z

Young Writers Society


12+

Luck Doesn't Always Come In Threes (ch. 2)

by dragonrider


Chapter 2:

“Doctor Johnson!” Jesus shouted.

Charlie stopped mid step and turned as Jesus Rodriguez, a fellow sergeant and friend of Charlie’s, strolled up to him. His scrubs were gently flapping with every movement. Charlie and Jesus were sharp contrasts to each other. Jesus had wavy black hair, high cheekbones, a few day old beard, and tanned Latino skin. He had slightly yellowed teeth from years of smoking. He was a few years younger than Charlie, but remained single. Charlie and Jesus did share similar

qualities. They both had dark brown eyes, similar heights, and serious personalities.

Charlie raised an expectant eyebrow and replied, “Yes?”

“You’re needed in room two.” Jesus declared.

Charlie nodded and followed Jesus.

“Are you worried?” Charlie questioned.

Jesus remained silent for several seconds, “Yes. Are you?”

Charlie paused, “Yes.”

“Do you have a back-up plan?” Jesus interrogated.

Charlie clenched his jaw, “I will. Do you have one?”

“A last resort,” Jesus announced. “I’ll tell you later.”

Charlie frowned then shrugged, “You can tell me on Friday after dinner.”

Jesus nodded. Room two came into view and they hurried inside.

“Rise and shine, lassie!” Jamie shouted while pushing aside the curtains and allowing sunlight to envelop Jenny’s room. “Are ye a zombie, are ye? School is starting in a week. Ye can’t be sleeping in until noon!”

Jenny pulled the blanket further up her head, “I can try my best.”

Jamie began to swear in Gaelic and stomped off. Jenny relaxed for a moment and briefly drifted back into sleep. A moment later, a bucket of freezing water was dumped all over Jenny. She leapt out of bed, gasping and shivering at Jaime’s feet.

“Don’t make me hurt ye, lass. Now get up!” Jamie threatened then left.

Still shivering, Jenny stood up and changed. She shook her head and sighed when she noticed how soaked her bed was.

“Thanks mum,” She murmured to herself.

Jenny left her room and entered the kitchen. She immediately noticed that Jamie was cooking eggs.

“How did ye sleep, Jenny?” Jamie questioned, acting innocent.

“I slept well until I woke up,” Jenny replied, shaking water out of her ear.

“That is great to hear. Ah—the eggs are ready,” Jamie commented, placing the eggs on a plate.

“Cool. I’m starving,” Jenny remarked, reaching for the plate.

Jamie whacked Jenny’s hand with a spatula, “Make ye own damn eggs, will ye? I’m not the pope or ye maid.”

Jenny grinned and teased, “You can’t possibly eat all of those eggs. I’ll help you finish most—uh

some of it.”

Jamie growled, “I’m not one of those really thin supermodels on the television, girl. I will eat all of

the eggs that I want. If ye even touch my plate with ye pinkie finger, I will destroy ye. Now if ye want to eat, get ye arse in gear, and make ye own damn food. ”

Jenny smiled, threw her hands in the air in defeat, and settled on drinking orange juice.

“Are ye excited about starting high school?” Jamie questioned.

“Um…I’m a bit nervous,” Jenny confessed.

“Don’t sweat it. Ye will be just fine…But listen closely, girl. If I find a love bite on ye skin or catch ye bumming a smoke, ye life will permanently end. Understand?” Jamie warned.

“Sounds groovy.” Jenny noted.

“Hey, ye are not getting pregnant at 18 like I did.” Jamie asserted.

“You ended up with a fairy tale ending.” Jenny retorted.

“My story is not over until the last word is written, Jenny. My story is not even half way finished.

For all I know, I could have a terrible ending. Besides, I hate fairy tales.”

“I think you and da have a very romantic story.” Jenny uttered.

“A hard one,” Jaime interjected.

“That’s why it’s so good!” Jenny stressed. “It was love at first sight. Despite your young ages and

your differences and your hardships—sorry for that by the way—you two managed to stay strong together over the years. I think it’s truly amazing. A perfect love story.”

“Nothing’s perfect,” Jamie corrected. “And it was hardly love at first sight.”

