z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Fallen-Book the First-Chapter One

by AEChronicle


The Calling

You are crazy!” They said. “You will kill yourself!” Words he had taken little heed to. He had not missed a day since, and he would not begin doing so now. It had been a brisk morning, thin sheets of frost covered the leaves, a frozen blanket of the night, but this would soon pass as the morning sun rose above the mountains. A slight breeze drifted down from the northern slopes, but it was very mild in comparison to the blast of the past weeks and months. Yes, if it was to be, it must happen today. His dreams had told him as much. But who was he to decide when?

He turned and looked at the temporary village his people had erected. Forced from their homelands.

Everything burned.

His tired eyes drifted up to the peak, very distant, yet, not so far as one would think.

Yes, his legs had one more in them. With stick in hand and his shawl pulled tight against his shoulders, he paced his steps up the shallow road. But after only a few moments he was interrupted, though not, this time, by any concerned relatives.

Granda, where are you going?” The little voice called. Skipping over to him, she looked up at him with pearly eyes.

So sweet.

So tender.

This was his legacy. Her small frame was covered in a thick plush, gray and light, speckled with brown spots. Her pointed ears completed the cat-like features, just like his. “No where in particular, my child.” And he must protect it. Pointing up the path that wound through the river bottom, around the Tesapeake hills, and up to the top of Mount Esvril, he rested a hand on her shoulder. “You see this road, it leads into the eternities. That is where I am going, someday.” He answered, somberly with eyes cast down-wards.

May I come?”

The question, surprisingly, surprised him. No one had ever accompanied him on his walks, yet….

I’m not sure, I do not know if your mother would approve of it?” he told her. “And besides, it is a long walk, and your legs are very short, so I….” Her beautiful smile slowly drooped and her eyes misted over. “I…” Why not? “You may come.” He finally said after a tense moment of contemplation. His mind continued to tell him of all the reasons why she should not go.

But no, her young mind could not possibly alter the vision, if there was to be one. And his heart deeply yearned for companionship this day. Straightening his frame he turned and began walking. She slipped her small hand in his, and he smiled inside.

For some time they walked, her asking questions all the while. “Why is the grass so red?” “How come the bird taps his head against the tree?” So young, so naive. How he longed to return to that state, to be unaware of the reality of things, to be shielded from pain. He sighed. Such was not the way, and he would do good to keep from brooding over what once was.

Soon, though, her questions and quick pace had tired his frail body out.

Come come, my child, and rest awhile, I do say you have the energy of a Farling.” He said to her, easing himself onto a suitable looking rock. She laughed as she pictured the flighty little creature bouncing about on its short legs.

Don’t be silly Granda, I can’t climb the ceiling.”

Oh ho, I would suppose not.”

And I can’t stick my tongue out that far, see.” Her mouth opened wide and she flicked her tongue out with all her might. With it still pushed out past her lips she began to explain many more reasons why she was unlike the forenamed creature. He laughed brightly and put a finger to his lips.

Shh, be still my child. Nature cannot teach you anything when you are thinking that fast.”

Confused, the child fell quite. Picking her up and setting her beside him on the rock, he looked down at the babbling brook that flowed at their feet. You see,” He continued. “The world has much to tell us, if we are willing to listen. Take the river, for instance. Hear how it tinkles over the rocks? It is trying to tell us that spring is on its way. Can you hear it?” He looked down at her, but she was paying no attention to him or the brook, but rather, looking off in the distance.

My girl, what is it that you are looking at?”

There, Granda, on the hill.” She said, pointing. He followed her finger, and gasped. Standing amidst the blazing red grass atop a small knoll, in full glory of the early sunrise, a brilliant white object tossed its regal head. Tall and thin, it’s form bespoke beauty and perfection. It’s powerfully delicate legs rooted into the ground, arched neck elevating a perfectly symmetrical head, and adorned with a large rack of twisted horns. Green and blue tendrils of matter radiated from it, reacting in a brilliant display of lights as it touched the grass below and the sky above. It’s bright pink nostrils lightly twitched, sniffing the air. All the while, the child and the elder looked on, elated at what they were seeing. The former, captivated by the beauty, the latter, stunned and amazed at the events that could only transpire in the coming moments. Long had he dreamed about this time, yet, never had he thought it possible, and yet….

