THEE
I stare down at my bow, made from the Warrior Star, moulded especially for me
by an Ekolian Warrior, protector of the Mystics Pure of Soul. Women and girls
in our village are forbidden to use or carry a weapon, that’s why I stand here
now, hundreds of eyes on me, unfairly judging me for saving the village,
thinking me a murderer for what happened to my sister.
I look back up, unblinkingly staring out at the villagers, people who had raised and loved
me as their own. A young girl catches my eye, she is crying, folded up in her
mother's skirts. My mother. My sister. My incomplete family. I meet my mother's
brown eyes with my own and she quickly averts them, though not before I see the
shame and betrayal in the eyes that resemble my sister's and my own so much
that it pains me to look away, the anguish of my sister's disappearance still
raw in my heart. I fight back the tears and the hard lump in my throat, and
turn on my heels, storming into the forest before my cold demeanour cracks.
‘Surely they know that I did what I did to protect them? No one did anything to help
me protect the village. No one helped me stop my sister from being kidnapped,
no one even saw her being taken from the barn. I did what I could to protect everyone,
even though it meant breaking the rules.’
The bow and quiver full of everlasting arrows had just appeared
in my hands with the instructions on how to use them engraved in my mind, as
well as the skill of accuracy that never fails. Why can't they see that I never
would have defied the rules if there wasn't any danger to my family?
‘They all think I'm crazy because I said that it just appeared.’
"Do you hear my call Desdemona? I
will find my sister! And put an end to your pathetic life, you witch!! Just you
wait," I didn't have to speak loudly though I chose to, to rid myself of
the hopelessness of my life, storing my anger for when the time was right.
The wind, a slave to the powerful witch, would carry my cry to her ears, and if she
wanted, would carry her demands over long distances so it would seem as if she
was standing right next to you.
A cackle worthy of the evil witch
rustles the canopy of leaves above my head and disturbs nearby nesting Robins,
my sister's screams ringing in my ears, refusing me the quiet refuge of my own
mind: "THEE!!" I whip my head around, my brown hair falling in soft
thick waves over my shoulder, my bangs in a dire need of a trim, framing my
vision.
"Pen! Where are you?!"
Silence. "Desdemona!"
PEN
I crouch down low on a thick branch (not worried about losing my balance),
surrounded by the thick, green leaves that the witch had made grow for the
ceremony, and stare down at Desdemona sitting in front of a dark green fire,
warming her hands, waiting for my sister to return. A young girl, older though
than the one taken from me, stumbles into the clearing, wearing nothing but
rags that faintly resemble the clothes that once were the nicest in the
village.
"Pen," I whisper her name, not believing that after 2 years,
I had finally been able to track them down. Pen shivers and walks up to the pot
hanging over the fire, stirring whatever was boiling in it. The smell of
porridge hits my nose and my mouth starts to water and I stare longingly at it.
‘Food’.
I hadn't eaten in days, even then I had only been able to scrounge up some berries,
the cold chasing off what animals there were and the snow covering what plantation
there was left.
"Now, mortal, go fetch the cleansing equipment and bathe yourself, change
into something more ceremonial. We can't have you looking like that for the
sacrifice. I need everything to run smoothly for the Blood Moon ceremony, I've
waited centuries for the blood moon and the right sacrifice, waited longer than
I care to mention to get my powers restored to their full potential, and when
that happens, nothing will stop me." She cackles to herself and I cringe
at the grating sound.
My plan was to kill the witch before she made the blood sacrifice,
in her moment of vulnerability before she became a force to be reckoned with.
My patience pays off, because fifty minutes later, Desdemona stands over my
sister, a large scalpel in her hand, chanting a spell in a language unknown to
me.
Now was my chance, I swing off my perch, landing silently in the soft snow and
swiftly move towards the witch. My mind becomes foggy but I manage to make out
the words "Paralysis Temporarium" before a black, oil- like substance
invades my mind, cloaking my movements in slime, until I was weighed down by
dark magic. I watch in horror as Desdemona turns towards me and gives me a
smile that would have made Lucifer himself cringe.
"You honestly think, that after waiting centuries to restore my power, I wouldn't think to
place spells around the site to keep pathetic fools such as yourself out? You think
me that daft?" Recognition passes through her black eyes and she grins a
wicked smile. "Come to watch your sister's demise, hey?"
Desdemona turns back to my sister and slowly raises her scalpel until it was above her
head, tip facing Pen's heart. I fight the magic and through sheer luck, break
free and charge towards her, my arrow nocked and bow facing its foe. Everything
moves in slow motion, as though the witch had cast another spell on time. I
release the arrow and as it sails towards Desdemona's heart, the witch brings
her scalpel down, a victory smile plastered on her face. I will the poisoned
arrow to reach its target quicker, but just before my arrow finds its mark, the
scalpel pierces Pen's heart. I scream out in agony, the tears cascading down my
face and drop to the snow covered ground next to my beloved twin, not taking
any notice of the black smoke shrouding the demonic witch, consuming her body until nothing was left but a pile of ashes that twisted together, forming a curved dagger that pulsed red.
This is piece seems pretty interesting and I like it especially how there's lots of mysteries and questions that we, the readers still have that help attract our attention and keep us reading.
On a side note the grammar just needs a little bit of adjustment and then you'll be set to go. I look forward to your future pieces
Ben
Hi there! I'm Frosting. I liked this piece, and it has good potential.
Now for the business part.
You jump around quite a bit during past and presence. The past tense is much easier for me, but you can do either, and while I don't really care if you switch, we have quite a lot of nit-picks in this website.
You never gave me a backstory on these characters. How did her sister get kidnapped? What's the Warrior Star? Why does she have a bow? These are just some of things that I wanted to see more of.
