Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I don’t remember the first day I officially met Xavier Flynn. He certainly did though that was for sure. He always said that we met at my friend, Alice’s, house party. I do remember getting to the party. The first thing I did was hit the shots. And you know what they say; curiosity killed the cat. Alice knew something was up. Not just from the shots but from the hesitation to actually make an appearance. Earlier that day, I was dumped by my boyfriend-at-the-time, Norman. He kind of caught the eye of another. The saddest part about it was that eye belonged to another guy who was actually a guy who lived in the same apartment blocks as me.
He tried being nice about it but you know what they say;
Being nice gets you nowhere in life.
I didn’t tell Alice. I was afraid that if I spoke about it I would maybe have an anxiety attack or something. An anxiety attack was not part of my plans for that night. All I wanted was to go have a few drinks with Alice.
When Alice started getting curious, I had consumed 2. I was still sober. I remember having a nice chat with a guy there named ‘Taco’. I don’t even know if he was being for real or not but he was nice. He had a great sense of humor. But Alice dragged me away up into her bedroom. There was a couple in her room and it took two attempts in order to actually get them to leave.
Alice questioned me about my behaviour. I swore. But still I kept my mouth shut. To make matters worse she was ‘admiring’ my casual outfit. My outfit was casual but there was nothing wrong with it. I was wearing a black vest top with a grey knitted cardigan with black skinny jeans and red converse. She pulled a few outfits out from her wardrobe. I didn’t want to look like a whore. I said no to everything she pulled out. After a while of convincing, though, she managed to get me into a navy jumper which had one sleeve hanging down my shoulder. I was also wearing black shorts and black heels and some jewellery. It sounded like a pretty decent outfit, right?
WRONG!
I couldn’t walk in those damn heels. She also made me wear stockings to add a ‘sexy’ touch to the outfit. I wanted to die. I was just glad to get downstairs to those shots again.
After 4 more shots and a glass of whiskey later, I was drunk. The last thing I remember was talking to Taco whilst drinking the whiskey. I think we were talking about our fears. He was scared of the dark. I said I was also afraid of the dark. And that was that.
The next day I went home with the worst head ache ever. It was a Sunday meaning I didn’t have to go to work. Basically I slept like 50% of the day and tried to sleep 40% of the day. I spent the other 10% eating. For dinner I had beans on toast. That beans on toast took much effort to make.
The next day, I went to work. I work in a general store around the corner from where I live. I barely got paid but as long as I got some amount of money I was happy. Taco came in to buy a tooth brush. We also had a little chat. He filled me in on what happened at the party.
Basically this is his side of what happened;
After a while of chatting, I got another whiskey and vodka. We started a discussion about who was better. Snow Patrol or Coldplay? This small discussion turned into a whole group debate with all these people I didn’t even know. At one point in the debate, I was going to be sick so I ran off. Then after like an hour and a half, he saw me dancing on top of a table to a Gary Glitter song like a whore. Alice pulled me down from the table. Ten minutes later, he found me playing shots games with random people at a table. Games ranging from the ‘let’s-all-drink-shots-from-this-hoe’s-body’ game to the ‘next-time-MJ-says-hehe-take-a-shot’ game. One of the guys there had his arm around me. We kissed occasionally. Then he found me passed out on the couch where people where balancing cups on my head. He then took me up to a spare room to rest properly in.
As he explained all of this I held my face in my hand with embarrassment. It was so much to take in. I was laughing on the outside after he had told me. But on the inside I was so embarrassed.
To make matters worse that day, Alice showed up to my house an hour after I got out of work. She had brought my clothes she took from me the night of the party. Whilst she was there, though, she decided to tell me more about what happened at the party.
Basically, she saw me run from Taco and the group of debaters’ holder my stomach with one hand and me mouth with the other. My cheeks looked like balloons. I bolted to the bathroom. Not wanting to see me vomit she just giggled and continued to chat to the cute guy wearing tight jeans. An hour later, she had the cute guys number and decided to search for me. She actually found me in the strangest of places. I was in the back garden in her shed with a guy. I was relieved when she told me we never actually did anything. I was sitting on the dirty ground beside this guy crying like a four year old. From my slurred words to him she gathered that I was telling this random guy about Norman. I had my arms thrown around him. I was wailing like a drunken mess of a woman. He also had his arms around me and was rubbing my back. She had seen enough and went back inside. 30 minutes later, I stood atop a table whilst they were playing Do you wanna touch me there by Gary Glitter. She pulled me down before I could get to the stripping in which I declared to everyone I was about to do. We had an argument in the hall and I stormed off into the kitchen where I sat with a group of guys including the one from the shed.
That was basically what happened that night. And the guy from the shed was important. That was Xavier.
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Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.
Nice ending.
This is a fun, surprisingly realistic piece you have here. The narrator was interesting from the get-go, and the whole story from start to finish was written deliciously. I honestly think this would make a killer novel, or a three-part short story perhaps. It leaves the reader wanting more.
That said, I did find a few little nitpicks.
This is kind of clunky and just doesn't flow right. I'd suggest changing it to:
'Earlier that day, I was dumped by my boyfriend, Norman. He caught the eye of another. The saddest part was, that eye belonged to a guy. One who lived in the same apartment block as me.'
Or something like that.
Should be:
'He tried being nice about it, but you know what they say: Being nice gets you nowhere in life.'
But this part isn't even necessary, so you could also just drop it entirely from the story.
Since you already used the word "embarrassment," I'd change the "embarrassed" on the end there to "mortified." That way it doesn't sound repetitive.
Should be:
'Basically, she saw me run from Taco and the group of debaters, holding my stomach with one hand and my mouth with the other.'
"Guys" should be spelled "guy's," with an apostrophe.
I believe "30" is supposed to be written as "thirty."
Other than that, this is a really great story. I hope you'll continue it. Awesome work! ^_^
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
I'm not sure what I'd like changed in this sentence, but as is, it's a run-on sentence and needs to be fixed.
Typo. It should be "block" instead of "blocks."
I'd advise adding a comma between "it" and "but", and change that semi-colon to a colon or a dash.
You need a comma after "Sunday."
You definitely need to use more commas overall in this piece. This sentence should have a comma after "paid," "but," and another after "money."
Slight typo. You want "holding," not "holder."
You need an apostrophe on "guys," so it reads "guy's."
[/quote][/quote]
Technical note: numbers in numerical form never start sentences. That should be "Thirty."
On another note, you have this marked as a 'short story,' but this reads more like the prologue or opening chapter of a novel. Are you planning on writing more?
Hope this helps!
Great work. Your main character was interesting as a narrator and I enjoyed listening to her. I don't normally read romance, but yours is one that I enjoyed.
I seriously think you need to make it into a full length novel (or at least add a few more chapters). There was a lot of stuff that you need to go into more detail with e.g you said the guy from the shed was important because he is a vampire named Xavier, but never went into detail.
While this read more like a prologue than a short story it was enjoyable and I think you should continue it.