Rough story idea came to me. And got out of bed to put this down so far. :)
Darkness. Total darkness surrounded him. It was difficult to go against every natural instinct and relax submerged in icy cold water in the pitch black. For Elijah it was necessary in order to pass his third test. He had to drown. This test was much more difficult than the other two as it was entirely down to him. His mind wandered to his previous tests wishing this was as easy as his first passing through, earth. He never even knew what was coming. He entered the stone circle for his first Whisper on his sixteenth birthday and all of a sudden darkness, for a few moments anyway, it turned out that in order to become a whisperer to the earth he had to be crushed. In order to master these elements Whisperers had to be overcome by it. Crushed for earth, flew through the air, drowned for water and of course, burned for fire.
His mind struggled to focus on much else other than the water swirling around and the burning in his lungs. Underwater sound was relatively muffled but he could have sworn it was steadily growing quieter. Out of nowhere numbness began to encroach on him from all sides like a warm blanket, from his fingers and toes, creeping through his limbs and into his chest. He had to stay relaxed otherwise it wouldn’t work. A group of silver bubbles escaped his lips and he watched them weave their way up into the shadow above him. As everything began to fade away he felt peaceful and let the water finally overcome himself.
Light worked its way between his eyelids and carefully Elijah peeked out of one eye. To his right he could see the pool and its deep dark water lapping at the sides as if it was grasping for him, trying to take back what it claimed a few moments ago. Above him was the light streaming in through the arched windows in warm beams. And to his were the left the familiar whiskers and black nose of his Faerie companion Sophia. A pink tongue emerged from beneath the black nose and licked his cheek...
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, a pretty intense sounding start there, lots of darkness and just generally pretty crazy imagery there to get this thing off the ground here, definitely manages to get your attention right away here in the beginning of this story. It looks like we have a bit of a elemental magic system of sorts here with a really interesting mechanic. Having to be fully overcome by an element to be able to master it seems like quite a catch there...and an interesting way to get a sort of balance to the system here. I'm certainly intrigued by this premise here.
Well, that's not a bad description of drowning there cause that does appear to be what is going on here...I daresay it does appear to at least reflect having been underwater for a long while with the numbness and the feeling of things going quieter and the bubbles floating to the surface also indicates sort of him running out of breath...but well, the pain that comes with drowning and having one's lungs fill up water and not having oxygen is absent here....so...that's an interesting detail to show how this is perhaps different from genuine drowning cause this simply appears to be some sort of activation process for his elemental powers here.
Okay...interesting point to end on, at any rate it does look like this person did survive the whole process although the sudden appearance of this companion is an interesting thing to end on here...at any rate, a solid looking start here, it seems like a story that I would read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there! First of all, I think that you could put the:
"
"Rough story idea came to me. And got out of bed to put this down so far.
In italics or bold and put some little pattern beneath just to separate it from the text more, as at first i thought that that was your first two sentences. xD
Right, onto the work!
I couldn't see anything that other writers had pointed out already to improve on, but I still found this rather intriguing and very interesting.
The last line is powerful, but you could maybe add more. Like how they reacted to their cheek being licked. Just in two words, to round it off more
I can't suggest anything else, but good work!
-CFG
Thanks CFG I definitely plan on carrying on with this
and expanding it all.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
Teenie-weenie technical thing on the formatting. I'd recommend putting an "A/N:" in front, and italicize.
You need a comma after "relax."
Another comma needed, except this time after "Elijah."
Weird word choice there. I'd recommend changing "down" to "up." That's what I was expecting.
Misplaced comma there. It needs to be after "first."
And, that's where I'll stop on fine-tuning technical. I realize this was a late-night write, so there's going to be minor issues.
Content:
I know this was spur of the moment, but I need more on these Whisperers. What exactly do you mean by them mastering the elements? How do they master them? What abilities do they have (besides perhaps an immunity of some sorts to death by these elements) once they've mastered the elements?
And besides being a cute companion, what do Faeries do?
I need more information to know exactly how to help you. So obviously I'm going to tell you to write more. However, from this little snippet, I have no idea what (or where) your plot is, besides the standard "Protagonist must successfully complete tasks/tests set before them by their elders." So let me know when you have more up!
Hope this helps!
Thanks for that Knight Dragon. I do plan on writing a lot more of this storyline so I will expand on many of the points you mentioned and I will definitely get into more detail about the Whisperers and the Faeries. Thank you.
Hello, love! I'd just like to say that you could definitely go somewhere with this. You have a lot of grammar and spelling errors, but since you said you got out of bed to write this (and I applaud you for that; I myself am too lazy.), I'll skip over that. If you want me to, reply with that and I do it
.
First off, unless this is meant to be a Prologue (which, by experience are vague and confusing), I'd add a little bit of exposition. I like the elemental magic reference. I'd also like to add that many people believe that there is a fifth element, something like 'spirit'. Its entirely your choice whether to add that or not, though, love. I would just like to say though, as for the willfully drowning part; it is humanly impossible to not struggle unless you are physically incapable. Its like trying to hold your breath until you die; your body will force you to breathe, or if you have exceptional willpower, you'll pass out and breathe. same fore water.
You mention that he has done two tests before. Which two? You say he is crushed. What else?
Again, as you got out of bed, I'm guessing you just wrote what you could think of.
It's great, and the storyline draws me in. This could definitely go somewhere, love. (though you probably thought that, otherwise, why post it?)
Keep persisting. (its not a word, but oh well.)
I overuse the word love and smiley faces. I know. Forgive me
Evilly,
Aurora
Aurora, thanks for the advice.
I did think about the whole spirit aspect but struggled to come up with a way for Elijah to work with it and a test for it. As for the 'willful drowning' I could have added something about him being weighed down to the bottom or something. Just a thought. Thanks again.