Chapter 1
Walking to class, I see everyone dressed in the lousy school uniform. Slacks, dark blue polo with the World Delegation logo on the left chest. Everyones shirts have faded over the year, which makes living in Sector 3 even more dull. But today is a special day, the beginning of the 26th year since the Rebellion. So yesterday was the day that this years school supplies was handed out. Two notebooks, one binder, one uniform shirt, six pens, six pencils, and one pair of gloves. Everything with the 26th Year Delegation logo on it and your name. Everyone rushes to our first class of the day wearing our new uniform shirts, with pep and fear that only comes once every other year.
I walk in and sit in my assigned desk and take out my notebook. The logo of the 26th year delegation on the front looks the best it has ever looked. So modern and clean. With this being the year of the 13th Rebel Olympic Games, the Olympic logo is mixed in as well. My name is cleanly printed across the bottom in a beautiful font. Tony Heart, in skinny narrow white letters. Atleast they didn't misspell my name again. Everyone files in and sits in assigned desks and prepares for class. No one speaks to one another. No friendly conversations are held. All that is heard is the busteling of movement. Our teacher walks in wearing his new Educators Uniform, a vest with the same logo on the left chest on top of a long sleeve button up. He glances around the room and sits at his desk in the front of the room. As he prepares for the day, everyone else settles in and prepare themselves for the next few minutes. I sit, eyes closed, holding my head in my hands. I liked the darkness of my eyelids. It created my own little space, where I am free to be me. But I soon get brought back to life in Sector 3 when the screen begins rolling down.
Everyone gets out of their school desks and stand facing the screen. No one moans or complains, but it is tense in the room. We are told to be excited, but it is hard when some people dread this day, I do. But my best friend, Haley Sims doesn't. She loves the thrill and excitement. Today is the day the Rebel Olympic Games are announced.
As we wait for the screen to light up, I imagine everyone in the world stopping and watching the closest screen. For some, is this an enjoyable moment? Or is this dreaded by everyone? The screen lights up with the royal blue background and the red World Delegation Logo. A majestic eagle holding the Rebel Olympic Rings in its talons with two dark red flames with a blue circle in the middle of each flame on each side. The Delegates Anthem plays loudly, booming through the classroom, the streets, and all buildings. It is one of the only pieces of music allowed, and is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. The long sounds with the high tones and the short fast sounds with the low tones playing at the same time is almost as majestic as the eagle. As the anthem plays, everyone stands up straight, fixes their clothes, and smiles. As if the World President will be able to see us. Us out of everyone in the world. We have been told exactly what to do by the elders, and what will happen if we don't do it. "President Crown will be watching you, so be sure to smile," they say. "We want Sector 3 to look as presentable as possible." They explain.
The anthem ends and President Crown fades onto the screen. Behind him is a picture of the World Delegation Logo, and he is standing behind a black metal podium with the same logo on it. He begins to speak by clearing his throat. "Good morning on this the first day of the first month of the 26th year since the World Rebellion." He speaks with such a demanding and sarcastic tone. He sounds as if he were trying to win an election of some sort, and he knows he has already won. "I am proud to announce that the Rebel Olympic Games will be held in Sector 4, as the rules state, "Each Rebel Olympic Games shall be held in the Olympiad Region of the Sector which produced the last Champion." Because of this, Sector 4 is exempt from the 13th Rebel Olympic Games. The Selection will be held in exactly three days in the Olympiad Region of each Sector. After the Selection, more information will be released about this years Rebel Olympic Games. May everyone have a successful an meaningful day."
You would think that he would say more, but he doesn't. He never has for as long as I can remember. Everyone sits back down in their school desks. Our teacher tells everyone to get back to finishing the assignment, but no one does. All anyone can think is "What if I get selected?"
After school, I begin to walk home. I only live seven minutes from the school. 10 if it is raining and 5 if I run. I've been walking to school for as long as I can remember. Always alone. I arrive at home to find my mother cooking and my father sitting in the living room chair asleep. The usual. After I go to the bathroom and put my school supplies in my room, I go into the kitchen. "I'm home." I say to my mom.
