Young Writers Society

Hey there, here's a review for you!

So, the first paragraph is quite nice. It makes the reader curious about what the speaker just saw and so pulls the reader into the story to continue reading. This was made effective by the ellipse at the end and the question at the beginning. I like that the sentence structure of the second one isn't perfect because it is a diary entry which is meant to be informal so don't worry about changing that. So well done for the first paragraph

In the second paragraph I don't think it's necessary to capitilise "doctors" and "physiatrists" unless you want them to be of importance within the piece. And, also in this paragraph, the sentence "They follow me through the mirrors like a experienced hunter tracking his deer..." needs an "an" instead of an "a".

There aren't any other specifics I have but I do feel that the piece as a whole is really effective in creating mystery and keeping the reader interested even though the speaker does not exactly say who "they" is/are. The reader doesn't fully understand which I think is useful in this genre as it forces the reader to read on. I also like the informal nature of the diary entry and how the speaker seems to confide in the diary. It's a good piece, overall.

9/10.

I have been searching for these kinds of horror stories and at last I found one. I liked everything from here an I am waiting for the next part. But I have expected more on this part. The part could have been longer. And who's diary is this? At the begging it looks like it is the girl's (or boy's) diary. But at the end it looks like it is the ghost's diary. But otherwise the story was fantastic. I wonder why the reviews of mine are not so long because I am a poor boy who needs points. So pleaaaassse donate me some points. It would be such an honor. Thanks. Oh and this is a very interesting concept. I like that she has another self that she sees and it is the evil self. I also like that you've made this a journal entery, but I think that you should just make it just one day not every few minutes, it makes it slightly confusing and slightly annoying.

I can't find any grammatical errors, but then again I'm not good at finding those beyond choppiness and spelling errors. I would like to read more of this. Keep on writing and I'll be reading.

I have been searching for these kinds of horror stories and at last I found one. I liked everything from here an I am waiting for the next part. But I have expected more on this part. The part could have been longer. And who's diary is this? At the begging it looks like it is the girl's (or boy's) diary. But at the end it looks like it is the ghost's diary. But otherwise the story was fantastic. I wonder why the reviews of mine are not so long because I am a poor boy who needs points. So pleaaaassse donate me some points. It would be such an honor. Thanks. :d

Hi, AlexSushiDog! FireFox here to review for the Apple Dumpling Gang! (Yes, that is our name!)

Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar/spelling. This is pretty much a given with any piece of writing and not so much to be worried about until you are absolutely finished and on the final draft of the piece. That is when you should assure that your grammar and spelling are up to par. I won't nitpick on the grammar and spelling because I know that there are others who will.

2. This was rather short to be a chapter, or even a prologue. It would help if we (the readers) knew what we were reading. Please enlighten us! In fact, this seems to be more of a synopsis of what is to come than a chapter. This is an interesting hook, but now we want to know more!

3. It is typically rule of thumb to introduce the MC to your readers off the bat (at least within the first few pages of a book). It helps readers connect to your story better and makes us feel as if we know who this person is that you are talking about. Granted, you give us her name (I think) at the end of this piece, but what about a description of what she looks like? What about her age? These helps us (the readers) connect to your MC as well.

Over all, this is a very well structured piece. I like the structure of it and how you break it up into time frames. I also enjoy the "Dear Diary" format. It is different and I can see a girl really writing those things to her diary. I am liking this piece so far, but please elaborate and continue this piece!

-FireFox

This is a very interesting concept. I like that she has another self that she sees and it is the evil self. I also like that you've made this a journal entery, but I think that you should just make it just one day not every few minutes, it makes it slightly confusing and slightly annoying.

I can't find any grammatical errors, but then again I'm not good at finding those beyond choppiness and spelling errors. I would like to read more of this. Keep on writing and I'll be reading.