The kingly animal had now been watching them for some time, seemingly just as intrigued by their presence. The little one stood, and began walking towards the beast. Quickly reaching out a hand, he said to her, “Child, be still, we must not disturb it.” No sooner had he said so then a voice rang through the trees, as if carried on the very wind itself.

Why should she not come? There is no darkness in her that can pervert the light. Come, my child, and may it be well with you.”

Releasing her from his tired grasp, he stood and watched as she quickly scampered up the hill to the animal. Once there, she froze for a moment. Was this to touch? Or could her hands taint the perfection that was before her? As if in answer to her questions, the beast stepped forward, and reached out its nose, placing it in the center of her palm. The warmth of it filled her body and mind. Her mouth which was so often moving was still. There was no need to speak, there was only, peace.

Complete.

Utter.

He felt it as well, and for a moment, the world faded away. But the sensation quickly vanished as he realized the importance and reason for this glorious vision. Before he could speak, the voice came again.

My child, you have many questions. All of them, I cannot answer, but I fear that it would do you no good, even if I was able. The time has arrived, he is coming, and I require your assistance.”

A blur of motion later, and the animal was standing before him. The words now came directly from its mouth. “Far to long has this world waited in the shadows, the purging is at hand.”

I…do you mean to say that…I don’t understand.”

It is not for you to understand. You have done your duty well, and your time has come to join me in my halls.”

Well, I suppose that you are right, I have grown weary, these long years have taken their toll on my mind and it no longer works as well as I should like. I can perform the ceremony tomorrow if that is what you wish?”

The animal exhaled deeply and its breath stirred the trees. “Shomech,” It said, calling him by name for the first time. “Now.”

What, now? But, the child, and my people? I cannot just abandon them in this time of need.”

I understand your plight, but it is not for you to decide. I give to you a promise now, that because of your faithfulness, the child and your people will live to see the end, whatever it may be. Please, understand, I do not wish any of this upon you or them, but such is the way of life. It must be.”

Shomech bowed his head and nodded. “If it is what you wish, then I must obey. I only ask that you look after her, she is all that I have left.”

I shall.”

Then, I suppose there is nothing left to do.” Bending down, he took up his walking stick, and held it out to the child. The old wood was worn smooth as silk. It’s intricate features wound up its length, ending in a knot which was twisted, formed into the abstract shape of antlers.

Tarallis, I entrust this to you, the last of my blood. You may not understand any of this, but you will, one day. I…I must go now, you understand?”

She shook her head.

Why, Granda, go where? I can come with you, my legs may be short, but I can run fast.”

No, my dear, you must stay here.” Rising, he released the stick. The beast nudged him with its nose, and they both turned down the lane and walked off, leaving the child behind, confused and frightened, a tear escaping her eye. The last thing she saw and heard of them was her grandfather’s sobbing, and the rustling of the animals breath.

Then they vanished.

- - - - - - - - - -

If you're interested in reading more than please continue. If you're tired of reading it in the browser, you can go to my blog and download the current PDF version which has everything I've uploaded so far at: http://aechronicle.wordpress.com/the-fallen/


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303 Reviews


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StoneHeart wrote a review...



. . . Hey AE, Black here for some feedback -If you're interested.

Now, before I post this I wanna tell you that I'm not out to attack you > so if I'm a bit harsh, don't take it personally (I'm just trying to give you a hand). People just take serious reviews wrong sometimes.

To start: I've got to say, this is a pretty interesting story world you have here -though that's nothing peculiar for a fantasy story- and I'm very interested where you go with it. Your characters are pretty neat to, and you do a little girl and an old man quite well. This god/ spirit of theirs has a nice godly/ spiritly attitude which does him well. Your style frame is fairly decent, but could use some work (can't help you there). Your grammar and spelling could ask for more (and I'll see if I can suggest anything). Overall this was a pretty decent piece. I was able to read it and enjoy it, at least, and that's what counts.

But you appear to have forgotten something: Writing is a craft and an art, not building with bricks. And if you could write by building with bricks -all rough and hard- then that'd be what you'd do.

Reading this piece I would assume two things about you -one of which I'm sure is incorrect, and one of which I'm not quite sure about. First: You're probably relatively young. Second: You're not too used to the English language. These, chances are, are incorrect, but they're the only explanation I have for your problems.