The door opened then slammed.

“ALTHOUGH, ye da did have no self-esteem and started worshipping me! IN FACT, he would wallow in his room by himself when I wasn’t around!” Jamie shouted.

“I DID WHAT NOW?” Charlie demanded. His voice was slightly muffled from the distance.

Jaime and Jenny sniggered as Charlie entered the room.

“Nothing, darling. I was just telling Jenny how ye life was worthless without me.” Jamie informed.

“Is that so?” Charlie questioned, mussing Jenny’s wet hair.

“Yes, isn’t it obvious?” Jamie asked, pretending to examine her fingernails as if she was bored.

“You really want to go there?” Charlie investigated.

“Go where?” Jamie inquired, placing the eggs on a plate.

“You really want to go there?” Charlie repeated.

“Feed me some grapes, will ye?” Jamie told him.

Swiftly and abruptly, Charlie leaned forward and snatched Jamie’s plate. Jamie narrowed her eyes as Charlie grabbed a fork. He stabbed it through an egg and slowly lifted it toward his open mouth.

Jamie crept forward, “Let’s not do anything rash.”

The fork came closer to Charlie’s mouth.

“If ye eat my eggs, I’ll leave ye,” Jamie thundered.

“Good thing we’re not married,” Charlie said.

Without any more hesitation, Charlie shoveled in all of the eggs.

Jamie smirked with her arms folded across her chest, “Satisfied?”

“America one, Scotland zero,” Charlie retorted, his mouth full.

“Really?” Jamie interrogated.

Charlie nodded.

“How are the eggs?” Jamie queried.

“Great,” Charlie answered.

“Swallow them then,” Jamie instructed.

Charlie paused, still chewing, “Give me a moment. I’m just, just enjoying all of the uh, goodness.”

“Swallow. The. Eggs. Now.” Jamie commanded.

“I think that I’ll just let them, let them savor in…oh god they’re terrible,” Charlie confessed.

Charlie struggled for a few more moments before finally swallowing.

“Ye think that after fifteen years of being together, that ye’d remember that I can’t cook up to American ‘standards.’” Jamie reminded him, cold.

“I didn’t really think that through,” Charlie admitted. “Jenny—quick—call an

ambulance. I think I’m dying.”

Jenny giggled.

“Don’t be so sensitive,” Jamie told him, rolling her eyes.

“No, I’m dying for real. I…don’t…have…much…time…left!” Charlie began to cough very theatrically.

“And stop being so dramatic as well. And if ye are going to die, then die already.” Jamie ordered.

Charlie let out a loud gasp then went still.

Jamie rolled her eyes again, “Ye wouldn’t last a day on the streets.”

Charlie nodded, “Probably not. You have taste buds of steel.”

Jamie shook her head, “There’s no ‘probably’ about it. I used to eat cockroaches and would be grateful to have them! And ye can’t even stomach eggs.”

Jenny stuck her tongue out, “That’s gross.”

Charlie agreed, “That is nasty. And to be fair, I can’t stomach the eggs because you made them.”

“Didn’t you die?” Jamie demanded. She grabbed a cup and turned on the faucet in the sink.

Charlie paused then let out another loud gasp, “I live again!”

He stood up just to have water thrown in his face.

“I’m so sorry that I never learned how to cook properly,” Jamie apologized, sarcastically.

“It’s ok. You have other redeeming qualities,” Charlie declared, kissing Jamie’s cheek. “Just…don’t cook for me.”

Jamie smiled, “I think I can arrange that.”

“You’re not going to start kissing, are you?” Jenny questioned, repulsed.

“Ye said yeself that ye thought that we were romantic,” Jamie pointed out.

“Yes, but I don’t want to see it!” Jenny squeaked. “I don’t know what’s more nasty: mum eating cockroaches or you two kissing.”

Jamie and Charlie laughed.

“Is Jesus still coming over for dinner Friday?” Jamie investigated.

“Yes,” Charlie replied. “And he has something important to tell me.”

“Really,” Jamie asked, surprised.

Charlie shrugged, “Apparently.”

Jamie frowned, “Wonder what it is.”

“He said that it was a ‘last resort.’” Charlie quoted.

Jamie’s frown deepened.

“What are you guys talking about?” Jenny inquired.

“Grown up stuff,” Jamie responded.

“Boring stuff then,” Jenny simplified.

“Yes, ‘boring stuff,’” Charlie repeated.

Charlie started making himself a sandwich, “Do you remember Jesus, honey?”

“Isn’t he the one with the funny accent? Like mum?” Jenny clarified.

Jamie sniffed, “I do not have a ‘funny accent.’ And people can actually understand me when I talk.”

“Just barely,” Charlie corrected.

Jamie glared.

“Jesus and your mum don’t get along very well,” Charlie whispered loudly to Jenny.

Jenny winked and whispered loudly, “Ok.”

“I can still hear ye,” Jamie glowered.

“Why don’t you like him, mum?” Jenny queried, curious.

“He is very…traditional,” Jamie remarked.

Charlie took a bite out of his sandwich.

“Traditional?” Jenny repeated.

“He has a very specific attitude towards women,” Jamie elaborated.

Charlie glanced at his watch and sighed, “Gotta go back to the hospital.”

“I’ll see you there later,” Jamie foretold.

“Don’t even joke about that.” Charlie instructed.

“I don’t know…with all of the fights that I get into…” Jamie casually mentioned.

“As always Jenny, I leave you in charge of you mum. Make sure she doesn’t kill anyone and get arrested.” Charlie instructed.

Jenny saluted, “I’ll try my best. No promises, though.”

“For ye information, I was only caught twice by the fuzz. That’s a good record considering all of the laws that I had broken—upheld.” Jamie caught herself, remembering that Jenny was present.

Charlie winked and dashed out the door.

“Now Jenny, ready to go shopping?” Jamie interrogated.

“Shopping?” Jenny asked.

“Yes, back to school shopping!” Jamie explained.

Jenny frowned, “But da took the car.”

Jamie rolled her eyes, “Are ye lazy, are ye? We can walk to the store.”

Jenny stared at Jamie, incredulous, “It’s a hundred degrees outside!”

Jamie shrugged, “So? It’s only four blocks away. I think ye can handle a little sun.”

“I could die from heatstroke,” Jenny informed.

Jamie waved her hand, “Nonsense! I’ve traveled further distances in worse weather conditions.”

“Let me put on my shoes,” Jenny grumbled.

After a few minutes, Jenny and Jamie left the house and began strolling up the street. They were an odd sight. Jamie was definitely an eccentric woman. Like many other women of the time, Jamie didn’t possess a career occupation. However, unlike most women, she was loud spoken. She never bothered with makeup, fancy hairdos, or even stylish clothing. She considered such activities to be an enormous waste of time. She would just throw on clothing with little thought and let her hair fall free. Jamie hated being confined to the house and always preferred to be outside. She never waited for things to happen, she took action. It definitely wasn’t an ordinary sight for a gorgeous Scottish woman with wild red hair and mismatched clothing to be with her blonde teenage daughter and just walk up the sidewalk in outrageous weather.

“Mum,” Jenny said.

“Yes?” Jamie responded.

“Why do you hate fairy tales?” Jenny quizzed.

Jamie thought for a moment, “They’re not…real.”

“Of course it they’re not real,” Jenny affirmed.

Jamie snorted, “I know it isn’t real! I mean…ye just can’t depend on magic or princes to save ye in

tough situations.”

“It might be a little unrealistic…” Jenny confirmed.

“I hate the princesses.” Jamie confided.

“How can you hate the princesses? They’re beautiful and caring.” Jenny defended.

“They’re all the same character over and over again! They just have different names.” Jamie declared.

“What?” Jenny asked, confused. “How are they all the same character?”

“They all have the same…qualities. There’s nothing unique about them. Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Aurora are all ‘beautiful and caring.’ Not to mention, helpless. They rely on others to save them. It disgusts me.”

“I wouldn’t mind being swept off my feet by a prince or to be saved every now and again,” Jenny said. “I like how wonderful and magnificent magic can be. It allows us to access a power just out of our reach.”

The store came into view.

“Ye have to be able to take care of yeself when life gets hard.” Jamie contradicted.

“You can also rely on others,” Jenny stated.

“Can you?” Jamie argued.

Jenny furrowed her eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Let’s just hurry up and shop, eh?”

Jenny dropped the subject and they hurried into the store.


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133 Reviews


Points: 2296
Reviews: 133

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 6:14 am
PiesAreSquared wrote a review...



Hi to you, DragonRider! I am here to review!

This is an interesting chapter, to say the least, and I am a master of understatement!

Let's use the nitpick tool for awhile here shall we?

....He was a few years younger than Charlie, but remained single. Charlie and Jesus did share similar

qualities. They both had dark brown eyes, similar heights, and serious personalities....


There should be no paragraph here. This should be the same paragraph. Also, the logic does not flow. Why would someone younger be "but" single? I'm not sure whether you refer to the tendency of younger people to get together, but I'm sure there is a better way to write this. Here is an example: He was a few years younger than Charlie, and still was single.

...“Do you have a back-up plan?” Jesus interrogated...

Interrogated is a good word here, but I feel that "pressed" is more appropriate to the piece. Would you agree?

Other than that, and what dragonofpheonix has already pointed out, I think i may pack away my nitpicking tools.

Ok in terms of plot development. We have here a lot of conversational dialogue, but the plot is going nowhere far. I would consider this a supporting chapter, but it doesn't pack information the way supporting chapters do. Could you improve on that?


I love the accents you place in your characters. I think you do marvelously there!


Keep Writing!!!




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508 Reviews


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Sat Jan 04, 2014 2:59 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

"Charlie stopped mid step and turned...

This is the start of another character profile paragraph. Please spread out the character description a little more.

"Charlie and Jesus did share similar

qualities."

First formatting error of this chapter. You had problems with this last chapter, too. I'm not sure what's going on.

"Charlie raised an expectant eyebrow and replied, “Yes?”"

Although this verb is technically correct, the "replied", placed after so much description, had me scratching my head going "Wait, what's he replying to? Oh, right..."

"Charlie paused, “Yes.”"

That comma should be a period there. "Pause" isn't a dialogue verb.

"Jesus nodded. Room two came into view and they hurried inside.

“Rise and shine, lassie!” Jamie shouted while pushing aside the curtain..."

Okay, I could live with the non-existent transition of scenery with Charlie. This is a new chapter, and although no transition between chapters doesn't exactly flow well, it's tolerable. But there, a transition would be greatly appreciated. Even a simple "~~~" between lines or something would suffice.

"A moment later, a bucket of freezing water was dumped all over Jenny. She leapt out of bed, gasping and shivering at Jaime’s feet.

“Don’t make me hurt ye, lass. Now get up!” Jamie threatened then left."

Okay, Mama Jamie has serious mental issues. A bucket is definitely overkill. Maybe a cup of water, extreme but tolerable. But given Jamie's conversation back in chapter 1, I am now seriously concerned about Jenny. Her mom is legit insane. As if ice-cold water isn't bad enough, Jamie acts as if she couldn't have possibly hurt her child by dumping ice cold water on her. And "threatened"? I understand there are worse things than water, but "threatened"? Jamie crossed a line last chapter, and this chapter isn't redeeming her any. I'm ready to call CPS on this character, if not Arkham Asylum.

"Despite your young ages and

your differences and your hardships—sorry for that by the way—you two managed to stay strong together over the years."

Formatting error.
And my jaw legitimately dropped when I read that. "Sorry for that by the way"? Okay, so we have a psychoanalyst 14 year old. Jenny's describing her parents relationship pretty objectively, and then she dropped that bombshell. Now I'm just as concerned about Jenny as I am about Jamie. Maybe that water did something to her head. ;)

"He stood up just to have water thrown in his face."

Hmm...so Jamie solves almost every problem by throwing water at it. She's done this twice now. If you didn't have her dumping ice water all over Jenny, this might actually be comical.

"Jamie was definitely an eccentric woman."

Understatement.
And that paragraph is a lot of "tell." Read this for an explanation of "show" and "tell."
I feel like your story wants to break through, but it needs some tinkering to get there. I really hope you get it there!

Hope this helps!





We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway