Published February 7, 2014
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A76a_LNIYwE
This is for a contest by @SushiSashimi333
Enjoy!
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We ran. For how long I don’t know. Could’ve been an hour, could’ve been less than a minute. We sprinted through the ruins, jumping over the skeletons like hurdles. I held his hand while we ran. Completely impractical, as he ran much slower than I, but still. We both needed each other more than anything.
He stopped suddenly. “Koschei!” I whispered, “Run!”
“Look,” he said. Straight ahead of us, there was a wall.
“What?” I asked, “It’s just a wall. Come on! They’re not far behind,”
“It’s glowing,” he said. I looked again. It did seem to have a pinkish light inside it. Koschei kicked the wall. It opened up to reveal a room. There was a flash of pink light, and then darkness. We looked at each other and went inside. We couldn't run for much longer. They were catching up. We needed to hide.
There were footsteps outside. They’re here.
“Where did they go?”
“They couldn’t have just disappeared.”
“Do you have the heat detector? They must be hiding.”
“No sir.”
“Water detector? This place is dry as a bone, except for any humans here.”
“No sir, only a saltwater detector. And it won’t register if the saltwater is inside a human body.”
“Well start looking then.”
“Yes sir.”
Something clattered on the floor.
“What was that?”
“That was the saltwater detector sir. I dropped it. Apologies sir.”
Something started to beep.
“The saltwater detector. It’s going off, sir.”
“Impossible.”
“It is, sir.”
I tasted salt. I put my hand to my face. I was crying.
“In here, sir.”
The door burst open to reveal two men. I hardly noticed one of them. The other man was wearing a long jeweled cape and carried a scepter. The king. Nobody said anything for the first second; I just looked into the king’s eyes, hoping for pity. I got none. I heard a loud noise, and then everything went black.
***********************
When I woke up, Koschei and I were in a cage. Like animals.
“Koschei and Svana Thorirsson, you have been convicted of disgracing sacred ground,” the King said.
“We didn't disgrace it! We were only living there,” Koschei remarked.
“Koschei,” I whispered, “it’s no use.”
“You lived on the bones of millions of souls of those who perished in The Fire. Merely stepping on the surface of The City would be punishable by death.”
“You’re the one who chased us across it,” Koschei said. I couldn't help but smile. I love my little brother.
The king glowered. “Like I said,” he growled, “You should be killed. But I think you deserve worse.”
I didn't want to listen to what he had to say. He kept talking, though. Instead of listening to his words, I listened to his voice. It was so strange, and so different from Mama’s. Then again, I haven’t heard Mama’s voice in six years, shortly after Koschei was born. I, as a child of ten myself, had to raise an infant on my own. Not to mention having to live with the grief of a recently perished mother. I looked for a home, and found an abandoned, ruined city. I didn't know at first what had happened there.
Before I knew what was happening, a metal shackle was around my neck, and I was on the other side of a bridge. Or what used to be a bridge. It was crumbling to pieces, like the rest of The City.
“SVANA!” Koschei sobbed. I screamed, fighting against the men holding me back. They were too strong. They dragged me into the woods. I looked at Koschei the whole time, not daring to cry. That was the last time I saw my little brother’s face.
***********************
They tossed me into a pit. It must have been a mile deep. This is what the king meant by worse than death. Separation. I hate to admit it, but he was right. This is worse.
I sat and looked up. I could barely see sky. Dying trees surrounded what little I could see. This isn't punishment. This is torture. I am sixteen years old. I am just a child.
Suddenly I saw a pink light, the same as the one I saw in The City. As the light came closer, I realized what it was. A bunny. Or at least something in the shape of a bunny. It looked firecracker-like. There were no bunnies in The City, but I remember what they looked like from before I lived there.
“What are you?” I asked.