Look at this (My comments may look like nit-picking but I'm gonna overview afterwards).

A blur of motion later, and the animal was standing before him. The words now came directly from its mouth. “Far to long has this world waited in the shadows, the purging is at hand.”


A few things about this paragraph. Time doesn't pass in 'blurs of motion' -and if you used the right words the grammar would be mutilated. The same persons words come from the same mouth all the time, if you want to introduce an animal speaking, then do it more directly. You should have used a semi-colon instead of that last comma.

Now all of these here mistakes have something in common -something interesting to me. They're all language problems. You're misusing the language is what you're doing. The last problem may have just been ignorance, but the first two weren't (by the way, this was a random paragraph -your writing is littered with the misuses).

Solution? I have a couple of suggestions. First: You need to read some real peer-reviewed, published books by real authors. Look through a few of them and find one of them who's style you'd like to imitate. Don't worry; your style will be unique no matter what you do, but you need to base your style off of SOMETHING. Look how other people form their sentences, what words they use. Try to find a style you like, and can try to work with.

Your other problem is that you are rather confusing. No reader should ever have to re-read a piece to figure out what's going on. That should never, never, never ever happen in any situation. Now, this happens with everyone when they haven't re-read their piece and worked through it.

I have two suggestions. A: Wait for a few months until you can really see your problem. B: Get someone to work through it on WFP with you. Don't bother looking through it now. Your piece here is too fresh in your mind for you to be able to edit it well. Wait a bit, or get some specific, on-site help.

Hope I helped.

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me, I'll get back to you sooner or later.


~Black~






Also, watch it. You're getting close to sending your story to cliche land with your style of writing old-time-style. Remember: If your character's are in another world, why shouldn't they have another style of talking?



AEChronicle says...


If you want to bash so much on someone's work, and their writing career, and their life, you better have some good stuff to say as well, otherwise it's just rude.





. . .

I didn't mean to 'bash' you. But I warned you, I'm here to tear.



AEChronicle says...


Then go tear your own heart out and stop trying to offend people. That's not what this site is about, it's about building people up so they can be better writers. You're not a professional Editor editing a professional book. And most of what you've said isn't actually pointing out any real mistakes in my work, it's all just pointing out things that you were confused on or had a different opinion on. Oh, sorry, I forgot about the one comma that should be a semi-colon, excuse me.





. . .

You're excused.



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deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This is a breathtaking piece. It was easy to picture, flowed perfectly, overall just spectacular. I can't nitpick the storyline at all. So, I'll just do the boring technical stuff. ;)

Skipping up to him she looked up at him with pearly eyes.


This didn't sound quite right to me. I'd change it to:

'Skipping over, she looked up at him with pearly eyes.'

That is where I am going, someday.” He answered, somberly with eyes cast down-wards.


The H in "he" doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the comma should come after "somberly," not before.

“I’m not sure, I do not know if your mother would approve of it?” He told her.


Again, that H should be lowercase, and I don't think the question mark is necessary.

Confused, the child fell quite.


"Quiet," not "quite."

Long had he dreamed about this time, yet, never had he thought it possible, and yet….


"Yet" is repetitive.

“Far to long has this world waited in the shadows"


"Too," not "to."

Other than that, this really is an amazing piece. Great work and keep writing! :D




AEChronicle says...


Thanks for pointing out the grammatical errors, I always forget to check those. But in the case of,

%u201CI%u2019m not sure, I do not know if your mother would approve of it?%u201D He told her,

I placed the question mark there on purpose. He's half telling her, and half asking himself at the same time.



AEChronicle says...


And all that weird stuff is supposed to be quote marks and apostrophes, sorry :)



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Dragoon120 wrote a review...



Brilliant story!
I love how it created a visual, and how you just described everything. I felt like I was there, and there was a perfect mixture of dialogue and overall description. I would very much like to read what comes next! :)
I saw no problems in it, and it flowed from one paragraph into the next splendidly! Again, I'd love to read what comes next! :)




AEChronicle says...


I'll be posting the next chapter once I get the bugs worked out of it. When I try to convert it from a Scrivener document to a PDF, it flips out.

And thanks for the review.




If you have a Kuzco in your life and they don't turn into a llama, bail.
— Alan SeaWright