Young Writers Society

Hey Strange,
What a touching story. I've been enjoying my English class for the past week or so, and we've been learning some pretty cool stuff, so I kinda want to share a bit.

Your rhyme scheme is all over the place. First it's the first and third lines, then it's the second and third, and you switch every few stanzas. Rhyme isn't something that should be thrown into poems because it's a fun thing to do. Rhyme underlines important aspects, creates a flow of sorts. Really great poets like Shakespeare even had hidden meanings within the rhymes. It's some cool stuff.

Anyways~ What I'm saying here is that you're strange rhyme scheme takes away from the poem. With the rhyming, you've been locked into contrite, overused phrases. Like:

We'll be together,
Forever and ever.

(an aside on this line, the three rhyming lines and repeated 'together' really throws a wrench in the flow I feel)
and

Our love will live on,

Rhyme doesn't suddenly make poetry. If anything, it can blur or dilute the message, and your message has the potential of being powerful. I think, if you decide to rewrite this or edit it or whatever, to take out the rhymes. It can be rather freeing to choose the words that best fit the mood of the poem and the message than choosing it for a silly rhyme scheme.

One nitpick:

Alone and vegetated.

This is a very awkward line. It kinda makes me smile for some reason which I don't think was your intention.

And then... This has more to do with the author's note and is completely opinion. There's this thing called fictionalization which, in a really condensed definition, means that after a work is in the reader's hands, the author has no more control of it.

Now, that story about the hospital shooting was very interesting, I'm glad I got to read it, but sharing it before the reader reads the poem (or before s/he gives the review even) doesn't allow you to make a good judgement on how well your poem expresses the message you wanted because you told us the message before we got a chance to make one up for ourselves.

Does that make sense?

I'm not sure I would have gotten 'mercy killing' out of your poem, but I read your author's note, so I go into reading the poem thinking about what you meant it to be, not what may actually be there or what I'll make it.

So, it's not that big of a deal, but perhaps you move the author's note to the end of the poem.

With all that said, you have a good foundation here. When I personally write poems- which isn't all that often- I have trouble coming up with ideas I see as worthy of poetry. You have no problem with that here.

If you have any questions or comments feel free to mark up my wall, PM me, or hit me up in chat.
I hope to see some more of your stuff,
Megs~

Wow, this poem is very powerful Strange. The stpry behind the shooting is both sad yet hopeful, that some guys will listen to their wife's last wishes. The one's that just shoot to shoot people are the one's i can't stand. This poem would show the emotions of the to-be-shooter perfectly.

I loved the last two stanzas:

We've done everything,
63 years together.
We'll be together,
Forever and ever.

We're about to depart,
Our time on Earth is through.
One last thing to say,
I love you.

Powerful, emotional stanzas.

Good job, Strange. This is well written.