"Thanks for the warning." She says with a slight smile.
"The Rebel Olympic Games were announced today." I say trying to start a conversation.
"I know." She says as if it were nothing.
"The selection is in three days. Hope none of us get selected."
"Yea, I bet." She says without even looking up.
I walk back to my room and climb to the top bunk and lay down. I stare at the roof and imagine life if I were gone. Would anyone care?
My brother George walks in and throws his supplies off to the side. He jumps onto the bottom bunk and takes off his shoes.
"Are you nervous?" I say to him without leaning down.
"Of course! Are you?" He says standing up and looking over my bed so he can see me.
"Scared to death."
It is my first time being put into the selection, as I am only 15. While it is George's last time, as he is 20.
"Oh don't worry about it. I haven't been selected yet, so why do you think you will be?" He asks.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I say.
He doesn't answer and leans back down to his bed.
"Mom and Dad might actually care for once if I do get selected." I mumble.
He doesn't here me, so I roll over and take a quick nap. I snap awake three hours later. It is getting dark outside. And for the second time this week, no one woke me up for dinner. I jump off the bed and walk to the kitchen. Everyone is eating, without me.
"Is there any left?" I ask.
"Yes, your plate is sitting on the counter. Heat it up for 30 seconds." My mom says without turning around. At least she fixed me a plate.
I heat up the delicious looking chicken and sit down at the table next to my young brother Dave, which is 6 and incredibly smart. George is siting across from me by my younger sister, Valerie, which is 5 and also incredibly smart. My dad is at the end of the table to my right and my mom to the left. We sit in silence for what feels like forever, when Dave says, "Tony, what if you get selected?"
I sigh and glare at him, "he just wants to know Tony" my dad says. I look at George, and say "I'd probably die." I say with a shaky voice. A tear begins to fall down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away and compose myself, because in the words of my father, "Crying shows weakness." He told George this when he was 15 and it was his first time in the selection.
Dave begins to cry and Valerie begins to cry because Dave is. My mom glares at me "seriously? Did you have to say that?" She says.
"Every night! This happens every night!" My dad yells.
"Well it's true! Look at me! I am not strong, I am like a toothpick. I don't go outside enough to know what to do to survive either." I yell.
I begin to sob and just walk off. I stomp into the bathroom and sit on the toilet and begin to cry. Our dog Cassie walks into the bathroom and puts her head into my lap. I sit on the floor, hug her and cry. She is a huge German Shepard, so I have a hard time sitting on the floor and hugging her. So I get up, wipe my face off, compose myself, and walk to the kitchen. Dave runs up to me and hugs my leg and says, "If I got selected, I would hide the whole time." I laugh playfully, and Valerie runs up and hugs my other leg and says, "Yea!" Loudly while she smiles this huge ear to ear smile. She is so innocent. I look up to see my mom and dad hugging and smiling at us. George is sitting at the table and trying to ask if I am going to eat mine, but he has a mouth full of food and can barely get a word out. I laugh and tell him no. And he continues to stuff his face while also grabbing my plate.
I squat down and tell Dave and Valerie "If I do get selected, I will do everything I can to come back home." They both smile and run off.
I envy how innocent they are. They have no idea how messed up the real world really is.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi again! Lucrezia here for a review of the revised first chapter, as requested.
This is much better! I was not expecting you to have added so much length and character development to the MC. Both were nice surprises.
It's definitely an intriguing concept. As the reviewer before me noted, be careful it's not too similar to the Hunger Games. Though I haven't read that series, from what I know of it, parts of this did seem a bit reminiscent. Just be careful of the similarities and make sure to "do your own thing" with this for the sake of originality.
Your MC is interesting. I'm eager to know what happens to him. The whole idea, if pulled off correctly, really could make for a great story. The pacing was good, it didn't feel too rushed. All in all, a solid chapter.
