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Toy Story: Part I

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“You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine,

you make me happy

when skies are gray...”

A girl sang gently, resting upon a bookcase. In her hands was a single strand of brown hair; the girl was blonde. Abruptly, she stopped, the strand falling softly to the ground, her voice frozen.

Slowly, her head rotated, snapping tendons with a wet pop. “Don’t look so scared, my dear. After all, I’ll always be with you.” Her smirk was swallowed by the candle as it crisped her skin.

The flames scampered closer, on tiny mouse feet, licking the shiny floor black, chewing through the bookcase, and the parchment wall.

Light streamed in. A young boy sat in a wheelchair, giggling as he played with a puppy. “You are such a good dog, aren’t you, Slinky?” He giggled once more, ruffling the puppy’s blood-matted fur.

Clouds floated lazily above, a stream gurgled in a nearby pasture. “Isn’t it such a lovely day, Slinky?” The puppy did not respond. “Slinky?” “Slinky!” The boy became enraged. “Slinky, answer me!” Silence. “Fine.” He snapped the puppy’s legs. Crunch. “Now you are just like me.” His quiet laugh echoed.

The stream overflowed, swelling in size. Doubled. Tripled. It washed over the boy and his puppy.

The water settled, stopping at a door. The door was of simple wood, polished and decorated with an ornate knob. It swung open, creaking quitely. Inside, there was a living room. A couch was in one corner. It was brown, with ribbing defining its texture, the only decoration was the young girl perched upon it.

Her skin was smooth, lightly tanned. Her eyes were a brilliant blue, teeth a pristine white. Full, subtle pink lips balanced her nose. Her face was perfectly sculpted, as though she was made from a mold, or in a factory.

“...you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.” She rocked back and forth, singing, her hair now shielding her eyes. “Darling, I’m glad you came back to visit. Come sit.”

“Remember the times we had? Dancing, singing, you were quite the charmer.” She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “Ah, but I remember when I fell in love with you. It was when your brother’s legs were broken. How he screamed! Delicious....”

““Don’t look so scared, my dear. After all, you did it.”

Everything dissipated.


Section II.

Puffs of memories swirled in the brisk night air, coloring the sky with streaks of crayon. It was silent, there was nothing else other than the puffs. Silent in their grandeur, they intermingled with one another.

A young boy giggled as he sat on his mother’s lap, while a young girl played in a room full of toys. A gorgeous woman blew a kiss that floated over a funeral scene. Smaller, more complex memories sprouted from these images, wriggling bacteria against petri-dish smoke.

As they continued to branch, they began to solidify, hardening into rough bark.

The man ran his fingers along the tree, tracing the outline of the faces he saw. Their mouths were frozen in a scream, as though they were trapped. This did not bother the man at all, as he saw much worse things in his mind.

The outside world is much lovelier, he thought. I do wonder why someone would carve such a thing into a tree.......

The man stepped away, his boot crunching something. Crouching, he noticed glass shards littered everywhere. Compelled, he gently selected a larger, more intact piece. Holding it upward, he saw his reflection caught by the rising sun. A large, deep brown eye looked back at him curiously, and strong, defined cheekbones formed the contours of his face. A brown stetson adorned his hair, every strand in its place.

The man shrugged, and dropped the shard.

Standing, he began to make his way around the tree. Behind it, stood hundreds of trees, each carved with faces. A variety of mirrors were strung through the lush, dark green tops. A zephyr rolled amongst them, creating melodic tinkling that dominoed onward. The final mirror was quite small, yet dense. It’s edges were jagged and scraped, almost as though it had been broken in desperation. Clink. The sound resonated.

The zephyr grew stronger, the mirrors angerier. Sounds swelled, the atmosphere tensed, building, and building.....

then nothing.

Silence settled in, comfortable with its new territory. And yet, the man remained unfazed.

Note: This is unfinished, tis the first part. I haven't really focused on it in a while, and I think I want a bit of feedback, hopefully. So hey, be cruel, be mean, be nice, be whatever - just honest, go for it!