“I am a spirit,” it responded. Its voice sounded like wind chimes softly ringing. “I used to be human. I lived in The City. I stayed even after I died. It was lonely for several millennia. Then you came. I am here to return the favor.” It flew up to the top of the pit, leaving behind something that looked like a rope made out of light.
“Climb on,” the spirit said. I held onto the rope as it raised me to the surface. The spirit lead me out of the forest, to where I saw a little boy running after a yellow light.
“My brother went to help your brother. He will be coming to you shortly.”
I watched as the boy ran after the light, into a large building. The building had a face carved onto it. I watched as the eyes lit up red, as the building lifted into the sky. It wasn't a building at all. It was a ship. The spirits didn't know that, though. I watched as a small figure pounded against the window above the eyes.
I saw the guards running towards me.
For the second time today, I cried.
For the second time today, I ran.
Alone.
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Hey there! Finally here to review as promised. Sorry it's taken so long!
I really don't have much to say about this story. It was a pleasure to read, and there really wasn't much I could complain about. My quibbles were:
Because the rest is in past tense, the 'they're here' really out to be 'they were here'. That said, it does create a sense of urgency as is, so I would suggest putting the sentence as it is into italics, so it reads like I thought in your MC's head.
The 'i' in 'it's' should be capitalised. Seeing as it's not so much a sentence chopped in half, there needs to begin with a capital.
This sentence should be in past tense.
Do you mean 'I was lonely'.
I really don't have much to say for this, and although it would have certainly benefitted from a little more depth and detail, your writing style is just so easy to read. It just felt crisp and assured, like you really knew the story you were telling. The flow felt really smooth, and even though the story felt as though it progressed a little quickly, it never felt clunky.
This was just a really nice story to read. Great job!
Thank you so much! I read this yesterday at a thing for the writing class I go to
Hello! First off, I love how you based this off of a music video. I've seen this video plenty of times, but never thought to base a story off of it. Points for creativity! I really liked the names. They, coupled with the king's accusation, give the reader a sense of background pertaining to the culture of these people. The only criticism I would have would be that she should see her brother's face in the rocket. If she's close enough to see the face crying, she should be able to tell that it's him. Otherwise, really awesome and creative! Keep writing! (I'm writing this from my iPod, so if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes I apologize.)
-Bellator
Thanks Bella!
Hey there, I'm here to review =)
I have to say that I love this. Just about everything about this. I've watched the video for King and Lionheart by Of Monsters and Men, and I think you captured it perfectly through your writing. I can't think up any suggestions in relation to the actual story, dang it. I can't find anything wrong with it =P I did, however, notice a tiny amount of punctuation mistakes. Like two or three. I'll point them out!
Some punctuation mistakes:
"What?" I asked."It's just a wall. Come on! They're not far behind."
Period, not comma. =P I put the period in bold so you can see what I'm talking about. At the end, it can be either an exclamation point or a period. I just assumed it would be a period.
Also: any parts where it has the word sir, I'd add a comma somewhere before it. So there are some parts that simply say, "Yes sir." I'd go and change it to Yes, sir." So yeah just go around and add that, and I'd say you're pretty much good.
Awesome job!
Thanks! For the first mistake, I have used commas in situations like this my whole life... oops. Heh. For the others, I'll fix that right away. Thanks again!
Kay, I love this song, and I love the fact that you used a Doctor Who name, very unique to most, and personal for us Whovians.
This is really interesting, but I feel like it's just too rushed. Things just kept happening, with little detail as to why. I know it's based on the video, and that the video is quite odd, and I get where this is going because of the video, but I feel like anyone who hasn't would be lost. I think that, however, with development, it could be a lot easier to follow. It's already really original, so you've got that going for you. I just think if it had a little more to it, it could be really awesome. Otherwise, I really like it.
Thanks! What you described is a frequent problem in my writing, I'll try to fix that!
Thanks again!
No problem!
Oh yes, and I do realize that Koschei is the name of The Master in Doctor Who. I just thought it fit the character.