(Verse 1)
Become a magpie child,
Collecting what's left behind.
The mess this world is shedding
Is all you have to find.
(Pre-Chorus)
Fight for the world; it's all that you need,
Sew up their wounds and leave yours to bleed.
(Chorus)
Take all your reasons
And stow them away
At the back of the world for a desperate day.
You can dress up your wounds in glory and in pride
But inside
You're just dodging bullets.
(Verse 2)
Leave the fallen in your wake,
Drag yourself through the fire.
Break the wall of what you need
And trade the pain for desire.
(Pre-Chorus)
Fight for the world, it's all that you need,
If this war is a plant then you are the leaves.
(Chorus)
Take all your reasons
And stow them away
At the back of the world for a desperate day.
You can dress up your wounds in glory and in pride
But inside,
You're just dodging bullets.
(Bridge)
Because when you fall apart for good there'll be nothing I can do,
Except shift the dirt, take my hurt, and crawl six feet down to you.
(Chorus)
Take all your reasons
And stow them away,
At the back of the world for a desperate day.
You can dress up your wounds in glory and in pride
But inside
You're just dodging bullets.
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137,676 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hello~
This was really lovely.
I especially love the first verse; that's what drew me in. You have amazing images in the first verse as well as all throughout the poem. Your rhyming wasn't too forced sounding at all, especially because this is meant to be a song. You use great words that trigger very strong images and feelings. The words you use are very understandable but they are still used in a unique, beautiful way. I like the little story line here, and I like how you establish what kind of time period this is in by your first verse. (I imagined it was post-apocalyptic, although I suppose it could be after a huge crisis like 9/11 or World War II, but those events, when one was experiencing them, probably seemed like the world was ending, so same difference.)
I love how all the verbs in this are very active verbs. (ex. "take, stow, dodging, fall, shift, crawl, leave, drag, break, trade, sew, fight, become, find...") They're what really make your images shine.
There's just a few minor minor things I don't like. I'm not too thrilled with the "dodging bullets" part. I know it's your title, and the end to every chorus, but I guess I just don't understand it. I'm trying to take it as literally as I can the rest of the lyrics, but you say that you're dodging bullets on the INSIDE. I'm not quite sure how one dodges bullets from the inside.
The other part is "If this war is a plant then you are the leaves." I'm not sure why I don't like that. It might be because that analogy doesn't really make sense to me logically, and it might be because I usually don't associate war with something as peaceful and serene as a plant. Although that second part really isn't a problem. you're providing contrast between the war and a plant; you're adding a surprise, an unexpected flavor to this.
But really, your poem is quite beautiful and all the good descriptive adjectives, even with those little things. Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis
This was really good. A lot of people will agree that most songs can pass for a poem and this is diffidently one of them, but the fact that it is not a poem means that it can be structured slightly different. The reason I'm saying this is because if this was a poem the line 'You're just dodging bullets' would throw off the whole rhythm, but since this is a song that isn't necessarily true. This is because in a poem people would read it with rhyme and in a song people would sing it depending on the beat so that's good. I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors so there isn't much left for me to say except that I would enjoy listening to this in its completed form. Keep up the awesome work.
Oh just one question, what genre did you write this to be?