Pathos

This poem has really good wording. I think you work very well within the metaphor you picked and that is a huge plus for what you're trying to do. The problem I see is a little different form what Milanimo saw. I don't think separating out this poem into stanzas is really going to help the reader, I think what will help is if you add more punctuation and eliminate some of the words that are fruitless, such as "though" and "and" as well as adding punctuation.

The problem I'm finding is that you don't give us enough time to really pause and admire things before dragging us on. Also some of the thoughts are half finished when you break them into the next line.

I'll go through first and mark useless words. This review ended up really long so I'm going to imbed things in spoilers so you can look at each section individually.

Spoiler! :

Okay, so that concludes words you could do without. Now on to the next thing.

Lines: The end of this poem really shows the jerkiness better than the start of it, even though it is in both places. I'm going to try to describe my issue and you'll see if you want to fix it it or not. I'll use examples both from your poem.

Lines as a theory should be able to stand alone and be read in a new light.

Spoiler! :

So, how do we fix it?

Spoiler! :

That being said, we still need to talk about the line issue.

Spoiler! :

I'd suggest tacking We know, right on the front of "Our lives are no less fleeting than the wind" and if you really need to cut it for enjambment [not that you end any sentences in the middle of lines in this poem [although you could and it might give you a really unique result]] do it somewhere like between less and fleeting. This would change the segment to:

"The ephemeral breeze takes us;
We know our lives are no less
fleeting than the wind."

While "fleeting with the wind." is not a very strong statement, it is a statement in itself. The idea of something vanishing like the wind suddenly letting go is still there. After all, the wind can be very fleeting, so it really gives it a new punch to set that aside.

As for that first part of the 'sentence' which was "But they lift us and let us see the shining sunrise and we set our course for half past sunset..."

I've already said you need to take out 'But', the reason being because "They lift us and let us see" is a really powerful statement.

You could even do "They lift us, let us see," sort of as an injected clause stating that by lifting us, they're letting us see, instead of they lift us, and they also let us see.

After that, you have it cut up so that the sun is shining, yay, sun. I'd suggest a little more descriptive language here because this is a weak part of the poem for visualization. Sure, we can see a sunrise shining, but what's it look like to them, is it some embodiment of their eternal flame? is it a glittering shining sunrise, or is it just a shining sunrise? What colors are playing on the horizon?

Perhaps my issues is that shining sunrise is so typical that it doesn't match the power of the end of this poem. The other issue I have with this is that you've done that sentence thing again. You could break this down into much simpler sentences which might make it easier to read: "They lift us and let us see the shining sunrise. We set our course for half past sunset. The ephemeral breeze takes us." Perhaps it seems a bit choppy, but if you really wanted to, you could eliminate all punctuation from this poem, [that means capitals as well] and let the reader read it how they want, sort of like a loose pool of water forming how it wants instead of to a glass.

So here are my problem areas for your lines:

Spoiler! :

Punctuation:

Spoiler! :

Please consider taking out the caps at the beginning of every line. Just give it a shot. It is not mandatory these days in written poetry and really makes poems look joggy. Most poets now a days only caps the first letter of sentences. It gives a more even flow and makes it easier to read through without stopping at the end of each line.

Any questions or want to play with it in real time, give me a shout.

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