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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

The War of The North-Prologue

by JakAnthony


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Prologue

A soldier of the Berzan army stood at his watch post, utterly bored. It was his regiment’s job to guard the Berzanian border of the North Sea, a border that never had, and never would, be crossed from the other side. After all, how were goblins, golems, giants and the like going to cross twelve kilometres of ocean? But the captain was adamant that he do his job, and it was good pay for a non-skilled worker like him. So, despite his boredom, he manned his post. He had resorted to trying to catch a rare sight of a sea monster this far south in the waters, lazily knocking his telescope from side to side, when something else caught his eye.

No… it can’t be.” He grabbed the telescope and peered through it, aiming it at a canoe-like boat made of stretched, greenish grey skin, and bone that pierced through it at places.

But what really caught his eye were the passengers. One, a huge wolf-man creature, rowing the boat using powerful strokes of arms alone; the other, something of a man, a bear and a wolf, with horns protruding from it’s head, firing the boat through the water the same as his accomplice. They would not have been so terrifying, were it not for the speed at which the boat advanced on the shore.

No, no, no, no! A boat! There’s a boat in the ocean!” he cried, ringing the alarm bell. “Alert! Alert! The North is invading!!!”

***

Brother! I see shore! Shore! Haha! We’ve made it! We’ve made it out of the North!” Dastrik – the bear-man – said.

We’ve not made it until they let us in. And besides, for all we know, this place is worse than the north.” said Vielle, the wolf.

No, no, this place is far more tame than the North. You saw those pale, weak men arrive on our shores. They didn’t last a night. Well, this is their homeland, and we can become their kin, if we so choose. Speaking of which, we better change now. If we can see them, they might be able to see us.”

Vielle begrudgingly did as his brother commanded, and change into his pitiful, weak, human form. Although, there was absolutely nothing pitiful or weak about them from our perspective. Dastrik was the strongest man that any kingdom had ever laid eyes upon, supernaturally strong, even in his human form. Vielle had a muscular yet athletic build, the model sprinter, although he could out do any man across any distance, and was still stronger than most.

Those creatures could have been escaping from the monsters of this land. They might well have chosen to go to the North knowing full well what they were doing, because they knew that they had a chance of a better life.” said Vielle.

Vielle, were you there that day? Because I am starting to consider the possibility that I just imagined that you were. Perhaps you were too young to really notice, but did you not see the fear in their eyes? Did you not here them talking about turning back? They did not come to settle, only to explore the unknown. Foolish of them. And besides, we can hardly turn back now, this thing’s falling apart. Either we make it to shore, or we drown.”

An amplified voice sounded across the water, attacking their sensitive ear drums.

Gentlemen. Keep your heads above water for as long as you can. We are sending a boat to rescue you.”

***

I’m telling you, I saw monsters on that boat, you can’t let them in! It will be the death of us all!” The soldier protested to his Captain.

Nonsense! Kilbarin, what you saw was two men wearing animal hides, the same hides that they are wearing now. You say it every day, ‘How are Northern monsters going to cross that ocean.’! You need to get your wits about yourself, man, and quickly. I don’t want you insulting the first ever travellers to return from the North.” Captain Manwill assured his fellow soldier. “Now I have some very important calls to make, so don’t go spreading any uncertainties around the station whilst I’m gone. Lieutenant Miks! You are in control of the station until I return!”

Yes, Captain!” Lieutenant Miks shouted back across the corridor with a salute, before continuing down the corridor to prepare the station for the boat’s return. After all, these men were the first to ever make it back from the North.

When the preparations were made, the boat ported at the dock and out came a large group of soldiers, and two muscle-bound giants. The men stood, slack-jawed, gaing upon these odd-looking men. Despite his orders, Kilbarin had inevitably told everyone that would listen of his suspicions, and now the men who all laughed in his face were beginning to reconsider.

Miks! Where’s the Captain?!” Shouted Second Lieutenant Drossor.

He’s away making calls, I’m running the place until he gets back, what is it?!”

Drossor quickly walked over to Miks and whispered in his ear: “Can we talk about this in the other room?”

Miks told some soldiers to escort the guests to the Captain’s office before he and Drossor walked discreetly to the corridor.

What in the world is going on here, Drossor?”

It’s the… uhh… men. We tried interviewing them, you know, so we could find out who they were. But they couldn’t give us no names, at least no names I’ve ever heard before, and I’ve seen my share of Garemm and Robalask. And no kin name either, in fact they didn’t seem to know what a kin name was. And you’ve seen the way the look, the big one must be three hundred kilos at least. And how did they get so big, living in The North for all that time-”

What are you trying to say, Drossor?” Lieutenant Miks demanded.

I think Kilbarin might be speaking true. That those… creatures might not be entirely human. Maybe they were men, but something happened when they departed or they’re sons of a –”

Oh, for the love of The Great Wall. I never thought I’d see the day Mikael Drossor started buying into the pig's shit that comes out of Kilbarin’s mouth. You know he don’t know how to speak true, don’t you? Look, they’ve been sent to see the Captain, he will be given all the information and then he will decide what is to be done. Or more likely they’ll be sent to see the president.”