You made a few, not many, but a few grammatical mistakes. You used a LOT of commas, which we all do, and I'm doing right now, but some people HATE when you do that, (again, nit-picks.)
There was a lot more that could of happened using the same space, and I don't think you had to put spaces in the middle of your sentences. (Now, that may your choice, and I'm not telling you not to, but, again, nitpicks.)
Specifications
Moulded would not be my first word choice for a bow. I would of used 'crafted', but that's just me. Sometimes basics is better. What is an Elokian Warrior? Are THEY Pure of Soul, or is that the Mystic that they guard?
Thanks for writing this piece, I enjoyed it, and I hope to see more of it in YWS.
Toodles,
Frosting!
Howdy I’m Rubric. I enjoyed the basic framing of this piece and it has most of the skeleton required for a good tale, but I felt that the excecution was a bit haphazard at points.
The begin with GENERAL CONCERNS:
Tense. You jump around a lot (often multiple times in a sentence) between past and present tense. I’d honestly advise the past tense because it’s easier to handle and comes naturally to most writers.
Character development: I didn’t gather that the main character was female on my first read-through, and yet it’s kind of central to the plot. There’s a lot of room to flesh out characters and their motivations more clearly. Almost everyone seems to be a prop for Thee’s conflict with Desdemona, and even the witch’s motivations are rather cartoonish.
Grammar. You see to overuse commas. It’s something I’m guilty of too, but it means you often miss out important joining words that clarify how different phrases relate to one another. It also means you get run on sentences and have phrases in the wrong order for ensuring good communication.
There’s a lot to be said for beginning in the middle of things (in medias res) but in this instance it leaves some aspects of the narrative out that should really be unpacked. In fantasy it’s important to maintain the suspension of disbelief, and that’s really hard when things that are fantastical are acknowledged as being difficult to believe, but are only narrated second hand. This is something that differentiates fantasy from classical Homeric epics, where a great deal of the material is narrated second hand.
Turning to SPECIFICS:
“moulded ” is an odd word to describe the making of a bow; most of which are wooden or a mix of wood, bone and animal hide. You mention the Warrior Star, but as it’s a proper noun we don’t really know what that is.
“Ekolian Warrior, protector of the Mystics Pure of Soul”
The Ekolian warrior is Pure of Soul, or the Mystics are? This is one of those unclear relational phrases.
“unblinkingly staring “
reads better as “staring unblinkingly” but “staring” gets the point across.
“I meet my mother's brown eyes with my own and she quickly averts them ”
“them” is hanging, and could refer to the mother’s eyes or Thees.
“The bow and quiver full of everlasting arrows had just appeared
in my hands with the instructions on how to use them engraved in my mind , as
well as the skill of accuracy that never fails.”
honestly this feels a bit cheap. Yes fantasy heroes often receive magical gifts (it’s a bit cliché really) but this is entirely too convenient and feels like a cop-out for proper backstory given that it’s related in passing rather than actually a narrated event.
“my bangs in a dire need of a trim ”
This is an odd thing to dwell on in that moment.
“(not worried about losing my balance) ”
I get that this is intended to convey physical confidence, but it feels wasted. This kind of thing can be shown. I often find that what I put in brackets in creative writing is something that I can’t find a proper place for and I think that’s why you’ve done so here.
“‘Food’. ”
This is one of several times in the story that you jump between different kinds of narration and it’s not clear how or why. Is this meant to be an internal thought? You’ve portrayed many thoughts indirectly in the narrative so far, why switch here? It’s a little confusing (as was “PEN”.)
“I need everything to run smoothly for the Blood Moon ceremony ”
This is really for your main character’s benefit and doesn’t sound like the kind of thing Desdemona would relate in that moment. She’s had months to prepare the sacrifice and probably wouldn’t be using the full title of it (let alone talking to the sister as if she’d never heard of it or what it would do).
“get my powers restored to their full potential ”
I swear this is the motivation of 95% of fantasy villains. It makes them a cardboard cut-out motivated by greed alone. Flesh out this character. What does she plan to use the power for?
“nothing will stop me ”
I’ve yet to be impressed by a villain who has uttered this line, and there have been hundreds.
“I manage to make out the words "Paralysis Temporarium "
It’s way too convenient that the two words made out basically tell us the nature of the spell.
“before a black, oil- like substance invades my mind , cloaking my movements in slime ”
This is a very confusing description. An attack on the mind that is an oil like substance? Or is that a description of how that makes the mind feel? I feel like there are two separate descriptions here that need to be separated. 1) What it looks like, and 2) how it impacts the cognitive processes.
“I wouldn't think to place spells around the site to keep pathetic fools such as yourself out ? You think me that daft ?"”
The problem with this is that the answer is clearly “no” and yet given how much power this witch clearly has (controlling the winds etc) she actually does a really lousy job of protecting herself. It's honestly surprising she's lived so long when heroes receive the kind of gifts that Thee has.
“I fight the magic and through sheer luck, break free”
This is the all-important turning point in the story and you don’t actually describe what happens, merely that freedom is attained through “sheer luck”. You put a lot of emphasis on what happens afterwards (the deaths of the sacrifice and Desdemona), but this is what actually causes that to happen and is the moment when the balance of power in the situation shifts profoundly.
“bow facing its foe ”
This is clunky and could probably be implied from the previous phrase. It also seems to imply that the bow is capable of having an enemy, whereas up until this point it’s been described as a tool. A useful, magical tool, but a tool nonetheless.
“as though the witch had cast another spell on time ”
As I recall the previous spell was descriped as a paralytic, not a time-related spell.
Hopefully that wasn't too sharp. If you've got any questions, comments or complaints, feel free to message me on my wall, my Will Review For Food thread, or PM me.
Cheers
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