z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Edge of the Petals - Chapter 1

by Pamplemousse


I slowly walked up to the front doors of a large brick building. I turned around just in time to see a flash of yellow coming towards me. Before I could get the chance to move, I found myself falling to the ground. Instead of feeling the pain of hitting the ground, I felt myself being lifed back up onto my feet. I turned around and saw a tall boy hovering over me.

"Uhm, hi," I mumbled, looking up at the boy. I went speechless when my eyes were looking into his. He had short brown hair and black-rimmed glasses. His face was kind and gentle, everything seeming to fit perfectly."Hey," he replied, shaking my hand. "That was quite a fall you just had. Are you okay?" he asked. I quickly nodded. "My name is K --," I said. He interrupted me, saying, "Kylie Samson, freshman." I stared at him with a look of awe. "H... How did you know?" I stuttered. He giggled softly. "You're my neighbor. Have been for the past five years," he said. "I'm Oliver. Junior and Student Council President," he continued. "Here, let me help you get to your first class," he smiled. I handed him my schedule, a smile plastered on my face. We sat down against the wall of the school, his knee touching mine. He looked at my schedule and automatically looked up at me. "AP Spanish?! As a freshman?!" I laughed, nodding. He continued, "Holy smart! We have first hour together, and you're a freshman!" I laughed and we stood up. He opened the door for me and murmured in a soft voice, "Ladies first." I smiled and walked into the school, Oliver following close behind.

"Let's go to your locker. I'll tell Ms. Kayburn that you had some difficulties with your stuff. That should give us a little bit to talk after we get your locker organized," he told me, his eyes calminjg me down, since I was still nervous, considering this was my first day of high school. I nodded willingly and we started towards my locker.

After a couple minutes of turns and a few hallways, we stopped in front of a row of lockers. "Here we are, Locker 263," he exclaimed, looking at my schedule again. "24, 43, 17," he mumbled under his breath, turning the lock on my locker back and forth. Once he opened it, I put my bag down and he handed me my schedule. I stuffed it in my pocket, opening my bag. "Hm, I have a system when it comes to organizing a locker. Want to see it?" he asked. "Sure," I replied, trying to hide my feelings. "He's being awfully nice," I whispered,a little louder than I had planned. He looked up at me with a shy smile. "I've known you for five years and this is the first time we've ever hung out. I have all the reason to be kind," he admitted.

Once he was done organizing my locker, he stood up and motioned me towards my locker. When I saw the inside of my locker, my eyes widened and I didn't know what to say. Right before my eyes was a system of pure genius. My noteooks were on the bottom of my locker, witih my folders on top of them. My binders were standing up side-by-side on top of those. My small supplies (pencils, pens, scissors, etc.) were on the shelf thing on the top part of my locker. Finally, my book bag was hanging up on a hook. "Holy..." I mumbled afer a few moments of silence. Oliver giggled and hugged me. I froze, not resisting the hug. He looked into my eyes, him and I almsot being the same height.Your hair is soft," he mumbled. "IT may seem odd, but I want to be a hairdresser when I grow up," he continued. I looked at him with a look of awe. "That's awesome," I admitted. "It explains why your hair always looks so nice," I continued. He bllushed, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger. "Thanks," he whispered, a small smirk on his face. He put the strand of hair behind my ear, kissing my forehead. I smiled at him and took my hair-tie out of my hair, letting my hair fall over my shoulders. Oliver smiled again, taking hold of my hand. "Cmon, let's go. I want to show you the library," he said. "Ooh, the library!" I eeped, a smile slowly creeping onto my face. We laughed together and started walking to the library.

After a few minutes of walking, we made it to the library. Oliver walked up to the door and opened it. "Ladies first," he laughed. I giggled and walked into the library, Oliver following close behind. When I looked up from the floor, what I saw basically made my jaw drop. "Welcome to Heaven," he told me, motioning towards the books. The amount of books in the library was greather than I had ever seen. "So many books..." I mumbled, staring at the books. "You should read The Fault in Our Stars," he told me, looking at my hair. "Okay, I'll check it out sometime," I replied, twirling my hair. When I looked up at him, I saw that he was staring at me. I blushed and looked at the floor.

It was official. Those next four years were going to be amazing. Absolutely amazing, because I think I had just found my soul-mate.


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Mon Dec 30, 2013 10:37 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here to review.

This is a really nice start! The characters, descriptions, flow are all solid. I don't have much to nitpick regarding the overall story, and most of the little typos have already been pointed out, so I'll just add a few little things.

"Uhm, hi," I mumbled


Should be spelled "um."

"That was quite a fall you just had. Are you okay?" he asked. I quickly nodded. "My name is K --," I said. He interrupted me, saying, "Kylie Samson, freshman." I stared at him with a look of awe. "H... How did you know?" I stuttered.


Make sure to put a paragraph break after one character's dialogue and before another's. If you don't, it confuses the reader as to who's talking (not to mention doesn't look that pretty).

Once he was done organizing my locker, he stood up and motioned me towards my locker. When I saw the inside of my locker,


WOW. You use the word "locker" three times here. O_O

Repetitiveness, while not a huge deal, does break up the flow of a piece and can be distracting. Not to worry; there's an easy fix. Just go back and take out some of those "locker"s, and you're good.

I had just found my soul-mate.


"Soulmate" is one word, no hyphen.

Okay! That's all the nitpicks I have. This is a really strong piece you have here. I have an idea where it may be going...