Watch out for repetitiveness and maybe, in the future, add in a few more paragraph breaks. Parts of this are kind of like big blocks of text, and that's never fun for the reader.
Nitpicks:
"Everyones" should be "everyone's," with an apostrophe.
Again, an apostrophe is needed with the word "year's."
"At least" is two words.
I believe this would sound better (and make more sense) if you had an "as" before "I do."
Put another comma following "Haley Sims."
Should be written as:
"I am proud to announce that the Rebel Olympic Games will be held in Sector 4, as the rules state: 'Each Rebel Olympic Games shall be held in the Olympiad Region of the sector which produced the last Champion.'
(See how I switched the double quotation marks to singular?)
The S in "she" when writing "she says" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, there should be a comma after "I say" and before "trying to start a conversation."
Change "which" to "who."
Again, "which" should be "who."
This is kind of a mess. I'd change it to:
'I sigh and glare at him.
"He just wants to know, Tony," my dad says.
I look at George and say, in a shaky voice, "I'd probably die."'
Okay, nitpicks aside, this was a very nice chapter. Tony has a good voice, the flow was nice, and as I said before, the concept is quite intriguing.
Good work and keep writing!
Hey Tsholdin, the main thing I want to talk about is the similarities with this and the Hunger games and having you're story from being labeled to derivative. Having a story that is derivative of another story is not necessarily a bad thing but it may discourage a reader from wanting to follow the story. To keep readers interested story you have to absolutely invest in world building. You want to develop a backstory for you're setting because having a good setting is almost as important as having a good character. We've all read the Hunger Games and/or read the books so we all know how things got the way they are. My advice is to devise a reason why your world is they way it is and to give it life to set it apart from the Hunger Games.
I will! Thank you! How do you suggest I do this? Could you message me?
Hey Tsholdin, Subtle here for a review.
So, first of all, welcome to YWS! As soon as I read this, my mind flashed back to the Hunger Games, it seems as if you based your idea off it. With the President, the rebellion and all. However, before we start with the nitpicks. I would like to say that this plot, though somewhat cliché seems to have a good pacing, a good amount of suspense that kept me reading and not abandoned it half way through. So, keep working with this chapter because it has potential to go far.
Structure advice: Alright, first of all. Some warning, I'm being brutally honest here with you, so don't expect sugar on a stick. As a writer, you broke the rule of 'show don't tell' in some places. In some places, you had too much unnecessary info dump and in some places, you had close to no descriptions as to show the emotion in this chapter.
That's a pretty flat opening line there, so everyone just gets out and faces the screen? Try describing the atmosphere in the classroom. Is it tense? Are people biting their lips? We need some emotions in there to make it more realistic.
And here, some word advice. I think majestic might perhaps be a better word, don't you think beautiful is a bit overused nowadays?
You don't know the 'the' before President Crown. We know who he is by now.
The rest, Lucrezia has already pointed out for you.
Overall, good work, I did enjoy reading this chapter. But try working a bit more emotion into your chapters. Best of luck in your future writings and alert me when the next chapter has been written. Hope I wasn't too harsh by the way.
*tips hat*
-S.s
Thank you so much!!!
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.

This was quite good. More than that, this was very intriguing. Since it's pretty short, what mainly interested me was the plot. It's a cool idea, and I'm eager to see where you'll take this.
I don't have much to say because of this piece's length, so I'll get right to the nitpicking.
No need for the S at the end of "and."
"Screen" is repetitive here. Also, "World President Brutus Crown's Rebel Olympic Games Address" is incredibly long and kind of clunky. You might want to change/condense that part a bit to make it easier for the reader.
"Their," not "there."
No need for the comma after "speak."
"Sector" is crazy repetitive here. So is "4," for that matter.
You forgot the quotation marks at the end of "meaningful day"; "an" should be "and"; "years" should be "year's," with an apostrophe.
Change the period at the end of "selected" to a question mark. Also, you might want to write that part in italics rather than quotation marks.
Okay, that's everything. Good job on this. I have a feeling it'll make for quite an awesome story.
Thank you so much!!!!