C’mon, you really don’t think there’s no chance that they’re some kind of cleverly disguised monster?”

Lieutenant Miks paused. “That’s for the Captain to decide, not us.”

***

The brothers were taken to the Captain office, where a 'Dust Man' - a magic hologram, if you will - of Berzanian President Collur stood before them. They were asked the same generic questions that they had been asked on the boat; what are your names, who are your family, when did you leave for The North etc. All of which they provided little or no answer to. It was then that the President finally spoke.

Forgive me, gentlemen, but I can’t seem to find any record of anyone called Viselle or Dastrik in this kingdom or any other, and certaintly no-one of your height. How long would you say that you were in the North for?”

About one hundred and fifty winters, I would say.” said Dastrik, believing it to be a perfectly acceptable answer.

The men stared at them, some with fear of their assumed immortality, others with pity on their assumed insanity.

He speaks true, we are not from here.-” Vielle said.

Quiet!” Dastrik cut him off.

They think our minds are gone, they’ll have us killed.”

And you think they’ll respond any better to the truth?”

And what might this truth be?” inquired Captain Manwill, discreetly feeling for his blade.

We were born and raised in The North-” Vielle began.

By explorers-” Dastrik cut him off again.

No, by non-human creatures. But I promise you all, we mean no harm to your lands. And we are strong warriors, we can fight battles for you; your lands will be the most feared and richest in the world. All we ask is refuge.”

Every man in the room feel silent. Captain Manwill, continued to clutch his blade unsure of what action to take. The other soldiers shook with fear. It was confirmed. They were not human. Of course they had seen other non-human races in their time, but none this fearsome. The silence went on for what felt like an eternity, until finally, the President spoke.

If what you say is true – and I have no reason to believe that it isn’t – then Berzan welcomes you with open arms. We are not currently involved in any wars, but I’m sure there is always work available for men like you. Captain, find them beds, and then stretch them as far as you can,” The soldiers forced a chuckle at the joke, still terrified of the man-mountains before them. The brothers didn’t get the joke. “And I shall met with you on the morrow. Until then, gentlemen, I bid you goodnight.”


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Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:32 pm
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smile wrote a review...



hey there jak ...

well , i usually don't review short stories or novels , why? i don't know either , maybe because i like reading lyrics more , anyway ..

this chapter of your novel was so beautiful , and so interesting .
i'll start with the beginning which is the only part i think it need something ...

A soldier of the Berzan army stood at his watch post, utterly bored. It was his regiment’s job to guard the Berzanian border of the North Sea, a border that never had, and never would, be crossed from the other side. After all, how were goblins, golems, giants and the like going to cross twelve kilometres of ocean? But the captain was adamant that he do his job, and it was good pay for a non-skilled worker like him. So, despite his boredom, he manned his post. He had resorted to trying to catch a rare sight of a sea monster this far south in the waters, lazily knocking his telescope from side to side, when something else caught his eye.

i think that you could present the scene in a better way to get the attention of the reader , by describing the place ,the soldier , and why he was bored , because if the reader didn't understand the beginning , he will not get the rest .

for the rest of the chapter i like it , i think there's nothing to add .

in general , your work was catchy , it has a message , and i think you're a skilful writer , with a vast , and rich imagination .


so keep up the good work .

smile :)




JakAnthony says...


Thanks for the review. I get what you mean, I wrote this late at night (I finished it at 12 on a school night), so a lot of it is missing something, but you really made it clear for me, so thanks. And as I said, If you want anything just ask.



smile says...


You are welcome :p



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Mon Dec 16, 2013 2:45 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Okay, I just read the opening paragraph, and I had a few concerns.

"A soldier of the Berzan army stood at his watch post, utterly bored."

Is there any way you could show his boredom, whether it be through body language or dialogue? As is, that's "tell" and not much fun to read.

"a border that never has, and never would, be crossed from the other side."

The "has" should be "had".
Warning: entering cliche territory. Things that "aren't supposed to happen" happen all the time in stories.

"But the captain was adamant that he do his job, and it was good pay for a non-skilled worker like him, and so, despite his boredom, he manned his post."

This sentence is too long. On first read-through, I thought this was talking about the captain, and that the captain was the one at the post. So I'd recommend breaking this up at the "and so" into two sentences.

"aiming it at a canoe-like boat made of stretched, green/grey skin,"

Get rid of the "green/grey" slash. You could easily say "greenish gray skin" without the slash, which just unnecessarily interrupts reading flow.

"One, a huge wolf-man creature, rowing the boat using powerful strokes of arms alone; the other, something of a man, a bear and a wolf, with horns protruding from it’s head, firing the boat through the water the same as his accomplice."

The length of this sentence makes it a little difficult to tell, without paying careful attention, that this is a fragment. There is no verb in this section, so it's a fragment. I would recommend breaking this into two sentences after adding verbs.

"There’s a boat in the ocean!” He cried, ringing the alarm bell."

Minor issue. The "He" should not be capitalized.

"Although, there was absolutely nothing pitiful or weak about them from our perspective."

The comma should be there (after "Although), and who is the "our" in this sentence? The humans being "invaded"? These sailors' brethren? Who?

"Dastrik was the strongest man that any kingdom had ever laid eyes upon, supernaturally strong, even in his human form."

Then why is he fleeing from the North? If he's so powerful, why is he on the run? The same holds true for Vielle. Be careful with your descriptions and how much power you allocate to each character.

"a chance of a better life.” Said Vielle.

Watch your word processor. It capitalized "Said" because you used a period instead of a comma.

"“Nonsense! Kilbarin, what you saw was two men..."

Warning: standard "the only guy who knows the truth is telling the truth but is ignored by his superiors" cliche. Any good captain would investigate why Kilbarin (who has insisted that the Northerners could not cross the ocean, as the captain has duly noted) has suddenly had such a dramatic change of heart, and would take note. He would then act accordingly. This avoids any plot contrivance.

"After all, these men were the first to ever make it back from the North."

Major "tell" sentence. Read this for an explanation of "show" and "tell."

Also, this sentence (or in that general area) brought to mind one little fact: if these men already know that Northerners are capable of shapeshifting into human form (especially since these Northerners are called monsters), wouldn't the soldiers take extra precaution? And I'm pretty sure the Northerners dress in a style completely different from the humans' lands. Good soldiers would still take precautions, even for returning explorers, against a potential threat of stowaways and enemies.

"...laughed in his face where beginning to reconsider."

Minor spelling error. "were" not "where."

"“Oh, well I’ll be..."

Note of concern: you have this rated as "E", yet include swearing (albeit this is the first and only example I found). I would recommend bumping up the rating to "E12" and add Language.

"...where a hologram of Berzanian President Collur..."

??? A hologram? What's a hologram doing here? All evidence up to this point pointed to a medieval styled fantasy world. And then there's a hologram?
Okay, if this world is sufficiently advanced enough to produce a hologram, it should be advanced enough for these humans to have technology capable of remotely exploring the North (i.e. spy satellites). And yet these humans are a) completely ignorant of Northern shapeshifting abilities, b) completely ignorant of the world around them (or at least it comes across that way). Basically these humans have been living in a bubble, yet with sufficient technological capabilities to explore from the comfort of their own homes.

Hope this helps!




JakAnthony says...


Thanks for the feedback. By the way, it was a magic hologram, but I can see that that really wasn't clear. Also, how do I change the age rating, and can I edit the story? I've been looking for ages and I still have no idea how to do it.





Ah, didn't think of that. It would make sense (and simply the addition of "magic" as an adjective clears a lot of that up. It makes it seem a bit trite, like a literary cop-out, but it's better than it just being a "normal" hologram. And it doesn't explain how the humans can have magic like that and yet still be ignorant, but that's tolerable at this point).
Anyway, I edited the rating for you but will send you a PM on how to do it on your own in the future.



JakAnthony says...


Thanks, but no need for the pm, I've figured it out on my own. Decided to bump it up to 16 , because there will be more real swear words, and not-too-subtle sex refrences in future chapters, so it probably makes more sense that way.
And the magic thing is explained in future chapters.



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Mon Dec 16, 2013 1:09 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hm... I like this. It's very unique.
Oh, and before I forget, welcome to YWS!
Now then, onto the business at hand!
I think some clean-up is due. It's not terrible, and I only found a handful of typos and incorrect comma usage, but they're not super obvious, so you'd have to read it aloud to find them.
Also, when Dastrik and Vielle are both talking, it's a little hard to distinguish which one it is, so please work on that in the future. But I really like how you changed the speech patterns for the humans compared to the beasts. Awesome!
Um... Parts of it seemed a little stiff, like the sentences didn't connect all that well, or maybe it was just that the dialogue was really long. I would try to insert transitions and some physical detail while people are talking just so that we have more action to connect with the words. With main characters, maybe add some habits that they have while talking? Or scenery?
Oh, and in general, a better sense of the surroundings would be nice. If you're having trouble inserting sensory details, then explain how it affects the actions and thoughts of the characters.
Well, that's about it. You have a good idea here, and I'd like to see you follow through with it. (As of late, there haven't been any completed stories, and there are so many good ideas out there!) You have a good vocabulary here that hasn't totally over-loaded, and I can tell there's already a history planned out.
Awesome job, and I'll be back!




JakAnthony says...


Thanks for the comments, I'm glad you liked it! Describing the surroundings is a huge weakness of mine and I'm trying to work on it. Can you clarify what you meant by 'changed the speech patterns for the humans compared to the beasts.'. Just because I have no idea what you mean by that, and it would be good to know what I'm doing well. Thanks.



Ventomology says...


Oh, well... Let's see, how do I explain this? So you know how old people talk a little differently than teenagers and twenty-somethings? They use different words, expressions, phrases, and slang than we do, and that's what you did with the humans and the beasts. That's really cool!



JakAnthony says...


oh, cheers.




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin