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E - Everyone

The tussle

by mayyda

Little could I express…….?

Little could they comprehend?

A clear cut notion: immaculate in mind

But an idea, far more vague to attend.

They claimed their stand point

And I asserted that of mine

Neither they submitted nor I

Beating the bushes, we stood by the borderline.

Wisdom intervened, professing a solution

Half yours, half ours-to get along

Then came in; the unwanted interference

And the tussle lived long………

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37 Reviews

Points: 731
Reviews: 37

Thu Feb 13, 2014 12:44 am
Rarity wrote a review...

Hello lovely! First of all, I would just like to say that I can relate to this 100%. This happens with my siblings and I all the time, and yes, I am guilty of being the annoying third party as well. Alright, let the review begin! Your first two lines are very good; however, I would remove the question marks; they make the lines sound uncertain. I would also suggest adding in some punctuation to the ends of some of the lines to improve the flow of the piece. Your poem clearly expresses your idea while also being vague enough to stimulate thinking. Well done.


User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 1963
Reviews: 41

Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:05 pm
Inkpot wrote a review...

I really enjoyed this piece.
Your wiriting is clear, well phrased and with extensive use of vocabulary.
It is sensitive whilst also maintaining structural strength.
The opening of your piece:

Little could I express…….?

Little could they comprehend?

is lovely. You had me gripped with the rhetorical questions, such that I wanted to read on, to understand what the narrator was referring to.
My favourite line is this one:

Beating the bushes, we stood by the borderline.

This is because you use that common phrase, "beating around the bush" to imply something far deeper and more serious than we often associate it with, and the idea of a "borderline" is very interesting. It makes me think of some point where no more progress is being made, and there is a boundary which should not be crossed.

Overall, you have written a very thoughtful, powerful piece that has been carefully and beautifully crafted. I enjoyed reading it, and all I would suggest is that you only use three dots in an elipses (like so: "..."). Thanks for sharing this poem! :)

“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing