z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

To Save The World Chapter 1

by Swiftfurthewarrior


The creatures were spread from horizon to horizon, nearly blotting out the dying light of day; the last remnants of their army to be obliterated.

Swords flashed, shields glimmered, and the thunder of a thousand feet and voices could be heard miles away. We were all going to our doom.

I shot upright, yanking my dagger from the table next to my bed.

No one was there. It had seemed so real. Maybe it was a vision, a foreshadowing of what was to come.

I rolled out of bed and tugged on my clothes; a red silk shirt with a hole for my left thumb, slim black pants, and brown leather boots.

For eight years I had lived alone, in solitary confinement. The only people that weren't afraid of me were the blacksmith and the miller boy. The color of my eyes and appearance of my tail and ears was the result of a rare disease, one that claimed many lives. People were still fearful that I would turn on them or that they would catch the disease.

But I had survived.

I snatched a bundle off the oak table and strolled over to the barn.

Flight was a magnificent horse; tan coat, dark brown mane, liquid green eyes. She was sturdy and strong, tall and proud.

I secured the bundle on her and hauled myself into the molded leather saddle.

A harsh caw filled the barn and a black shadow swooped down to perch on my shoulder. I stroked the crow's smooth feathers. "Not today, Talon." He cocked his head at me, cawed once more, and flew off into the rafters.

One light tap on her flank sent Flight into a canter, towards the far side of the village.

Before long, I could see smoke billowing up from a chimney and a harsh clanging filled the air.

I slid off my horse and untied the bundle from her back. "Clark!" The door creaked and a head appeared.

"Come in, come in!." Clark was a short, stocky man. His shoulders were broad and his jaw was square. Muscles rippled under his skin as he gestured inside.

A fitting appearance for a blacksmith, I thought.

The room was hot and humid. Several tools lay on he counter and a small forge was nestled in the corner. "Let's see what you've got." He planted his elbows on the counter and folded his soot smudged hands. I opened the bundle, and two swords, three daggers, and a pair of gauntlets clattered onto the counter.

He picked up a sword and examined it with appreciation. "Fifteen each."

"Twenty."

"Eighteen."

"Done."

He reached into a pouch and pulled out a small mound of gold coins and handed them to me. "You're going to get rich off of me."

I smirked. "Well you can have some back. Let's see your armor."

He sidled into the next room and came back with an armload of pieces which he set down. I picked up a set and scrutinized it's surface. It was made from stiff leather and studded with steel. There was a silver plate to cover the left shoulder, and the boots and gauntlets were lined with fur.

"I'll take it for thirty."

"Forty-five."

"Thirty."

Clark clucked his tongue. "You drive a hard bargain."

"That's why you still let me come here." I gave him the gold and departed for home.

What I did not know, was that this was the last time coming to the blacksmith.

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308 Reviews

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Sat Jan 04, 2014 2:27 am
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Flame here!

I didn't read your brainstorming, as I prefer to be surprised, so my review is based solely off this chapter.

Fantastic job! I have to admire your paragraph breaking. I've always felt alone in breaking this often, and you consoled me and amazed me ;). And your style...it definitely suits the theme: contractions to make things flow easier, a lack of speaker's tags, an underlying sense of repetition. Also love your negligence of the word "and" in lists; it makes the writing sound more casual, more natural.

And bolding your italicized words is interesting. It forces the reader to concentrate on their meaning. Unfortunately, it draws their attention away from the unbolded words. This is really a stylistic choice, though. Leave it if you like it, I suppose.

There were a few grammatical mistakes, mostly with semicolons. Semicolons' only purposes are to join two independent clauses (clauses that can otherwise function on their own, like "Sherlock's alive; I knew it!") or to separate items in lengthy lists. The semicolons I spotted can be replaced with colons, with the exception of the first, which should be replaced with a comma.

Now that that's taken care of, the beginning was slightly cliché. Nightmare, waking up, reflecting briefly on the nightmare, and moving on. That brief reflection of the nightmare, however, was too brief. If the narrator suspected that the nightmare was a glimpse of the future, then wouldn't they be more concerned? Why immediately shrug it off and forget about it? Where is the evidence that this was a glimpse of the future, anyway? In addition, the nightmare was too vague, and ended too abruptly, to spark much concern for the reader.

One more thing. "The color of my eyes and appearance of my tail and ears was the result of a rare disease, one that claimed many lives."

This sentence nagged at me a bit. Maybe as an alternative: "My [insert color of eyes] eyes, tail, and [insert adjective] ears were the result of a rare fatal disease."

To sum it up, this has a lot of potential. I can't wait to see where this is going, as well as the disease's impact on her life. Keep up the good work, and happy writing!




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38 Reviews

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Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:39 pm
cha3739 wrote a review...



Hi, Swiftfur :)

Good: You've got a great knack for description and you really give some insight into the world you've created here. I like that you've started out with a dream; that opens a whole world of possibilities for you story in the future and I'm curious to see how that ties in with the plotline.

Bad: You're kind of loose with your comma usage. They're everywhere and completely unnecessary in some places. You might want to go back and look over where you've got them to make sure you need them. Other than that there weren't any grammatical errors, so that's refreshing. The only other thing is that this chapter is incredibly abrupt and there's next to no action. Unless you're aiming for a book with a ton of little pieces-which may work for you-you might want to look into adding a bit more, maybe combining chapters one and two together just for some extra length.

Overall: I like what you've got so far and I'm curious to see what the whole premise of the story is, so I'll definitely be following along. Keep it up! :)






Thank you, I'll keep that in mind. However, I have no idea how to add onto the end.



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Thu Dec 26, 2013 12:10 am
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey!! Its Silver again!
This was much better than the last. Your piece is very well written. Your good grammar and spelling make it an easy read. Your conversations sound natural and flow well, and I especially liked the haggling between her and the black smith.

Some really small nitpicks:

the last remnants of their army to be obliterated.


This confused me, I just didn't get it. Maybe it's the context or maybe it's meant to be confusing because it's a dream.

Another thing is that I felt your chapter ended too abruptly. I felt that nothing had really happened and suddenly it was over. Maybe you could have included a bit more? Just to give it a more complete feeling.

Overall, I really liked this. It has a lot of potential. You have interesting characters and I found the disease idea really interesting aswell. Happy writing!!

Silverlock






The dream was meant to be confusing, as the next line says, she believes that it's either a vision of the future, which it is.
I do agree with adding to the chapter, though. I'll see to it immediately.



Silverlock says...


Coolies :)




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain