Young Writers Society

Hey Rishabh! I am ready to review the next thing.

Mm, I think I preferred the other one. Although I am understanding what you mean to say, the English language wasn't as good in this one, and it was slightly bothersome in reading it. I know the previous reviewers have commented on a lot of English corrections, but I am just going to alter the last paragraph because the first one is too big. So this is it in not spotless English but the best I can do:

Today, if we connect women’s past to their present then we will find that they have achieved a lot in a less time than men. Men have achieved a lot but it took them a very long time to establish themselves. So now, we can also prove that females are more efficient than males. In my opinion if we give women their basic rights, then our country will get its courage back to stand on both the legs. Currently, we want development in our country and we are constantly criticizing the government for bad governance. ‘Criticism’ is not a solution for the development. Development will surely come if we change our corrupt mindset. Therefore, from today onwards, if we take up an oath that we will change our mindset and we will give women their cardinal rights, then only development is possible in our country.

That's my version of it. Aside from the English, the format was also a bit off-putting. It was just two very large paragraphs! My suggestion is that you break it up a bit more. In to smaller sectors so it's easier to read.

Enough with format and language, let's talk about the content. I think you laid out your arguments exceedingly well, and I can tell this is another topic you feel very strongly about. To make some of your arguments even more valid so the reader won't doubt them is to have some quotes in there or statistics. So, let's say that women have improved faster than men have in their given time. This is just an example, but let's take the statistics from the Olympics, sprint 100m. In the 30 years women have participate they've narrowed down the record for the fastest time complete by 20 seconds, while men in 50 years have only narrowed it down by 5. Or something. That's just a made up example. But if you find more proof - and note that the key word is proof here - it makes the essay a lot more stronger on the foundation it is built upon. Especially if you add in quotes of how widows feel when they know they must be alone forever, etc.

I think this is a good beginning to an essay, but it can improve a lot as well. It just needs more foundation and a bit of language help. But from these two essays, you do manage to drive your meaning across and it leaves the reader with something to think and dwell upon later. Good job!

Deanie x

Hi there rishabh! Nite here to review for the apple dumpling gang this fine Review Day!

Now, overall, I have to ask you: How seriously do you want to be taken? You make some great points, but I think the use of profanity and casual language like "fab" would be off-putting if, say, you wanted to put this in the newspaper or write a politician or even turn it in for a school assignment. The first person also takes away from the formality of the essay. That may have been your intention, but if not, something to consider.

When a baby girl takes birth,

If we go in flashback, we will find that the status of women started decaying after 500 BC, when the Hinduism evolved.

Yes, in Hinduism, we developed false standards for the women and for men there were no preset standards.

Our ancestors did a huge gaffe by setting some societal laws for women,

The basic rights for women are not only to vote or to grab reservation quotas.

For example, Indian women are doing fab in sports.

Today if we connect women’s past to their present then we will find that they have achieved a lot in a very less time and men who are working independently from Stone Age, have achieved a lot but took a very long time to establish themselves.

‘Criticization’ is not a solution for the development.

Hey rishabh!! Silver here to review!!

Firstly I noticed that there was no clear introduction? Your beginning was good but it sort of morphed with the rest. There should always be a clear introduction and conclusion in an essay. you have the conclusion but I don't really see a distinct introduction. Secondly your essay is a little short. My advice is take three min points that you are trying to bring across and separate them into three paragraphs, argue them out and apply your Hinduism experience. I really like that you bring experiences from your culture and adds a genuine feel to it.

A couple of things I noticed:

"you will be thinking that why I excluded mother "
This would sound better if you had said: "you will be "wondering" why I excluded mother"

" mother of a girl always faces"
Would sound better if you add "the" before "mother"

"fucking society hates the girl"
One golden rule about essays that I have ALWAYS been taught is NEVER to swear in essays, it's just unprofessional especially if you're going to submit this to somewhere.

" both the legs"
Should be: " both their legs"

Apart from all that good points and love the Hinduism incorporation. with a bit of tweaking it'll be great!! Happy writing!!

Silverlock