smiled. "My brother, Junemi"
"You have a brother!?"
It was on a cold night that the child left the carnival, heading toward the mountains with horrid speed. She glided past valise, rivers and grasslands till she could no longer keep her feet of the ground. Falling down on soft grass, the child heard a small noise. Next to her sat a beautiful bird, covered in blue feathers and jewels.
"Hello?" The girl whispered.
"What are you doing hear?" The birds voice was deep and rather alarming. The child jumped back and gasped. The bird laughed at this before its entire figure was engulfed in a blue glow. Its shape bubbled and changed till it resembled an elderly man with thick blue hair and a long beard.
The man walked toward the child and laughed a friendly but ugly laugh.
"You 'avent changed at all 'ave ya, Faerie?"
"Who are you?" The girl stuttered. The man stared down at her.
"Im not tha' forgettable am I?" He pouted. The child thought for a moment but had no idea who he was.
The man sighed before yelling, "JUNEMI!!!" and began to walk away, gesturing for the girl to follow. The two walked for a while till they were greeted by a boy in a mask. The boy took a side glance at the girl. He jumped back and ripped of his mask.
"FAIRIE?!?"
"June? What are you doing hear?"
Junemi's face was red and his hair was sticking up.
"What am I doing hear! What are YOU doing hear!?" The boy yelled before bursting into tears. He ran up to the girl and hugged her.
"Some older brother you are." She sighed.
"What do ya m...mean by tha' ?"
"Nothing" the girl smiled.
"So what happened next?"
"Well, turns out Junemi had moved to the eastern grasslands and had been there for some time. Since I left the carnival to live with June, I moved in" Laughed Faerie
"Thats boring" Sighed Faerie's company.
Faerie chuckled slightly.
A month had passed since the girl moved into Junemi's home. Summer had creeped by and Winter had stuck.
On a partially cold day, the two siblings huddled around a fire. June continuously ripped pieces of bread and threw them at the large bird who sat on the floor by them. The girl played with the burning sticks, being careful not to burn herself.
The was a loud nock on the door. Junemi jumped in surprise.
"Ill get it" Whispered the bird.
The door opened and the girl stuck his head out. No-one was there however a small letter was placed on the ground. The two children stuck their heads out as well. The bird grabbed the letter before dawdling back inside, closing the door behind him.
The letter was golden in colour and had a warm feel to it however it's content made little to no sense. The siblings and bird starred at each other, hoping one of them new what it meant.
" Do you know what it means now?"
Faerie shook her head.
"No idea , do you want to see it?" she smiled before walking over to a small box that sat on the windowsill.
"You still have it?"
"Of course, I wouldn't have asked you to take a look if I didn't have it" Faerie sighed.
The piece of paper was thin and bent, very old and smelled of dust. In the middle, between several flowers and trees gleamed small golden letters that read.
"Forgotten Faerie dreams of fire"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
Slight typo there. "couples," not "coupled."
Minor style thing. Since this is the first time we've been introduced to this small girl, it might be better to say "A small girl...". It makes it feel less like we're already supposed to know her.
Another typo: 'area', not 'aria.'
That needs a little technical work. It should read like this:
"What a nice night," thought (or some other dialogue tag; you can't "smile" words to things) the child, smiling up at the moon before breaking up into small golden butterflies and drifting away. "Much better than it was a hundred years ago (do you want this to be a question, or a statement?)"
It looks like you might want to refresh your dialogue punctuation rules. You need a comma after "leave", and laughed should be decapsed. Also, the use of "company" seems to imply plurality, but then their actions make it seem like they're a single person. (Good job on using singular they! Very well done.)
You have a bit of a reference issue there. The girl stuck his head out? Or the bird stuck its head out? Which of the three is doing the sticking out of their heads?
I think you have a good beginning, and I see Lucrezia's noted most of the other things I'd point out.
Hope this helps!
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
I really liked the stylistic uniqueness of this piece, first of all. The way you'd have her (in the future?) talking to someone and write that in italics, then have all the other stuff (what was currently happening or, perhaps, what had happened in the past?) written normally... it was interesting. I don't think I've seen that kind of style here before.
The character development was good. We didn't know too much about them, as you left most of the characters kind of vague, yet I did find myself enjoying each of them and curious about what would happen to them next.
The atmosphere in this piece, particularly when you were describing the carnival, was spot-on. I loved it. Atmosphere is not always that easy to achieve, but you nailed it! Great work.
Nitpicks:
Laughed... silently? How does one do that?
I think you meant couples.
The capitalization and punctuation here is all wrong. Here's how to fix it:
"What a nice night," smiled the child to the moon, "much better than it was a hundred years ago . . ." Suddenly, she broke up into a mess of small golden butterflies, drifting away into the wind.
The G in "gathering" should be lowercase, and there shouldn't be an apostrophe in "chefs."
That period should be inside the quotation marks, not out of them, and there should be a comma after "whispered."
I think you meant on the ground?
Whenever you finish dialogue and write something like "the girl said" or "he whispered," that first letter doesn't need to be capitalized.
So, for example, that T in "the" from the sentence I quoted should be lowercase.
"Here," not "hear," and there should be an apostrophe in "birds" (so it looks like "bird's").
"Laughed/laugh" seems a bit repetitive here.
You can get rid of one of those question marks.
Hear: To hear something or someone. For example, "I can hear the belles . . ."
Here: A place. For example, "Here she is!"
So the "hear" I quoted above should be "here."
There should be an apostrophe in "that's."
"Knock" is spelled with a silent K at the beginning.
Should be an apostrophe in "I'll."
Huh?
"Stared," not "starred," and again, there should be a silent K at the beginning of "knew."
Get rid of that space after the first quotation marks and before "do."
Again, unnecessary space. This time it's after "idea" and before the comma. DELETE.
Should be written as:
...between several flowers and trees gleamed small gold letters that read:
"Forgotten Faerie dreams of fire."
Okay, nitpicks aside, this was a very interesting piece. I hope you'll continue it! I want to know more.
Well done!
Thank you! Sorry about the mistakes. I'll do my best to fix them in the future.