Comments & reviews · 2
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Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"In her hands was a single strand of brown hair; the girl was blonde."

Stylistic recommendation: change the semi-colon to a period and capitalize accordingly. It adds more emphasis to have the pause there.

"Abruptly, she stopped, the strand falling softly to the ground, her voice frozen."

It's typically good to go "one and done" on phrases and clauses. Here, you have two phrases tagged on to the end of the sentence. I'd recommend choosing one of them to keep (most likely the first one), since with two it feels like the sentence is too long, even though it's technically correct.

"Her smirk was swallowed by the candle as it crisped her skin."

Smirk tends to be overused, so I'd caution on its use there. And where'd the candle come from? It just suddenly appeared?

"The flames scampered closer, on tiny mouse feet, licking the shiny floor black, chewing through the bookcase, and the parchment wall."

This is one of those times when, stylistically, it feels better to have both of the phrases. I'd just recommend getting rid of the commas after "closer" and "bookcase." They're unnecessary and disrupt reading flow.
I liked the description in that sentence. It really stuck out.

"Light streamed in. A young boy sat in a wheelchair, giggling as he played with a puppy."

I've read a little bit past this, and just like the candle, there's no explanation. This scene just appears.
This whole piece is reading more like a literary LSD trip than horror. Not saying that's bad, but just not horror.

"Clouds floated lazily above, a stream gurgled in a nearby pasture."

Comma splice. Please change that to a period and caps accordingly.

"The door was of simple wood, polished and decorated with an ornate knob. It swung open, creaking quitely. Inside, there was a living room. A couch was in one corner. It was brown, with ribbing defining its texture, the only decoration was the young girl perched upon it.

Her skin was smooth, lightly tanned. Her eyes were a brilliant blue, teeth a pristine white."

So many state of being verbs, back to back like that, ground the reading flow to a complete stop for me. You had so many good action verbs, very descriptive, very established style, and then you broke form completely. Those were entirely out of place, and the story trip just ended.

"It was silent, there was nothing else other than the puffs."

Another comma splice. Please fix.

"A young boy giggled as he sat on his mother’s lap, while a young girl played in a room full of toys."

It might be better to break that up into two sentences and reword the second a little differently so it doesn't have the same format. When I read that, it felt a little long for the short, concise style you've established.

"This did not bother the man at all, as he saw much worse things in his mind."

I'd recommend changing the "as" to "since", and see if it flows better to you.

"Behind it, stood hundreds of trees"

Extraneous comma there. Please delete it.

"It’s edges were jagged and scraped"

The its shouldn't have an apostrophe, since this is the possessive form.

After finishing, I felt like I liked your descriptions, but not sure how the bizarre made for horror. You really have the economy of words concept down. Except for a few places, you had great, consistent flow.
The piece itself was disorienting in the sense that I had no idea what was going on, where things were coming from, why they were appearing, or what they meant. The first two things, the girl with the popping owl neck and the boy in the wheelchair, felt a little average as far as horror concepts go, but when you transitioned to the memory smoke and the man in the forest, I felt like we'd finally started to arrive in your own work. See if you can bring more of that into future writing.

Hope this helps!

User avatar
Craz
Review
Craz wrote a review · Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:22 pm

Original Text: It was brown, with ribbing defining its texture, the only decoration was the young girl perched upon it.

Fixed Text: It was brown, with ribbing defining its texture; the only decoration was the young girl perched upon it.

Original Text: It was silent, there was nothing else other than the puffs.

Fixed Text: It was silent, and there was nothing else other than the puffs.


- As a technical fix, you should shorten where you did the multiple period marks to just three.

I really enjoyed this piece. I like the vague way you wrote it, which added to the mysterious and disturbing scenes that you described. However, as I continued to read it, I couldn't help but think that there is, if not a very loose, beginning of a plot here, but I couldn't fathom what it would be. The ending furthered my suspicions of this, as the scene with the man and the tree was the longest one you wrote and seemed have some significance with the previous scenes.

Whatever you got going here, I'm very intrigued by it. If you do decide to continue with this, I'd like to read it.

~ Craz



Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx