Paralleled - [chapter one]

Hey, Ravenboy
Here as requested~

Very nice start we have here. A cliff hanger to end, I see. Always a good tactic~ I'm just going to dive in.

It was long, so very long that they have denied me when a quiet

Denied her what? I think you might be missing a word.

“You aren’t the type that goes running into a boy’s arms
...
he would do the same as I struggled out of nightmares and memories that would not tear free

Later on it sounds like she runs into his arms quite a lot... Make sure your characterization is consistent

His tone was jokey but there was a underlying tone of truth to it. Which is why, I cannot fail.

-Jokey sounds a little awkward. Maybe teasing or light?
-I would try not to use tone so close together in the same sentence. Maybe you should even try to rearrange things a bit. Like this, "His tone was light, but it rang with truth." That's not perfect, but you get the idea.
-Lastly, her thoughts are a little disconcerting in the paragraph with his dialogue. I thing a paragraph break would be helpful there.

Those were all the nitpicks I could find that weren't covered by other reviewers.

I have to agree with JohnLocke. This chapter does seem like a skeleton. What I really want is to see the setting. Even if it's in complete darkness, surely she sees a glimpse of something when the messenger girl opens the door. This would also make the movement of the characters clearer. Where is Carina in relation to the door the messenger girl came through, in relation to the council? How big is the room? What kind of floor is under her feet? Are there multiple doors? How does Rai get in?
I kinda feel like I'm floating in nothingness right now. The dark is a challenge that can be circumvented. Use her other senses to tell us what's going on.

I also want a little background. Of course, you have to be careful not to infodump, but just a little on what the council controls, and how Carina knows Rai. I mean, we're dropped in the black room- literally - and I'm waiting for that light to flick on to allow me to see where I am. That light's still off.

So... I'm very intrigued with this council. That alone makes me want to delve deeper. Who are these people? Are they good or bad? What purpose do they serve? All of this, I'm sure is going to be answered later on. I'm still waiting to know your characters, but I love the succeed or die ultimatum you have going on.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.
Let me know when the next chapter is out.
Megs~

Hello, my friend.

First, might I say that your writing is magnificent. You have a defined, comfortable voice from which you write, giving power to your words and your story. Your writing is very entertaining to read, and I thank you for sharing this story with us.

Second, some grammatical things:

I guess it was just a rumour when they said The Council would joke all day and eat roasted pig for every hour of the day.

Let me say that your grammar is very, very good. This were simply small things I came across after combing through paragraph after paragraph with a literary microscope. You misspelled "rumor." Yeah, that's how small these are.

Far in the distance, I could hear the distance bell of the Church ricocheting throughout the town.

I think you meant "distant."

“Carina of Izar, why should we believe based on a mere parchment of paper? How do know this is not a trap?”

I think you left out a word, "How do we know this is..."

I only ask of you all today, to allow me a chance to arrest this outlaw and bring justice to this country and its people.

I am not sure whether the comma in this sentence is necessary grammatically or stylistically.

A young girl, no older than fifteen with flowing brown hair entered the room carrying a frayed piece of parchment.

I am not a grammar master, but I believe you either need to remove that comma or add a second one to make this sentence grammatically correct. The clause that you have created with the comma isn't complete, therefore you need another comma to create a second clause and finish out the first. I think.

But the human had a familiar shape, a familiar smell and I squinted through the dark and finally realised it was Raivius.

You misspelled "realized."

“Wait, wait. Hang on.” He paused again, concert in his eyes as he questioned me “I am coming with you, right?”

"...eyes as he questioned me. "I am coming..." I think that period is needed for the quotation.

His tone was jokey but there was a underlying tone of truth to it. Which is why, I cannot fail.

"...there was an underlying tone..." A misspelled word.

He didn’t even try to disguise the distain in his voice.

A misspelled word. "Disdain."

Both wincing as a beam of bright sunlight beat down at us, we blinked several times to adjust to our eyesight and at the same time being bombarded pungent floral perfume from a trio of girls dressed like peacocks.

"...at the same time being bombarded by pungent..." I think you forgot a word here.

These were all very small, nit-picky things. Do not worry about grammar, please.

Third, some stylistic suggestions:

I have begun issuing this warning before this section: I will say "flow" a lot and you will be annoyed to no end. Ok, now let's get to it.

I guess it was just a rumour when they said The Council would joke all day and eat roasted pig for every hour of the day.

Placing the word "day" twine in the sentence in this way disrupted the flow of your language and forced some form of bulkiness upon your words. "...eat roasted pig for every hour of the day..." was simply a mouthful and didn't fit with the sentence to me.

They are waiting for me to say something but I’m wordless for once as I stand before the Council of Cygnus.

Keep your tenses straight, "They were waiting for me to say something, but I was wordless for once as I stood before the Council of Cygnus." Something like that, to keep the past tense alive and well.

Carina of Izar, why should we believe based on a mere parchment of paper?

Either it's parchment or it's paper. A "parchment of paper" does not seem to exist. Unless it does in your world. If that is the case, forgive me. I didn't mean "your world" like a pretentious thing. I meant the world of your story.

You and I both know the handwriting and the signature is undoubtedly the one who caused The Great Fire.

When I first read this, I thought, "Oh my! This world is so cool! Signatures can start fires!" Sorry. I know I'm not funny. I would say something about the handwriting and signature belonging to the person who caused "The Great Fire."

She set it down before the quintet before quietly exiting the room and shutting the door soundlessly.

Simply a suggestion for flow's sake, but I would not repeat the word "before." These are only suggestions, of course. Your writing will always be fantastic.

Gasping silently to the rapid beat of my heart, straightening up once again I took a step back as another human invaded the room.

This sentence was all over the place inside my mind, forgive the phrase. I don't know, but it doesn't seem right. I would just look it over. If it sounds right to you, then ignore me.

But the human had a familiar shape, a familiar smell and I squinted through the dark and finally realised it was Raivius.

To help this section flow better, chop it up a bit. Try, "But the human had a familiar shape, a familiar smell. I squinted through the dark..." Something in that line. It is only a suggestion, though. I just find the "and" to be unnecessary and bulky.

Other than those few suggestions, your style of writing is wonderful. Splendid, my friend.

Fourth, your characters.

Your points of characterization for Carina were sparse. Carina rarely thought or spoke in a way that reflected, I'm sorry if I am wrong about the gender, her personality. I know that this is the first chapter, but I still felt as though you presented opportunities for Carina to grow stronger as a character, yet you passed them. I do not know what you have in store for Carina, but I hope to see more depth and thoughtful world view. How the character sees the world, how the character interacts with the world, is how the reader draws power from a story. We want to relate, but I have yet to feel that from Carina. It is never too early to build a strong character.

Although Rai came in late to the chapter, I felt as though he was the stronger character. I was able to see who he was, if only a bit. That bit is what I want to see from Carina. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense.

Fifth, your plot.

Now, I usually spend my time with fantasy stories talking about the world that the author has created. Detail. Detail. Detail. However, the way you have set up your story, I do not think that I have to say that. You began your story at a point of drama. There was no build up. The story simply begins with drama. That is why I think immense detail is not needed in this chapter. It seems though you are writing the story simply from the eyes' of your protagonist. Your protagonist knows its world. Do you see what I'm saying? Unless it was your intention to add detail. If so, forgive me. Other than that, your plot was moving. A very well written first chapter.

Overall, I am unsatisfied. I felt as though this chapter was a skeleton. I see your writing, and I know there can be more. Therefore, I challenge you: go deeper. Unleash yourself upon this story and see what it does. I liked this chapter. I truly did. However, you could make me love it. You are an amazing writer. Absolutely phenomenal. So, I know you can go further than this. I see it in your words. Please, go further. Happy Writing!

That was so incredibly written! I loved it! Really looking forward to more, I'm serious!
I especially love how you let the reader enter into your story in the middle, effecitively creating suspense and giving us the need to read more in order to find out. I felt like I was being dragged deeper and deeper into this world that I know nothing of, these characters' pasts and personalities that I want to get to know and love and I thought I was reading a published book. Of course, it's quite strange at the end still not knowing anything but I still like that you did that because now I have to read the next bit.
Your attention to detail is great, I loved how you gave tiny descriptions here and there which slowly formed Rai, for example, inside my mind.

breathed in his minted smell.

alto tone smoothing as always

sable black eyes searched mine

However about the descriptions, maybe, since in fact this world is unknown to us, you could describe more of the Council in itself or the room so we can get an idea of the setting.

The most important thing I wanted to say was already said below, be careful with your use of tense. I mess up all the time too!

Oh, and that ending>>>