Does Kylie, by chance, fall in love with this guy and he turns out to be gay? I know this seems like I'm making a sweeping stereotypical judgement of him, but I'm not. It's just that most straight guys at my school aren't sweet enough to help me organize my locker, bold enough to kiss my forehead, or man enough to admit they want to be a hairdresser.

Feel free to scream at me if I'm totally off-base.

BUT, that is the impression I got. If that's not what you're going for and this is just some traditional girl-meets-boy story, I'd recommend you try to keep it interesting and fresh. It's easy to fall into a cliché that's been done a hundred times before when writing teen fiction, and I'd hate to see that happen to this story.

Anyway, just a piece of advice. Great work! You have a nice start so far. :)




Lateritic says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:27 am
birk wrote a review...



Hey Lateritic!

I'll start off with saying the title of your novel is great! It's what drew me to reading this first chapter.

However, your writing, grammar and storytelling needs work. The good news it that you're very young and you've already found your way to YWS, one of the greatest sources of improvement.

Before I go through more specific things I took notice of, I'll cover a few problems with the overlaying piece. Now, despite a great title, you included no synopsis of the story. I have no idea of the basic plot, and this first chapter is very grounded, so it's hard to figure where you are going with it.

Right now, all I know is that it's (presumably) a coming of age story, with a romance hook. The chapter itself is also very short, though if you do later adjustments, I'll have lots of stuff you can fill in with below.

An issue right now, is your main character. You've added some nice thoughts she had, which at least give her some depth. Yet, we have no idea of what she looks like, as there are no descriptions of her.

I'll write as I move along:

I slowly walked up to the front doors of a large brick building.

As an opener for a novel, or any kind of writing, this sentence is really boring. And try to avoid using "I" as a sentence opener too often.

I turned around just in time to see a flash of yellow coming towards me.

You never explained what this yellow flash was. Why was she even by that brick building in the first place?

edit
I felt myself being lifted back up onto my feet.


As we begin moving into your second paragraph, they muddle together into a giant wall of text! Try to space it out a bit more, it strains the readers eyes. Not too much of this though. Good.

We sat down against the wall of the school

Why sit down if he's bringing her to her first class?

edit
his eyes calming me down


Suggestion
"He's being awfully nice," I whispered to myself, maybe a little louder than I had planned.


"I've known you for five years and this is the first time we've ever hung out.

I'm beginning to doubt that she wouldn't know who he was, considering he was her neighbor for five years.

Right before my eyes was a system of pure genius.

Cute dialogue you have back and forth here, but I think you're overselling this 'system'.

edit
him and I almost being the same height.

You also mentioned a couple times earlier that he was taller than you. Small continuity error.

edit
"Your hair is soft,"

Forgot a quotation mark here.

"IT may seem odd,

A capital letter too much.

edit
He blushed


He put the strand of hair behind my ear, kissing my forehead.

Aside from not knowing the overall plot, this was a big problem for me. This guy seems creepy. Despite being neighbors for years, they never met, and now during their first encounter he is hugging and kissing her forehead.

I eeped

I looked this up and to my surprise, the dictonary confirms it. Nice word!

It was official. Those next four years were going to be amazing. Absolutely amazing, because I think I had just found my soul-mate.
Yeah, I keep returning to this. I just don't buy it. In such a short time span, she considers him her soul mate, and yet five years went by without anything happening.

Alright, that's the first chapter.
I know I went very thoroughly though it, but there is lots of stuff you can improve. Don't let this discourage you from writing though. As I said, you are very young and your writing is only going to improve. Especially after joining YWS. I know my writing improved vastly since then.

You write a lot for your age, and I'll be looking for your future works, cause it'll be interesting to see how you improve. Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff




Lateritic says...


Haha, I wrote this entire chapter at school the week before we started Christmas Vacation. When I was typing it up, I wasn't really paying attention to what I was typing. I was mainly looking at my notebooks, which explains a decent amount of the grammatical errors. Yeah, I sort of just threw in the last line without thinking. Now that I think about it, it just sounds weird. I'm probably going to change that. Thanks for the review!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:13 am
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Just typos and grammar first:

"being lifed back up" - lifted

"calminjg me down" - calming, but I guess you can see that okay I'll stop typing the corrections

"almsot"

Grammar and typos done. Now, um, I was wondering if maybe it was a bit sudden. Like, first of all, what exactly were the bright lights. I'd guess car but I don't quite know because you moved on. Also, things are kind of progressing pretty quickly. I could understand that if maybe Oliver had been admiring her from afar or something but maybe that's something you could make clear.

However, I loved the characters so much. Kylie is kind of graceful in the way she seems to let Oliver lead her which is hard to do. I love how Oliver wants to be a hairdresser and I think that could lead to some really interesting reasons as to why and could reveal a lot about him.

Basically, I'm excited for more and also excited to find out where the petals come in because you sounded like it was the pretty perfect title.

ps TFIOS feels gahhh.

DFTBA if that means something to you then more feels :)




Lateritic says...


DFTBA?



ExOmelas says...


You know the author of The Fault In Our Stars, John Green? Well, him and his brother have a six-year-old YouTube channel and they popularised the initialism DFTBA (Don't forget to be awesome) :-)



Lateritic says...


OH YEAH.



ExOmelas says...


So you knew about John's Youtube prescence?



Lateritic says...


Yes.



ExOmelas says...


Yay :)




The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust